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Etiquette

Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

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Re: Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    DaphneM7 said:
    Maggi708 said:
    Their marriage occurred in January their wedding occurred in May. Simple enough. She deserved a PPD.
    Their wedding occured in January, on the same day of their marriage.  You can't have a wedding unless ppl are getting married.  Your daughter had a fake wedding redo in May, and she didn't deserve it.  No one is entitled to be married, and no one is entitled to have a redo wedding day because they chose a JOP ceremony earlier in order to stay with their hubby.
    I disagree that no one is entitled to get married - everyone is, imo.  People are not, however, entitled to their dream wedding.

    Yes, everyone is entitled to get married, and no not everyone is entitled to their dream wedding. IF they can afford a PPD and they aren't leing or fishing for extra gifts,  they are not hurting or offending people by creating their dream day, though.  YOu can think they are stupid or AWish, that is an opinion. You are entitled to that opinion.  Someone having a PPD is not rude to you, if you don't like them you don't go, its really simple. Getting and invitation, does not mean you are obligated to go.   People who do like them, or don't sit around "side eyeing" or simply being judgemental can attend and everyone enjoys themselves and no one is harmed. 

     

     

     


     

    Sorry, but etiquette is not "opinions."  You are entitled to your opinion, but you're not entitled to carry it out with impunity.  That means in terms of PPDs, you can have all the PPDs you want, but there is no exception that declares it "not rude."  You are being rude whenever you break etiquette, period.  It is not an "opinion."  If you're going to dismiss this as "that's just you're opinion" when posting on an etiquette board just because you don't like the rule, then you don't belong here, because this IS an etiquette board.
    aurorajanettePrettyGirlLost
  • A PPD is automatically a gift grab, since it's a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married and people tend to give gifts at weddings.  So yeah, it's rude, whether you think so or not.
    How is it anymore gift grabby than a reception thrown later?  Which is a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married.  Most people who are invited to the reception that happens later would bring gifts as well.  So, wouldn't that be rude as well? 
    AroundTheBlockSällskapdjur
  • DaphneM7 said:
    A PPD is automatically a gift grab, since it's a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married and people tend to give gifts at weddings.  So yeah, it's rude, whether you think so or not.
    How is it anymore gift grabby than a reception thrown later?  Which is a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married.  Most people who are invited to the reception that happens later would bring gifts as well.  So, wouldn't that be rude as well? 
    Oh please, saying "Hey we want to see you and celebrate our marriage with you, so come join us for drinks and dinner!" is not REMOTELY the same as saying, "We are already married, but we just couldn't wait for guests to show up, so now come watch us re-enact a wedding ceremony! Just pretend it's a wedding, ok?"
    image
    aurorajanettePrettyGirlLostLiatris2010
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    DaphneM7 said:
    Maggi708 said:
    Their marriage occurred in January their wedding occurred in May. Simple enough. She deserved a PPD.
    Their wedding occured in January, on the same day of their marriage.  You can't have a wedding unless ppl are getting married.  Your daughter had a fake wedding redo in May, and she didn't deserve it.  No one is entitled to be married, and no one is entitled to have a redo wedding day because they chose a JOP ceremony earlier in order to stay with their hubby.
    I disagree that no one is entitled to get married - everyone is, imo.  People are not, however, entitled to their dream wedding.

    Yes, everyone is entitled to get married, and no not everyone is entitled to their dream wedding. IF they can afford a PPD and they aren't leing or fishing for extra gifts,  they are not hurting or offending people by creating their dream day, though.  YOu can think they are stupid or AWish, that is an opinion. You are entitled to that opinion.  Someone having a PPD is not rude to you, if you don't like them you don't go, its really simple. Getting and invitation, does not mean you are obligated to go.   People who do like them, or don't sit around "side eyeing" or simply being judgemental can attend and everyone enjoys themselves and no one is harmed. 

     

     

     


     


    It is not a matter of affordability.  It is a matter of taste.  It is in poor taste to recreate an event.  Unless EVERY single guest being invited is FULLY aware that the couple is already married, then lying is involved.  And if every single guest is aware that the couple has already married, then the PPD becomes a farce.  If they want to have some after party/at home reception to celebrate their marriage, that's one thing.  But there is no logic or reason to have a PPD.
    PrettyGirlLostLiatris2010
  • DaphneM7DaphneM7 member
    25 Love Its First Comment
    edited October 2013
    Jen4948 said:


    DaphneM7 said:



    A PPD is automatically a gift grab, since it's a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married and people tend to give gifts at weddings.  So yeah, it's rude, whether you think so or not.
    How is it anymore gift grabby than a reception thrown later?  Which is a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married.  Most people who are invited to the reception that happens later would bring gifts as well.  So, wouldn't that be rude as well? 

    Because the reception is a thank-you to guests who actually attended the wedding.  A PPD is not a wedding, so it is thrown to stroke the couple's egos-not to establish them as a married couple.  That's what the original ceremony did, even if it was not the "wedding of their dreams," not religious, loved ones weren't there, or whatever.




    This is in reference to those who have a small, or quick wedding and instead of a ppd are told to have just a reception. So the reception would not be a thank you for those who attended the wedding, because they weren't invited to the wedding. Thats usually why someone wants the ppd to begin with, to invite those who couldn't or didn't corn originally go what ever reason. That's not anymore gift grabby or any less of a wedding party than a ppd?

    AroundTheBlock
  • DaphneM7 said:
    DaphneM7 said:
    A PPD is automatically a gift grab, since it's a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married and people tend to give gifts at weddings.  So yeah, it's rude, whether you think so or not.
    How is it anymore gift grabby than a reception thrown later?  Which is a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married.  Most people who are invited to the reception that happens later would bring gifts as well.  So, wouldn't that be rude as well? 
    Because the reception is a thank-you to guests who actually attended the wedding.  A PPD is not a wedding, so it is thrown to stroke the couple's egos-not to establish them as a married couple.  That's what the original ceremony did, even if it was not the "wedding of their dreams," not religious, loved ones weren't there, or whatever.
    This is in reference to those who have a small, or quick wedding and instead of a ppd are told to have just a reception. That's not anymore gift grabby or any less of a wedding party than a ppd?
    Parties in general can be hosted for any number of reasons and are not inherently gift grabby. A party hosted at a later date can be tastefully done as a celebration of the marriage, but should not be made to mimic or recreate a wedding reception.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    arrippaPrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]Liatris2010
  • arrippaarrippa Sam Adams Craft Commonwealth member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    DaphneM7 said:
    DaphneM7 said:
    A PPD is automatically a gift grab, since it's a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married and people tend to give gifts at weddings.  So yeah, it's rude, whether you think so or not.
    How is it anymore gift grabby than a reception thrown later?  Which is a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married.  Most people who are invited to the reception that happens later would bring gifts as well.  So, wouldn't that be rude as well? 
    Because the reception is a thank-you to guests who actually attended the wedding.  A PPD is not a wedding, so it is thrown to stroke the couple's egos-not to establish them as a married couple.  That's what the original ceremony did, even if it was not the "wedding of their dreams," not religious, loved ones weren't there, or whatever.
    This is in reference to those who have a small, or quick wedding and instead of a ppd are told to have just a reception. That's not anymore gift grabby or any less of a wedding party than a ppd?
    Parties in general can be hosted for any number of reasons and are not inherently gift grabby. A party hosted at a later date can be tastefully done as a celebration of the marriage, but should not be made to mimic or recreate a wedding reception.

    I agree- parties are not generally a gift giving situation. Also, a delayed reception is not lying to your guests, causing hurt feelings and just wasting everyone's time and money (PPD does all of these things). 

    This is a hot topic because I get offended when people think their JOP wasn't a real wedding. It was a real wedding to my mom and dad. Just because they didn't have a PPD, does that mean they haven't been truly married? Of course not. They are married. Just like everyone else who gets married at the JOP. It actually blows my mind that they don't consider the ceremony where they say their vows to be their wedding.


    PrettyGirlLostLiatris2010
  • DaphneM7 said:
    DaphneM7 said:
    A PPD is automatically a gift grab, since it's a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married and people tend to give gifts at weddings.  So yeah, it's rude, whether you think so or not.
    How is it anymore gift grabby than a reception thrown later?  Which is a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married.  Most people who are invited to the reception that happens later would bring gifts as well.  So, wouldn't that be rude as well? 
    Because the reception is a thank-you to guests who actually attended the wedding.  A PPD is not a wedding, so it is thrown to stroke the couple's egos-not to establish them as a married couple.  That's what the original ceremony did, even if it was not the "wedding of their dreams," not religious, loved ones weren't there, or whatever.
    This is in reference to those who have a small, or quick wedding and instead of a ppd are told to have just a reception. So the reception would not be a thank you for those who attended the wedding, because they weren't invited to the wedding. Thats usually why someone wants the ppd to begin with, to invite those who couldn't or didn't corn originally go what ever reason. That's not anymore gift grabby or any less of a wedding party than a ppd?

    An at home reception or later reception shouldn't have the trappings a traditional wedding reception would. It should just be a great party, maybe a spotlight dance, a cake, and some awesome music. No wedding party, no "wedding" cake, bouquet tosses, garter stuff, etc. A party to celebrate a recent marriage is not the same as a PPD. Especially because they don't have a fake ceremony. That's the main issue with PPD, trying to recreate a sacred moment. You're man and wife, you can't be a bride and groom again.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

    PrettyGirlLost
  • meeglins said:
    I feel incredibly bad that everyone on here has such judgmental friends and families with such narrow world views. For everyone to be so concerned with lying and deception and assumed gift grabbing when all you're trying to do is celebrate your love; it's troubling really. All the focus on the technicalities and the specifics seems to be at odds with the bigger picture but different strokes I suppose. 
     


    If you've already been married legally and you want to have a mock wedding maybe you should hold up a sign like the ring girls in MMA or include a card in the invitation that says "These events you are about to see are based on a true story" or "Please join us for a full re-cap of such and such date" and then donate all gifts to charity, register for charities or insist on nothing since it's not about the gifts for you. Don't forget-NO cash bar! As long as everyone knows you're already married and you want to show off some great acting skills with a great party you just go right ahead and celebrate your love!!!
    NYCMercedes
  • meeglins said:
    I feel incredibly bad that everyone on here has such judgmental friends and families with such narrow world views. For everyone to be so concerned with lying and deception and assumed gift grabbing when all you're trying to do is celebrate your love; it's troubling really. All the focus on the technicalities and the specifics seems to be at odds with the bigger picture but different strokes I suppose. 
    If you've already been married legally and you want to have a mock wedding maybe you should hold up a sign like the ring girls in MMA or include a card in the invitation that says "These events you are about to see are based on a true story" or "Please join us for a full re-cap of such and such date" and then donate all gifts to charity, register for charities or insist on nothing since it's not about the gifts for you. Don't forget-NO cash bar! As long as everyone knows you're already married and you want to show off some great acting skills with a great party you just go right ahead and celebrate your love!!!
    The only good advice in this post is "no cash bar". 

    1) Even if you tell your guests it's a PPD, it doesn't make the ceremony any more real or any less offensive. You're just not lying about it.
    2) Asking people to donate to charity as a gift is not good etiquette. People feel strongly about charities and one that you support may not be the same one that others want to support. If you want to donate to charity, by all means, write a check. But don't ask your guests to do it for you.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    PrettyGirlLostaurorajanettemcgarci2
  • meeglins said:
    I feel incredibly bad that everyone on here has such judgmental friends and families with such narrow world views. For everyone to be so concerned with lying and deception and assumed gift grabbing when all you're trying to do is celebrate your love; it's troubling really. All the focus on the technicalities and the specifics seems to be at odds with the bigger picture but different strokes I suppose. 
    If you've already been married legally and you want to have a mock wedding maybe you should hold up a sign like the ring girls in MMA or include a card in the invitation that says "These events you are about to see are based on a true story" or "Please join us for a full re-cap of such and such date" and then donate all gifts to charity, register for charities or insist on nothing since it's not about the gifts for you. Don't forget-NO cash bar! As long as everyone knows you're already married and you want to show off some great acting skills with a great party you just go right ahead and celebrate your love!!!
    The only good advice in this post is "no cash bar". 

    1) Even if you tell your guests it's a PPD, it doesn't make the ceremony any more real or any less offensive. You're just not lying about it.
    2) Asking people to donate to charity as a gift is not good etiquette. People feel strongly about charities and one that you support may not be the same one that others want to support. If you want to donate to charity, by all means, write a check. But don't ask your guests to do it for you.

    I agree that this would be terrible advice, but I read it as sarcasm. For the love of all things, I hope I am right!
    NYCMercedesmimiphinKeptInStitchesjennybean1121
  • I also read jennybean's post as sarcasm.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    jennybean1121
  • Updates were made to the OP with some MM links for anyone who doesn't want to have to dig for them!

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  • PDKH said:
    DaphneM7 said:
    A PPD is automatically a gift grab, since it's a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married and people tend to give gifts at weddings.  So yeah, it's rude, whether you think so or not.
    How is it anymore gift grabby than a reception thrown later?  Which is a "wedding" party in honor of two people who are already married.  Most people who are invited to the reception that happens later would bring gifts as well.  So, wouldn't that be rude as well? 
    Oh please, saying "Hey we want to see you and celebrate our marriage with you, so come join us for drinks and dinner!" is not REMOTELY the same as saying, "We are already married, but we just couldn't wait for guests to show up, so now come watch us re-enact a wedding ceremony! Just pretend it's a wedding, ok?"
    A good friend of mine is doing the former, which I understand - they are having a tiny ceremony (<10 people) on the Monday, then a big party and dinner on the Saturday (she'll wear her dress and there will be toasts, but no re-enacting).  Not my bag, but not a true PPD, so I shall go and celebrate happily.  

    A friend of a friend had the most hideous PPD - only the BM and MOH knew they were married, so they effectively lied to their parents and a Catholic priest.  The epitome of not cool for me.  Why do people get their panties in such a bunch about the peripherals?  

    D'autre part, one of my friends had a tiny, intimate, beautiful civil ceremony with a glass of wine and a slice of cake in the pub afterwards and it was genuinely one of the most gorgeous weddings I've witnessed.  Size and frills do not a wedding make! 

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    Dreamergirl8812KeptInStitchesNYCMercedesLakeR2014
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer


    A good friend of mine is doing the former, which I understand - they are having a tiny ceremony (<10 people) on the Monday, then a big party and dinner on the Saturday (she'll wear her dress and there will be toasts, but no re-enacting).  Not my bag, but not a true PPD, so I shall go and celebrate happily.  

    A friend of a friend had the most hideous PPD - only the BM and MOH knew they were married, so they effectively lied to their parents and a Catholic priest.  The epitome of not cool for me.  Why do people get their panties in such a bunch about the peripherals?  

    D'autre part, one of my friends had a tiny, intimate, beautiful civil ceremony with a glass of wine and a slice of cake in the pub afterwards and it was genuinely one of the most gorgeous weddings I've witnessed.  Size and frills do not a wedding make! 


    I can't believe anyone would lie to a priest about already being married. That makes me madder than a hatter. If you're going to have the religious ceremony, it needs to happen simultaneously with the legal marriage. At the very least, tell your priest you're already married so he knows he's performing a convalidation. Did they give him a fake marriage license or something? At least in my state, the priest had to sign my license.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    cmclaire said:

    A good friend of mine is doing the former, which I understand - they are having a tiny ceremony (<10 people) on the Monday, then a big party and dinner on the Saturday (she'll wear her dress and there will be toasts, but no re-enacting).  Not my bag, but not a true PPD, so I shall go and celebrate happily.  

    A friend of a friend had the most hideous PPD - only the BM and MOH knew they were married, so they effectively lied to their parents and a Catholic priest.  The epitome of not cool for me.  Why do people get their panties in such a bunch about the peripherals?  

    D'autre part, one of my friends had a tiny, intimate, beautiful civil ceremony with a glass of wine and a slice of cake in the pub afterwards and it was genuinely one of the most gorgeous weddings I've witnessed.  Size and frills do not a wedding make! 
    How in the world does one lie to their priest about their marriage status?  I mean, the priest has to sign the marriage license right?  So how did they gloss over that one?

    PrettyGirlLost
  • I did not read all of this post (way too long), but I will say that it personally does not bother me. I would probably be more offended by being asked to help clean up after a wedding (has happened).

    But, I do think that it is considered more of an etiquette break in the United States vs. many other places around the world.
    AroundTheBlockgeesaman16frost2faSällskapdjur
  • cmclaire said:

    A good friend of mine is doing the former, which I understand - they are having a tiny ceremony (<10 people) on the Monday, then a big party and dinner on the Saturday (she'll wear her dress and there will be toasts, but no re-enacting).  Not my bag, but not a true PPD, so I shall go and celebrate happily.  

    A friend of a friend had the most hideous PPD - only the BM and MOH knew they were married, so they effectively lied to their parents and a Catholic priest.  The epitome of not cool for me.  Why do people get their panties in such a bunch about the peripherals?  

    D'autre part, one of my friends had a tiny, intimate, beautiful civil ceremony with a glass of wine and a slice of cake in the pub afterwards and it was genuinely one of the most gorgeous weddings I've witnessed.  Size and frills do not a wedding make! 
    How in the world does one lie to their priest about their marriage status?  I mean, the priest has to sign the marriage license right?  So how did they gloss over that one?

    Heaven hnows.  As I said, this was a friend of a friend - apparently they simply didn't tell the priest about the first marriage.  Strange people, strange situation.

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  • I don't see why everybody on here gets so up in arms and personally offended about someone having a PPD. I personally wouldn't do it but could care less if someone else does. To each their own.

    And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.
    AroundTheBlockfrost2fall6747perdonami
  • novodca said:
    I don't see why everybody on here gets so up in arms and personally offended about someone having a PPD. I personally wouldn't do it but could care less if someone else does. To each their own. And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.
    It's not so much that we "care" if others are doing it (unless we are involved in some way). It's that most people ask for the proper etiquette approved way to do it. It's completely against all etiquette, so this being an etiquette board, we advise against it. 
    PrettyGirlLostDreamergirl8812Blue_Bird
  • banana468 said:
    I care. I find it repugnant that people feel incomplete unless they get to parade around in expense clothes as the center of attention. We are watching a generation mature into a group that lives with no consequences and it's scary.
    I care too.

    But mostly this is a place for advice on good hosting, and having a PPD flies in the face of that concept, so it is discouraged.  Do what you will, but don't pretend we didn't warn you.

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    PrettyGirlLost
  • novodca said:
    . And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.
    Well aren't some people tricking their guests into attending a fake wedding?  So how would you know not to go, because they are pretending it's a real wedding? 
    grumbledoreLiatris2010
  • jneen101 said:


    novodca said:

    .

    And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.

    Well aren't some people tricking their guests into attending a fake wedding?  So how would you know not to go, because they are pretending it's a real wedding? 


    Hey, if people wanna pay for a party and give me a meal, drinks and some good music then I don't really care what their motivation is. Any excuse to have a little fun!
    Now if they are expecting fancy gifts out of it then that's another story.
    AroundTheBlockperdonami
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    novodca said:
    novodca said:
    . And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.
    Well aren't some people tricking their guests into attending a fake wedding?  So how would you know not to go, because they are pretending it's a real wedding? 
    Hey, if people wanna pay for a party and give me a meal, drinks and some good music then I don't really care what their motivation is. Any excuse to have a little fun! Now if they are expecting fancy gifts out of it then that's another story.
    Usually they are.  Plus lying to you about being married already but I guess that wouldn't bother some people.  (Most cases, not every single one with the lying.)  But the very concept of a PPD is against etiquette, thus we advise brides against it here on the Etiquette board.

    KeptInStitchesgrumbledorePrettyGirlLostsouthernbelle0915
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