What are your etiquette deal breakers?

clcountry · April 2014

Inspired by the dollar dance thread.

Like most here, I try to follow etiquette because I would never want to unintentionally offend someone I love or care about. That said, I also try not to judge mistakes from others because I assume they are doing their best and don't know any better--after all, I'm the girl who dictated attire on her wedding invitations not six months ago, something that makes me cringe with embarrassment now. There are even a few rules that I think are sort of stupid (like the watch thing). However, there are some things that bother me so much, I would have to take action.

1.) Dollar Dances- I would get up and walk out of any wedding with one of these, probably even a family wedding (though for very close family members I would probably claim a headache or something).

2.) Not inviting my husband when I am invited-Before I met DH, I did not understand this one, but I get it now, and I would not hesitate to decline an invitation that did not include him (women only events obviously excluded). I would not explain why unprompted but would not hesitate if asked.

There may be more, but that's off the top of my head.

KeptInStitches · April 2014

Auctioning off the garter. That's the only time I've ever left a reception.

Oh, and inviting me without FI.

QueerFemme · April 2014

Cash bars and B lists

grumbledore · April 2014

In order from worst to just horrible:

1. Not inviting significant others.

2. Gaps.

3. Cash bars.

4. Honeymoon registries/blatant requests for cash.

I have a really low tolerance for rudeness.

clcountry · April 2014

Oh, honeymoon registries. Yeah, I forgot about those. I've never seen one in real life, though I do have a couple of friends of friends who have done them. I can't call them a deal breaker because I don't know how I would respond to one, though.

I've been B-listed once. I knew I had been B-listed, but I didn't really know B-lists were bad at the time. The bride pitched it as, "I've gotten to know you much better since we sent out invitations, and I would like to have you there." I was touched and excited to go. In retrospect, there were several pretty big issues with that wedding (cash bar, not inviting SOs of work friends), so the B-list still doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

I don't know how I would react to that now, though. It would probably depend on how it was pitched to me, still.

grumbledore · April 2014

Pretty much all etiquette faux pas piss me off, the ones I listed are just the most rage-inducing.

bethsmiles · April 2014

If my SO isn't invited I will RSVP no.

Gaps are annoying and if I knew in advance there would be one I would probably RSVP no but depending on how far I would have to travel and how close I was to the couple I might still go.

If I knew I was being B-Listed or that it was a tiered reception I would definitely RSVP no.

A honeymoon registry I would just ignore. Asking for cash means you just get a card.

I don't think there is anything that would make me walk out of a wedding. I've been to a wedding with a dollar dance. My table didn't participate and everyone talked about how tacky it was. There was also a cash bar at that wedding which everyone was annoyed at. Walking out would've felt extreme and drama queen-ish to me though. Is it rude? Yes. Is it annoying? Absolutely. Am I going to make a scene? No.

LadyMillil · April 2014

Stag and does or other wedding fundraisers and then having a cash bar wedding. What did you spend all the fundraised money on? Pay for your own wedding or host the wedding you can afford.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

Zero tolerance for rudeness here. I'm probably way more hardassed about it than I should be. I side eye a lot of stuff.

1. Cash grabs of any kind/shameless begging for money.

2. Guests having to pay for things at your event.

3. Having guests address thank you notes.

4. Not enough food/drink, not appropriate food/drink, bad food/drink.

5. Gaps.

6. Not thanking anyone for anything.

7. Lack of respect for your guests on any level.

8. B-lists.

9. Not inviting SO's. (Certain extenuating circumstances excepted.)

10. Lying to your guests, about anything. Includes lies by omission.

11. Tiered events.

12. Setting guests up for failure/disappointment/anger/embarassment by not keeping them fully informed about details of the event.

thesummersky · April 2014

With worst being first:

Being lied or omitted to about what to expect at the ceremony or reception (think PPD).
Not inviting SO - or being the SO that wasn't invited. Not sure which is worse.
Having to pay for anything at the reception.
Not being thanked.
Tiered events - or really, just not enough of anything for every guest.
Guests addressing thank you notes? ...that's a thing? Well I guess that's on here too!

perdonami · April 2014

At the risk of pissing everyone off, what is a tier wedding?

PrincessOfHavoc · April 2014

Demands for anything. Usually money, but potluck is common in my area. I RSVP no then.

Lack of dinner for a dinner time reception.

Gaps over an hour.

Group invites. Facebook or email invites. Both make me want to rip my hair out. Despite having a laid back wedding, this is one time I feel needs to be accorded full manners. Not posting on the break room board or Facebook. Those seem gimme gimme to me.

Any of the run away groom, it's his funeral, etc. crap. Seriously? I can't explain how much those offend me. Probably because I'm spoiled in my parents were married until my Mom died 7 years ago, and my parents were always happy with each other. Plus, funeral also trips me because I survived a grievous day and buried friends. So that still is extremely painful.

Most of my issues are just from not being a good host.

KeptInStitches · April 2014

perdonami said:

At the risk of pissing everyone off, what is a tier wedding?

It's a wedding where more people are invited to the reception than the ceremony. Say 50 people are invited to the ceremony, but 75 are invited to the reception. It's rude because everyone should be invited to share in all parts of the day and really, the ceremony is the most important part.

QueerFemme · April 2014

perdonami said:
At the risk of pissing everyone off, what is a tier wedding?

In addition to the example @keptinstitches gave, an example if a tiered wedding would be where you invite 50 people to the ceremony and dinner, and invite an additional group to the "dance part" of the wedding.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

I'm pretty laid back about most etiquette stuff so I would ignore most of it but I hate being told what to do. So if someone tried to have a dress code or an "unplugged" wedding, stuff along those lines I'd either RSVP no or go and wear and/do what I wanted anyway.

kmmssg · April 2014

I am trying to become a less judgy person of others so I will overlook quite a bit. What I learned from the last wedding (which was the biggest cluster I have ever attended) is sometimes there is someone there who needs a little moral support. This was my BFF's DD's wedding and my BFF was a wreck because she was cut out of the planning (controlling groom who made things into a "my church" vs "your parents church" kinda deal). They came to her 10 days before the wedding with the biggest cluster you can imagine and not all of it was fixable. BFF needed a little moral support.

Anyhoo - I will not attend if you don't invite DH. If you choose a huge gap it is my choice which portion I attend (I won't wait around for 3 hours) and if I choose your reception I will have zero guilt about that.

I have probably attended more cash bars than open bars and I only remember maybe 3 or 4 weddings that did NOT have the dollar dance so I wouldn't walk out because of that. The cash bar wedding where I paid for my Diet Coke was also the one with the 3 hour gap. I was not a happy camper for that one at all. It was a 400 person reception.

I will not take part in your honeymoon registry or your cash grab. If I l attend your wedding, I will give you whatever gift I feel is best (I usually give cash anyway). My gift, my choice.

If you invite me to the "dance part" of your reception you won't see me there. That really doesn't happen around here anyway.

It is very important to me that we do our kids wedding correctly and so far so good. I am trying to keep in mind that people don't know what they don't know and if they don't know proper etiquette that will show in their weddings. It isn't full of malice if they just don't know what they should be doing. If you invite me to your wedding with my DH, don't have a gap, and don't have us come after dinner I will most likely show up and play nice.

twitterbird · April 2014

No deal breakers but the following seem to be normal where I live:

1. Cash or partial cash bars

2. B lists

3. Tiered receptions

4. Inviting people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding

5. Long (and I mean 5 hour long) gaps

Sigh

emmyg65 · April 2014

Not inviting SOs

Gaps

Not writing thank you notes

Tiered receptions

Secret PPDs

Cash bar

I'm one of those crazy people who won't get you a baby gift if you don't send a thank you for the wedding gift. Thank you notes just aren't that hard.

grumbledore · April 2014

Oh, I forgot about thank you notes. I didn't categorize this as a deal-breaker because I wouldn't know about it until after the fact. But couples who do not send me a timely thank you note for a shower and/or wedding gift do not ever, and I mean ever, get another gift from me. Ever. Not for a housewarming, not for a baby, not for anything.

I do not, however, expect thank you notes for birthday and Christmas gifts (this came up in another thread not that long ago). I do expect them for shower (all types, wedding, baby, whatever) and wedding gifts.

cupcait927 · April 2014

Only two for me - gaps and not inviting my FI if you invite me or vice versa. As @kmmssg said, if you have a gap, I will choose which portion I attend, if I attend at all. I will have no qualms about only attending your reception if you have a gap over an hour.

melbenso · April 2014

The biggest etiquette deal breaker for me is not feeding guests properly. If your reception is at a meal time, serve a meal. If you have a buffet, make sure there is enough food for everyone. If you have a cocktail hour, make sure there are enough appetizers so that people aren't starving or drunk (not sure which is worse) by dinner.

Second biggest pet peeves: gaps. I honestly don't mind a super short gap (read 15 minutes or so). I'll usually chalk that up to the venue not getting things together on time. But if you structure your ceremony and reception so that you know guests will be waiting around for the reception venue to open the doors or so that guests have to kill time before even going to the reception, that's just ridiculous. And if I can tell from your invite that you are doing this, I will either decline or skip the ceremony.

If I found out I was on someone's B-list or invited to a tiered reception I'd be pretty annoyed too. These both scream "We like you, but not enough to treat you right."

Partial cash bars are so common in my area, I don't really mind them. I won't be having one, but growing up with them being the norm, I always bring cash to weddings, just in case.

I also can't stand unassigned seating at receptions. I know it's not against etiquette, but I hate trying to find a place to sit, guarding that seat, and searching for people I know.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Straight-up deal-breakers (as in, I won't attend your wedding, period):

-- Inviting me without DH

-- B-listing us

-- Having an OOT wedding with any kind of gap -- if I have to travel, I expect you to properly host me for every second of your wedding, from the moment I am seated in the pew to the moment the reception ends.

-- Being lied to about what's happening. If this is a PPD, I want to know; we may still attend (probably not), but I want to know what I'm being invited to.

-- Giving me a dress code that is anything OTHER THAN 'black tie'; and if your invitation says 'black tie' and I have DH rent a tux, it had damn well better be black tie.

Things I would side-eye and gripe to DH about but ultimately let go:

-- 'Cutesy' vows -- these are meant to be vows for a lifelong commitment; please make them serious and meaningful (religious or not), don't make them jokes or cutesy or flippant.

-- Cash bar; I just won't drink alcohol.

-- Honeymoon registry; you do one of these and you're getting a card and nothing else.

-- No thank-yous; I will privately to DH (and probably Mama HisGirl) discuss the fact you were clearly raised in a barn. And, like @grumbledore, if I didn't get one from your wedding, you'd never get another gift from me, ever. Also, if I don't get a thank-you for the shower gift, you're not getting a wedding gift.

-- A dollar dance; we'd just go outside for some fresh air.

-- A bouquet and garter toss; I get that some people like them, but at our age (early 30s) there usually isn't a large number of single people at weddings, and it seems cruel to make a spectacle of them.

-- Anything more than three, maybe four, toasts and any amount of talking more than five minutes; I don't want to hear a litany of inside jokes that only three people at the reception understand.

-- Any kinds of games, or forced interaction (special dances) at the reception. I do not want to have to dance for my dinner, as I did at a friend's wedding, where we were seated, then had to go to the dance floor for the couple's first dance; we were re-seated and ate our salads, then went to the dance floor for a 'group dance'; we were re-seated and ate our meals, then went to the dance floor for the parent/child dances; we were re-seated for dessert, then we were called to the dance floor for the bouquet toss. It was REALLY irritating.

atlastmrsg · April 2014

People bringing/asking to bring children, when the invite was addressed to person and spouse/significant other, RSVP has two seats/online RSVP does not give option to check that child is part of party... And especially if website tells guests they will be enjoying an adult evening of cocktails, dancing, etc.

buddysmom80 · April 2014

-"and guest"-ing myself or FI after we've hung out on numerous occasions.

-cash bar

-Inviting some SO's and not others

My biggest deal breaker (like, never expect a gift from us again) is no thank you note. It literally takes 2 minutes to do.

ETA: Words are hard today.

ShellD13 · April 2014

Okay I'd never heard of a honeyfund until I joined The Knot but I got very twitchy last week when a family friend shared a screenshot of her own honeyfund on FB with an exclamation about how they had just been gifted her "favorite" excursion. So not only does it make all of her FB friends feel like chopped liver because they weren't the ones to get them "that excursion" the screenshot she shared included the full names of the people who had gifted everything that was captured in the picture.

Favorite excursion #1 - Mr. and Mrs. Super Guest

Poor Choice excursion #2 - Mrs. Thanks a lot

2 Days of Hotel stay - Mr. Wedding Gift Giver

ETA: Duplicate word choice.

16maybeless · April 2014

Honestly, dress codes annoy me the most, because they are never clear. "Beach formal." "Dressy but casual." "Black tie optional." None of that tells me what to wear.

The last three of four weddings I've attended have either contained a dress code on the invite or, via word-of-mouth, I was told to dress in a certain color. For a spring wedding, I was asked to wear a short dark purple dress. Not a member of the wedding party. Just told to wear dark purple. I don't own dark purple, and I don't want to go out and buy dark purple so you can have a photo of your guests dressed like dolls.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

@scribe95 raises a good point -- if your reception is over a mealtime, and there's no food, DH and I will leave as soon as I learn about this. Hangry HisGirl is liable to be very, very, VERY snarky, so it's better for you if I'm fed and happy.

16maybeless said:

Honestly, dress codes annoy me the most, because they are never clear. "Beach formal." "Dressy but casual." "Black tie optional." None of that tells me what to wear.

The last three of four weddings I've attended have either contained a dress code on the invite or, via word-of-mouth, I was told to dress in a certain color. For a spring wedding, I was asked to wear a short dark purple dress. Not a member of the wedding party. Just told to wear dark purple. I don't own dark purple, and I don't want to go out and buy dark purple so you can have a photo of your guests dressed like dolls.

DH and I were invited to a friend's wedding in June that's (a) on a Tuesday and (b) a DW and (c) has a crap-ton of other etiquette problems with it, but the invite included a note to 'dress in the happy couple's wedding theme -- for men, light-colored khaki pants, white or pastel green or light blue button downs, for women, light-colored khaki pants or skirts, white or pale yellow or pastel green or light blue tops.'

Had we been planning to attend (we weren't anyway, for a host of reasons), I was planning on wearing a perfectly beautiful red and white sundress I own.

KatWAG · April 2014

I have never seen a dollar dance/ dollar tree, cutesy games, or a cash bar. But those would be deal breakers for me.

I have experienced huge gaps, garter tosses and no thank you notes. Those are all deal breakers and I will would most likely have a snarky comment ready.

larrygaga · April 2014

Every wedding I've been to had a dollar dance. I find them distasteful, but I always go up to dance with whichever piece of the couple I know. I don't want one at all.

Cash bars are totally not a big deal imo. I also won't have one, but I really don't mind. There are much bigger violations.

RUNNING OUT OF FOOD WILL MAKE ME WALK THE F OUT WITH MY GIFT.

This honestly happened a few weeks ago, I hadn't put my cash gift in the card box yet, so we left with it to go buy dinner.

I also walked out of a wedding for not letting anyone dance. We had to sit and watch the couple play jeopardy for 3 hours so when the bar closed we were out. We were rude and talked the entire way through the games.

Not inviting my FI or vice versa.

2 hour mass unless I am REALLY close to the couple. I can't sit for that long.

Inkdancer · April 2014

I left the room at a wedding reception when they put the garter on the girl who caught the bouquet. It was the most embarrassing thing and I couldn't stand it.

Otherwise, I'd probably stay for the whole wedding once I got there. Unless the bride or groom was inappropriately drunk. That would make me very unhappy.

ladyamanuet · April 2014

larrygaga said:

Every wedding I've been to had a dollar dance. I find them distasteful, but I always go up to dance with whichever piece of the couple I know. I don't want one at all.

Cash bars are totally not a big deal imo. I also won't have one, but I really don't mind. There are much bigger violations.

RUNNING OUT OF FOOD WILL MAKE ME WALK THE F OUT WITH MY GIFT.

This honestly happened a few weeks ago, I hadn't put my cash gift in the card box yet, so we left with it to go buy dinner.

I also walked out of a wedding for not letting anyone dance. We had to sit and watch the couple play jeopardy for 3 hours so when the bar closed we were out. We were rude and talked the entire way through the games.

Not inviting my FI or vice versa.

2 hour mass unless I am REALLY close to the couple. I can't sit for that long.

I'm sorry, what? My brain cannot compute....

What are your etiquette deal breakers?

Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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