What are your etiquette deal breakers?

grumbledore · April 2014

ckel24 said:

In @claire0802's defense, some caterers/venues do need numbers that early. My venue is all inclusive and needs the final head count 30 days before my wedding. So my invites need to go out pretty early as well.

It's extremely rare and unreasonable for a caterer to demand final numbers 30 days out. You can't even buy food that early.

I negotiated later final dates with all of my vendors just to be safe, but if I recall correctly, my caterer asked for final numbers one week out, as did my rental company.

30 days is nuts. NEGOTIATE lurkers.

lyndausvi · April 2014

grumbledore said:

ckel24 said:

In @claire0802's defense, some caterers/venues do need numbers that early. My venue is all inclusive and needs the final head count 30 days before my wedding. So my invites need to go out pretty early as well.

It's extremely rare and unreasonable for a caterer to demand final numbers 30 days out. You can't even buy food that early.

I negotiated later final dates with all of my vendors just to be safe, but if I recall correctly, my caterer asked for final numbers one week out, as did my rental company.

30 days is nuts. NEGOTIATE lurkers.

YES !

I think people are are not experienced enough to question "requirements".

I've been talking to my DH and he doesn't understand. He has worked around this country and in the islands. City hotels to remote locations. He doesn't get why a venue would need numbers that far out? Maybe labor reasons? But I've worked in some of these places also and schedules comes out a week out. If there were extra big events we would knew ahead of time.

I would definitely negotiate this point.

kirkland3 · April 2014

Sounds like bologna to me. It's their wedding they can do what they want stop being a baby about it. The thank you card is the only problem. We ignore things everyday and you should know the bride and groom somewhat enough to know what to expect. I'm sure at the end of the day they dont completely care. They fed and entertained you for an afternoon yay and have a good day!

cupcait927 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

ckel24 said:

In @claire0802's defense, some caterers/venues do need numbers that early. My venue is all inclusive and needs the final head count 30 days before my wedding. So my invites need to go out pretty early as well.

It's extremely rare and unreasonable for a caterer to demand final numbers 30 days out. You can't even buy food that early.

I negotiated later final dates with all of my vendors just to be safe, but if I recall correctly, my caterer asked for final numbers one week out, as did my rental company.

30 days is nuts. NEGOTIATE lurkers.

I'm sure not negotiating this point won't be my last mistake. I'm okay with it. I honestly had no idea before I signed the contract what the typical timeframe was as I've never done this before and wasn't particularly active on here

Hopefully everything will turn out fine and my venue coordinator seems pretty helpful so maybe there will be some flexibility.

ohannabelle · April 2014

Elaine727 said:

Nope. tl;dr lol

Sadly, I have no problem believing this statement at all. Not everyone can handle the strain of three and a half whole paragraphs of reading.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

ohannabelle said:

Elaine727 said:

Nope. tl;dr lol

Sadly, I have no problem believing this statement at all. Not everyone can handle the strain of three and a half whole paragraphs of reading.

Well I tried and that is all I can do.

ohannabelle · April 2014

kirkland3 said:

Sounds like bologna to me. It's their wedding they can do what they want stop being a baby about it. The thank you card is the only problem. We ignore things everyday and you should know the bride and groom somewhat enough to know what to expect. I'm sure at the end of the day they dont completely care. They fed and entertained you for an afternoon yay and have a good day!

Well. There's a kind of logic here. I think.

That is, I'm not sure what sounds like bologna. Or which thank you card where might be a problem. Or whose wedding we're discussing.

But yes, people may do whatever they want, and yes, the impression they leave is that they don't care.

chibiyui · April 2014

kirkland3 said:

Sounds like bologna to me. It's their wedding they can do what they want stop being a baby about it. The thank you card is the only problem. We ignore things everyday and you should know the bride and groom somewhat enough to know what to expect. I'm sure at the end of the day they dont completely care. They fed and entertained you for an afternoon yay and have a good day!

LadyMillil · April 2014

Geez, this is what I get for working like crazy the past 2 days. Anyways, awhile back someone said the bride and groom should be treated like royalty on their wedding day. I felt like I was treated "like royalty" on my wedding day - I got my hair and make up done, I wore a beautiful dress, everyone complimented me, I had tons of pictures taken and I had a fantastic meal. Guess what, I also hosted my guests properly. I did not have a gap, I gave up on my "dream" ceremony location so my guests would be comfortable (not freezing cold!), I had a seat for every guest, all guests were invited with their SO regardless of length of relationship or if DH or I knew them, there was more than enough food for everyone, and drinks were hosted. And, guess what. DH and I paid for the wedding ourselves. We are not wealthy. I am a full time student and DH was laid off 4 months before our wedding. I got a part time job when we got engaged and saved every penny for the wedding, we scheduled our wedding during the "off-season" and negotiated lower prices and we significantly cut back our day-to-day expenses. When DH was laid off we made cuts to almost every part of our wedding budget. We were still able to host our guests well because we reallocated money from attire, rings, flowers, etc etc to food and drink, because guests don't care about centrepieces, they care about having something to eat if it is a meal time and something to drink (non-alcoholic or not) with their food. I did not have the wedding that I've dreamed about my whole life, but I had the wedding of my dreams because at the end of the day I was married to the man I love. Edit - I have paragraphs, but they aren't showing up

afox007 · April 2014

I have a few things that need to be said:
1. I just read all 21 pages of this and I need someone to send me some wine, Tylenol, and possibly a puppy and a Xanax.

2. Thank you to all the wonderful knottiest that were actively fighting for etiquette the past few days you are all amazing!

3. I have never been happier that I used to be a semi speshul snowflake back in high school. I was convinced I needed to have my speshul day and therefore had to start planning at 17. I discovered these boards and I quietly lurked the shit out of them. I realized a few things very quickly. One being I wasn't engaged or anywhere close so I needed to just wait my turn. More importantly I realized I was a fucking brat who got a huge reality check. I love knowing that my brief lurking from high school stopped me from being a speshul snowflake now.

FiancB · April 2014

I found this unicorn fart cake. Naturally, I thought of this thread. It shall now pay a visit for all threads of this nature.

DaisyMaeMommy · April 2014

Just read all 21 pages...

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

grumbledore said:

ckel24 said:

In @claire0802's defense, some caterers/venues do need numbers that early. My venue is all inclusive and needs the final head count 30 days before my wedding. So my invites need to go out pretty early as well.

It's extremely rare and unreasonable for a caterer to demand final numbers 30 days out. You can't even buy food that early.

I negotiated later final dates with all of my vendors just to be safe, but if I recall correctly, my caterer asked for final numbers one week out, as did my rental company.

30 days is nuts. NEGOTIATE lurkers.

Is it really THAT nuts though? If the typical timeframe is 2-3 weeks out, she's only 9 additional days past the recommended "max." If you don't know whether you can make a trip to Alaska a month out, you probably won't be making it...that's not really a "drop of a hat" kind of trip.

Anyway, she's got a few days to wait for the mail to catch up when people drop their RSVP in the mail at the 30 day mark, and the recommended week to call any non-responders, and then she's right on schedule with the norm. I think she's got time to negotiate that hard deadline with her venue still (and @claire0802 - I would, because of the two issues above) without changing her invitations. This is not a panic-worthy issue.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

lolo883 said:

grumbledore said:

ckel24 said:

In @claire0802's defense, some caterers/venues do need numbers that early. My venue is all inclusive and needs the final head count 30 days before my wedding. So my invites need to go out pretty early as well.

It's extremely rare and unreasonable for a caterer to demand final numbers 30 days out. You can't even buy food that early.

I negotiated later final dates with all of my vendors just to be safe, but if I recall correctly, my caterer asked for final numbers one week out, as did my rental company.

30 days is nuts. NEGOTIATE lurkers.

Is it really THAT nuts though? If the typical timeframe is 2-3 weeks out, she's only 9 additional days past the recommended "max." If you don't know whether you can make a trip to Alaska a month out, you probably won't be making it...that's not really a "drop of a hat" kind of trip.

Anyway, she's got a few days to wait for the mail to catch up when people drop their RSVP in the mail at the 30 day mark, and the recommended week to call any non-responders, and then she's right on schedule with the norm. I think she's got time to negotiate that hard deadline with her venue still (and @claire0802 - I would, because of the two issues above) without changing her invitations. This is not a panic-worthy issue.

It's not though. It's two weeks max. Most caterers want the final headcount a week in advance. What are they going to do, order the food a month before the wedding and let it sit around? I don't think so and I surely wouldn't want to eat it, lol.

AddieCake · April 2014

I would definitely say negotiate if possible. However, we can't sit here and definitively say, "Your caterer/venue doesn't need the count that early." Unless we work there, we can't speak for these places. It is one thing for us to go, "Woah! Are you sure they need it? Why do they need it then? That's strange!" But I get annoyed when we presume to speak on behalf of businesses.

ETA: I suspect some brides just CLAIM their venue/caterer needs it early b/c they need someone to blame for their ridiculously early RSVP date. So if that's the case, slow your roll! Don't have your RSVPs "needed" back earlier than necessary just b/c you can't calm yourself down from the excitement and think you need all this crazy time to get organized.

lyndausvi · April 2014

lolo883 said:

grumbledore said:

ckel24 said:

In @claire0802's defense, some caterers/venues do need numbers that early. My venue is all inclusive and needs the final head count 30 days before my wedding. So my invites need to go out pretty early as well.

It's extremely rare and unreasonable for a caterer to demand final numbers 30 days out. You can't even buy food that early.

I negotiated later final dates with all of my vendors just to be safe, but if I recall correctly, my caterer asked for final numbers one week out, as did my rental company.

30 days is nuts. NEGOTIATE lurkers.

Is it really THAT nuts though? If the typical timeframe is 2-3 weeks out, she's only 9 additional days past the recommended "max." If you don't know whether you can make a trip to Alaska a month out, you probably won't be making it...that's not really a "drop of a hat" kind of trip.

Anyway, she's got a few days to wait for the mail to catch up when people drop their RSVP in the mail at the 30 day mark, and the recommended week to call any non-responders, and then she's right on schedule with the norm. I think she's got time to negotiate that hard deadline with her venue still (and @claire0802 - I would, because of the two issues above) without changing her invitations. This is not a panic-worthy issue.

she is saying that a VENUE needing numbers 30 days out is crazy. And I agree. A venue needs numbers 30 days out means your RSVP date needs to be 37-40+ days out. Which I think is crazy. Even for a wedding in Alaska.

She is telling lurkers or anyone else who has not signed a contract to negotiate this point. Which I also agree.

As we know, invites should be sent out 6-8 weeks out. Although I'm good with up to 10 weeks. If you follow the 6-8 week time frame and your venue needs numbers 30 days out your guests are only given a week or so to respond.

I'm sure the poster understands not much can be done with invites already printed and/or sent. but it helps out people who have not crossed that bridge yet.

patriciabeatriz86 · April 2014

WOW!! Reading through all of these comments you all sound so entitled! UGH! The biggest turnoff is an ungrateful guest. I'd rather not have them there.

I have been to about 12 weddings in the last couple of years and I can safely say that some of them have checked off these items we scoff at so disdainfully.

So your SO of not that long wasn't added--- think about HOW DIFFICULT a decision that was for the bride and groom to make. How much they REALLY wanted you there but couldn't afford that extra plate.

So you are not a part of the "A-list" -- think about HOW MUCH EFFORT went into deciding who would even be there. B-list doesn't mean that you weren't wanted there-- otherwise you WOULD NOT have been invited.

So there is a limited bar or a cash bar --- difficult to swallow, I know, but think about how, maybe, the couple did this so that you WOULD be able to bring your plus one.

Let's try enjoying the moment when we are at a wedding. Things will go wrong and above anyone else, it will likely be the bride who is freaking out. So let's do her a favor and wipe the ungrateful off our faces and tell her how excited you are to have been invited.

*mic drop*

sofakingmad · April 2014

Honestly, I wish that I had found these boards before my wedding because I did make some etiquette mistakes. I know when I first joined, I was also very defensive about my mistakes, but after hanging out for a while and really listening and learning, I realized why etiquette is in place.

LDay2014 · April 2014

patriciabeatriz86 said:

WOW!! Reading through all of these comments you all sound so entitled! UGH! The biggest turnoff is an ungrateful guest. I'd rather not have them there. How about an ungrateful bride and groom. Afterall, the reception is to say THANK YOU to your guests...nothing says thank you like 'hey, give me money'

I have been to about 12 weddings in the last couple of years and I can safely say that some of them have checked off these items we scoff at so disdainfully.

So your SO of not that long wasn't added--- think about HOW DIFFICULT a decision that was for the bride and groom to make. How much they REALLY wanted you there but couldn't afford that extra plate. Then they should have budgeted for less flowers, lower cost venue/food/dress etc to make sure I know how much they actually wanted me to celebrate with them.

So you are not a part of the "A-list" -- think about HOW MUCH EFFORT went into deciding who would even be there. B-list doesn't mean that you weren't wanted there-- otherwise you WOULD NOT have been invited. It means we sort of wanted you there but since someone else couldn't make it, you'll do!

So there is a limited bar or a cash bar --- difficult to swallow, I know, but think about how, maybe, the couple did this so that you WOULD be able to bring your plus one. Nothing wrong with a limited bar, or no alcohol either. I'd rather NO alcohol and being able to bring my FI

Let's try enjoying the moment when we are at a wedding. Things will go wrong and above anyone else, it will likely be the bride who is freaking out. So let's do her a favor and wipe the ungrateful off our faces and tell her how excited you are to have been invited.

*mic drop*

LDay2014 · April 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

Honestly, I wish that I had found these boards before my wedding because I did make some etiquette mistakes. I know when I first joined, I was also very defensive about my mistakes, but after hanging out for a while and really listening and learning, I realized why etiquette is in place.

Ditto! Me too...I had gap issues

.

Thanks ladies for caring enough about etiquette to make sure I didn't offend the people I love most. That I show them how much I appreciate them.

You rock!

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

patriciabeatriz86 said:

WOW!! Reading through all of these comments you all sound so entitled! UGH! The biggest turnoff is an ungrateful guest. I'd rather not have them there.

I have been to about 12 weddings in the last couple of years and I can safely say that some of them have checked off these items we scoff at so disdainfully.

So your SO of not that long wasn't added--- think about HOW DIFFICULT a decision that was for the bride and groom to make. How much they REALLY wanted you there but couldn't afford that extra plate.

So you are not a part of the "A-list" -- think about HOW MUCH EFFORT went into deciding who would even be there. B-list doesn't mean that you weren't wanted there-- otherwise you WOULD NOT have been invited.

So there is a limited bar or a cash bar --- difficult to swallow, I know, but think about how, maybe, the couple did this so that you WOULD be able to bring your plus one.

Let's try enjoying the moment when we are at a wedding. Things will go wrong and above anyone else, it will likely be the bride who is freaking out. So let's do her a favor and wipe the ungrateful off our faces and tell her how excited you are to have been invited.

*mic drop*

DaisyMaeMommy · April 2014

patriciabeatriz86 said:

WOW!! Reading through all of these comments you all sound so entitled! UGH! The biggest turnoff is an ungrateful guest. I'd rather not have them there.

I have been to about 12 weddings in the last couple of years and I can safely say that some of them have checked off these items we scoff at so disdainfully.

So your SO of not that long wasn't added--- think about HOW DIFFICULT a decision that was for the bride and groom to make. How much they REALLY wanted you there but couldn't afford that extra plate.

So you are not a part of the "A-list" -- think about HOW MUCH EFFORT went into deciding who would even be there. B-list doesn't mean that you weren't wanted there-- otherwise you WOULD NOT have been invited.

So there is a limited bar or a cash bar --- difficult to swallow, I know, but think about how, maybe, the couple did this so that you WOULD be able to bring your plus one.

Let's try enjoying the moment when we are at a wedding. Things will go wrong and above anyone else, it will likely be the bride who is freaking out. So let's do her a favor and wipe the ungrateful off our faces and tell her how excited you are to have been invited.

*mic drop*

Inkdancer · April 2014

patriciabeatriz86 said:

WOW!! Reading through all of these comments you all sound so entitled! UGH! The biggest turnoff is an ungrateful guest. I'd rather not have them there.

I have been to about 12 weddings in the last couple of years and I can safely say that some of them have checked off these items we scoff at so disdainfully.

So your SO of not that long wasn't added--- think about HOW DIFFICULT a decision that was for the bride and groom to make. How much they REALLY wanted you there but couldn't afford that extra plate.

So you are not a part of the "A-list" -- think about HOW MUCH EFFORT went into deciding who would even be there. B-list doesn't mean that you weren't wanted there-- otherwise you WOULD NOT have been invited.

So there is a limited bar or a cash bar --- difficult to swallow, I know, but think about how, maybe, the couple did this so that you WOULD be able to bring your plus one.

Let's try enjoying the moment when we are at a wedding. Things will go wrong and above anyone else, it will likely be the bride who is freaking out. So let's do her a favor and wipe the ungrateful off our faces and tell her how excited you are to have been invited.

*mic drop*

Nope. You only get to drop the mic when you've actually brought it.

All these things tell you is that the bride(s)/groom(s) prioritized other things over the comfort and happiness of their guests.

If you weren't dating your SO when invitations went out, then you don't get to complain. But what we're concerned about here on the E-board is when stupid cutoffs like "no ring, no bring" or "only serious relationships" come into play. If the bride and groom can't be bothered to respect my relationship, why should I come celebrate theirs?

If you're not on the A-list, why weren't you? If the bride and groom really wanted to celebrate with me, they would have picked a venue big enough to include all the people they wanted to see. Unless, of course, they prioritized their "vision" over actually spending time with the friends and family who matter to them. Can't fit all 400 of your closest friends and family in that cute country club? Then go somewhere else.

Can't afford to host alcohol? Then don't offer it. There is no etiquette rule that says weddings must be held on a Saturday evening with a 5-course meal and a full open bar. But if you demanded a $10k designer dress and a high-end venue, don't expect me to foot the bill for my drinks. It's obvious to guests what your priorities are--and if it isn't the guests' comfort, they will be unhappy.

I've been to plenty of weddings too, and even at the poorly hosted ones I never said an unpleasant word to the bride and groom. But if you can change your priorities to make sure all your guests have a date, a seat, and a drink... why on earth wouldn't you do it?

LDay2014 · April 2014

@Inkdancer

*Mic Drop* you may use it

jdluvr06 · April 2014

WOW!! Reading through all of these comments you all sound so entitled! UGH! The biggest turnoff is an ungrateful guest. I'd rather not have them there.

I have been to about 12 weddings in the last couple of years and I can safely say that some of them have checked off these items we scoff at so disdainfully.

So your SO of not that long wasn't added--- think about HOW DIFFICULT a decision that was for the bride and groom to make. How much they REALLY wanted you there but couldn't afford that extra plate.

So you are not a part of the "A-list" -- think about HOW MUCH EFFORT went into deciding who would even be there. B-list doesn't mean that you weren't wanted there-- otherwise you WOULD NOT have been invited.

So there is a limited bar or a cash bar --- difficult to swallow, I know, but think about how, maybe, the couple did this so that you WOULD be able to bring your plus one.

Let's try enjoying the moment when we are at a wedding. Things will go wrong and above anyone else, it will likely be the bride who is freaking out. So let's do her a favor and wipe the ungrateful off our faces and tell her how excited you are to have been invited.

*mic drop*

Hehehehe... It is funny to see all these people talk about "entitled guest" when they sound like entitled brides.

lyndausvi · April 2014

Let's try enjoying the moment when we are at a wedding. Things will go wrong and above anyone else, it will likely be the bride who is freaking out. So let's do her a favor and wipe the ungrateful off our faces and tell her how excited you are to have been invited.

I was to have a beach wedding. This little thing called Tropical Storm Hannah showed up. Yeah, that kind-of sucks. Know what? As the bride I didn't freak out. I had a backup plan, all my guest's SOs were with them in this ridiculous storm, plenty of free booze, full meal as it it was dinner time,comfortable chairs, great entertainment and even transportation for those who didn't want to be a DD. I didn't need to freak about anything because I knew my guests were taken care of. They were safe, dry, fed and liquored up without opening their wallets. That is the least I could do since 100% of the list was OOT. They gave up their time and money to come to my wedding. I'm sure most of them spent way more of their money to come to the wedding then I did on hosting them.

Hell, I even feed the tent guys who were forced to give up their Saturday night to ensure my guests were safe. Yep, they got the exact same meal my guests. I don't even know their names and will never cross their path ever again.

It was my special day. I loved looking out at the crowd seeing everyone still having an amazing time in that storm. They had a good time because we hosted them correctly and didn't freak out over things we could not control (i.e. the weather).

ashkash01 · April 2014

Oh wow - this is a fascinating list. First things first: what the heck is a dollar dance!? Is it as obvious at it sounds? Because wow. I'm actually shocked to hear that exists! I'm inviting guests because I love them, not because I want their money. *shudder*

Also curious: FI? DH? PPD? So many acronyms.

I guess that means my etiquette deal breakers probably include asking for money of any kind. Sometimes money is gifted, but I can't imagine asking for it. If no one brought any gifts to my wedding, I might question a few things but really and truly, the day would still be amazing...it's about sharing in our day as a couple, NOT sharing in other's pocketbooks!

In my experience, Thank You notes always take the bride/groom some time- this doesn't bother me as much as a (holds in vomit) dollar dance.

Any comments from the gallery about kids? Kids in the wedding party (we have one, nieces and nephews etc) but I don't want the wedding overrun by kids so we won't be inviting others. There's really no easy way around how tacky this could get, is there.

a.

offthemarket915 · April 2014

ashkash01 See the search feature in the upper right hand corner of your screen? You can look up the acronyms or find an old thread that lists them. And several were addressed already in this very thread.

*Edited to not be so cranky

Fairyjen1 · April 2014

I don't have many deal breakers. My family is not good at etiquette, though so I was raised with cash bars, honeymoon funds and dollar dances being the norm.

I don't mind PPD's. I don't even care if you don't tell me as long as you provide good food and company I'll show up! I don't mind cash bars. Honeymoon funds I'll probably just give you a check. Dollar dance I don't participate because I'm not paying to dance with one of my cousins, LOL.

My only deal breakers are if FI isn't invited I won't go. Also if you have a large gap and it's a local wedding I will probably go to the part of your wedding that is most convenient to me, whether it's the ceremony or the reception.

Overall, I thought I was pretty immune to offense. Even in the case where Fi is not invited I'm not offended per se, I just see him so little with his work schedule that if he has the day off I would want to go with him. HOWEVER, then I ran across this money poem in a thread on the offbeat wedding board

"We are enclosing a poem with the invitations, asking for contributions to our honeymoon rather than gifts. This is our choice. I have a cute funny poem, but what about maybe adding on the bottom the website for the resort we plan to stay at so people can see where they gifts went. We also plan on taking the "Thank You" picture on our honeymoon to make thank you cards with upon our return.

As you know we're getting married,
So soon we will be wed.
Gifts are oh so welcome-
But could we have money instead?
It's to spend whilst we're on honeymoon,
As our love we celebrate.
We hope you're not offended,
But if you are......................Oops, it's too late! "

THIS...managed to offend me and I wouldn't be going anywhere near this wedding. It's not the asking for cash so much, I usually just chalk that up to not being raised with etiquette. What I don't like is the flippant attitude. I'm still hoping this was just a troll...

grumbledore · April 2014

lolo883 said:

grumbledore said:

ckel24 said:

In @claire0802's defense, some caterers/venues do need numbers that early. My venue is all inclusive and needs the final head count 30 days before my wedding. So my invites need to go out pretty early as well.

It's extremely rare and unreasonable for a caterer to demand final numbers 30 days out. You can't even buy food that early.

I negotiated later final dates with all of my vendors just to be safe, but if I recall correctly, my caterer asked for final numbers one week out, as did my rental company.

30 days is nuts. NEGOTIATE lurkers.

Is it really THAT nuts though? If the typical timeframe is 2-3 weeks out, she's only 9 additional days past the recommended "max." If you don't know whether you can make a trip to Alaska a month out, you probably won't be making it...that's not really a "drop of a hat" kind of trip.

Anyway, she's got a few days to wait for the mail to catch up when people drop their RSVP in the mail at the 30 day mark, and the recommended week to call any non-responders, and then she's right on schedule with the norm. I think she's got time to negotiate that hard deadline with her venue still (and @claire0802 - I would, because of the two issues above) without changing her invitations. This is not a panic-worthy issue.

IMO, if she knew her wedding was going to be a huge trip for people, she should have been thoughtful and sent a save the date. I don't really care about her RSVP date, but she should have negotiated with her vendor.

What are your etiquette deal breakers?

Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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