FI and money -vent-

Re: FI and money -vent-

• doeydo member

  

  September 2014

  Well, of course it is only things he doesn't like.  If he did like it, then why would he want to control it?  
  Seriously, please get into counselling and open your own back account.  You two should be equals and just because you are a SAHM (which you want to be?) does not mean that money is all his or his decision to do what with.

  
  

  Report4 Reply
• steph861 member

  

  September 2014

  doeydo said:

  Well, of course it is only things he doesn't like.  If he did like it, then why would he want to control it?  
  Seriously, please get into counselling and open your own back account.  You two should be equals and just because you are a SAHM (which you want to be?) does not mean that money is all his or his decision to do what with.

  QFT

  
  
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• JCbride2015 member

  

  September 2014

  STARMOON44 said:

  Wait- so right now you have no money except what you make crafting and you live at home (with your parents?) and you're relying on your FI's account to make any online purchases? Do you even have children together that you are taking care of? Grow up, get a job, open a bank account and figure out how to be an independent adult before you get married. Sure, he's treating you like a child. And you are acting like one.

  QFT. Fi is being extremely controlling. Get a bank account. Do you even have kids yet?
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• holyguacamole79 member

  

  September 2014

  I could *MAYBE* see his point if you were spending your money on something he had a moral objection with (i.e. if you were using it to feed a drug habit or if it paid for your membership fee for an online dating account). 
  
  But it sounds like you aren't.  This is controlling behavior and it WILL come back to bite you in the ass.  You need to work this through before you get married.
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Report4 Reply
• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  September 2014

  STARMOON44 said:

  Wait- so right now you have no money except what you make crafting and you live at home (with your parents?) and you're relying on your FI's account to make any online purchases? Do you even have children together that you are taking care of? Grow up, get a job, open a bank account and figure out how to be an independent adult before you get married. Sure, he's treating you like a child. And you are acting like one.

  QFT.

  ---

  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• bwy member

  

  September 2014

  STARMOON44 said:

  Wait- so right now you have no money except what you make crafting and you live at home (with your parents?) and you're relying on your FI's account to make any online purchases? Do you even have children together that you are taking care of? Grow up, get a job, open a bank account and figure out how to be an independent adult before you get married. Sure, he's treating you like a child. And you are acting like one.

  Because I live at home I'm acting like a child?  Also no we don't have children yet. But we both want for me to stay home with the kids if that's what we're able to do. 

  
  

  
  

  CaitTDid23 said:

  bc+rw16 said:

  steph11814 said:

  larrygaga said:

  OH. 

  
  

  Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

  I completely agree, and that's part of why I think OP needs to get a bank account now. If his controlling nature doesn't improve (and I'd be seriously worried that it won't), OP's going to need to manage all of her finances by herself.

  He's not controlling about everything to do with money, it's only things he doesn't like. 

  Yeah... this. This is my issue. I don't necessarily like FI spending $15/month on an MMO. He probably doesn't like the amount of money I drop on books or coffee. But it is our money to do with as we so please. We are able to do it. 

  
  

  Maybe he is resenting the fact that all of your money is "fun" money, but still. He doesn't get to say how you spend your money that you earned. If he wants you to be a stay at home mom and is okay taking up the bills on his own, and you earn a little on the side for "fun" things, then he doesn't get to say how you spend that money.

  I feel like maybe he does resent it a little, but right now he has quite a bit of money for fun money and he decided to save it, which is his choice to do with his money. We're both living at home until he leaves for basic in November, and then when I can join him after his training I will. 

  
  

  
  

  I will get my own bank account, and talk to him about counseling, though I think he may think we don't need it, and I'm not sure we do either, I think if I bring it up we'll  be able to talk through it

  Report0 Reply
• jynxiie member

  

  September 2014

  This just screams controlling and a little abusive to me. IMO.

  

  
  

  
  

  Report2 Reply
• STARMOON44 member

  

  September 2014

  I just don't think not really working now because someday you'll have kids to take care of and relying on a man you're not married to for support while you're living at home with your parents is in any way an adult choice. At all.

  Report50 Reply
• doeydo member

  

  September 2014

  jynxiie said:

  This just screams controlling and a little abusive to me. IMO.

  Yeah, I am scared for your future, OP.  Please get counselling, even if you don't tihnk you need it, what is the harm?

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• bwy member

  

  September 2014

  jynxiie said:

  This just screams controlling and a little abusive to me. IMO.

  He's really not abusive. He treats me really well, we really don't have that many issues this is just a small one. 

  Report0 Reply
• bwy member

  

  September 2014

  doeydo said:

  jynxiie said:

  This just screams controlling and a little abusive to me. IMO.

  Yeah, I am scared for your future, OP.  Please get counselling, even if you don't tihnk you need it, what is the harm?

  I guess you're right, it could probably help. 

  Report0 Reply
• steph861 member

  

  September 2014

  bc+rw16 said:

  STARMOON44 said:

  Wait- so right now you have no money except what you make crafting and you live at home (with your parents?) and you're relying on your FI's account to make any online purchases? Do you even have children together that you are taking care of? Grow up, get a job, open a bank account and figure out how to be an independent adult before you get married. Sure, he's treating you like a child. And you are acting like one.

  Because I live at home I'm acting like a child?  Also no we don't have children yet. But we both want for me to stay home with the kids if that's what we're able to do. 

  
  

  
  

  CaitTDid23 said:

  bc+rw16 said:

  steph11814 said:

  larrygaga said:

  OH. 

  
  

  Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

  I completely agree, and that's part of why I think OP needs to get a bank account now. If his controlling nature doesn't improve (and I'd be seriously worried that it won't), OP's going to need to manage all of her finances by herself.

  He's not controlling about everything to do with money, it's only things he doesn't like. 

  Yeah... this. This is my issue. I don't necessarily like FI spending $15/month on an MMO. He probably doesn't like the amount of money I drop on books or coffee. But it is our money to do with as we so please. We are able to do it. 

  
  

  Maybe he is resenting the fact that all of your money is "fun" money, but still. He doesn't get to say how you spend your money that you earned. If he wants you to be a stay at home mom and is okay taking up the bills on his own, and you earn a little on the side for "fun" things, then he doesn't get to say how you spend that money.

  I feel like maybe he does resent it a little, but right now he has quite a bit of money for fun money and he decided to save it, which is his choice to do with his money. We're both living at home until he leaves for basic in November, and then when I can join him after his training I will. 

  
  

  
  

  I will get my own bank account, and talk to him about counseling, though I think he may think we don't need it, and I'm not sure we do either, I think if I bring it up we'll  be able to talk through it

  Am I the only one that cringed while reading this?

  
  

  OP, if you're having arguments over it, that qualifies as "bringing it up." And he hasn't changed.

  
  
  
  
  

  Report2 Reply
• holyguacamole79 member

  

  September 2014

  bc+rw16 said:

  
  

  jynxiie said:

  
  

  This just screams controlling and a little abusive to me. IMO.

  
  

  He's really not abusive. He treats me really well, we really don't have that many issues this is just a small one. 
  
  No, that's not a small problem. It's a big one.

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Report7 Reply
• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  September 2014

  Ok wait he's in the service and you have no idea how to make it on your own if/when he's deployed or God forbid the unthinkable happens?! PLEASE work on being independent before you enter this partnership. Get a job, even if you don't spend any of the money. Better yet, get some bills in your name. You need to know how to adult and have practice at it even if you don't intend to keep working.

  ---

  
  

  
  

  Report27 Reply
• holyguacamole79 member

  

  September 2014

  I'm curious, OP ... how old are you?

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Report1 Reply
• bwy member

  

  September 2014

  I'm 19. 

  Report0 Reply
• slothiegal member

  

  September 2014

  Yikes.

  bc+rw16 said:

  jynxiie said:

  This just screams controlling and a little abusive to me. IMO.

  He's really not abusive. He treats me really well, we really don't have that many issues this is just a small one. 

  Yeah, no, this is not "just a small one".  Money is a HUGE factor in why many couples fail.

  

  
  

  
  

  Report5 Reply
• STARMOON44 member

  

  September 2014

  bc+rw16 said:

  I'm 19. 

  Of course you are.

  Report6 Reply
• slothiegal member

  

  September 2014

  bc+rw16 said:

  I'm 19. 

  Ah.

  

  
  

  
  

  Report7 Reply
• BrandNewJ member

  

  September 2014

  I absolutely agree with all PPs. Do either of you pay for real life expenses? What's going to happen when he doesn't believe the heater should be turned on if it's freezing snowing outside? What if he doesn't think you future baby needs another blanket or a new bottle? Why is a future child the discussion you guys are having versus how to live? What if you both can't have a child for whatever reason? I have about a million other questions, but others nailed it. It's a HUGE red flag that he controls YOUR money. Please have some real conversations with him first before making a life long commitment. Good luck.

  

  Report5 Reply
• holyguacamole79 member

  

  September 2014

  bc+rw16 said:

  I'm 19. 

  Yeahhhhhh, I would STRONGLY encourage you get counseling or wait to get married. I know it's exciting, but you need to get a better head on your shoulders.

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Report5 Reply
• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  September 2014

  Oh dear. Can you put your parents on here so I can curse them out? They have not prepared you very well for this at all.

  ---

  
  

  
  

  Report20 Reply
• JCbride2015 member

  

  September 2014

  Living at home is pretty normal for 19.  But if you're about to get MARRIED, that's an adult choice and I think it's incredibly important to start living like an adult before you enter that partnership.  Independence is paramount before you get married.  Are you in school?  Do you have career goals?  What do you do all day?  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

  Report11 Reply
• Viczaesar member

  

  September 2014

  There are so many red flags here.  You are engaged, live with your parents, have no job and only make $20 every once in a while, and have no bank account?  This sounds like a 13 year old's life, not a 19 year old engaged woman's life.  How do you support yourself?  If your FI is supporting you financially then yes, I think he should have a say in how you spend the "fun" money you make.  The two of you should work together to come up with a budget that accounts for some fun money for both of you but also a fair division of costs.  If he's not supporting you at all then get your own bank account and spend your money how you please.  Why don't you have a job?
  

  
  
  
  

  Report7 Reply
• penguin44 member

  

  September 2014

  BrandNewJ said:

  I absolutely agree with all PPs. Do either of you pay for real life expenses? What's going to happen when he doesn't believe the heater should be turned on if it's freezing snowing outside? What if he doesn't think you future baby needs another blanket or a new bottle? Why is a future child the discussion you guys are having versus how to live? What if you both can't have a child for whatever reason? I have about a million other questions, but others nailed it. It's a HUGE red flag that he controls YOUR money. Please have some real conversations with him first before making a life long commitment. Good luck.

  
  

  SITB:

  This!

  
  

  Why are you talking about future children and not what your life will be like when you move out of your parents houses? What if you don't make any money on the side? Will you be allowed to buy anything for yourself that he doesn't approve of? How will both of you budget your money each month? I can't even wrap my head around this. I have so many other questions...

  

  
  

  
  

  Report3 Reply
• chibiyui member

  

  September 2014

  Do you have any employment history? At the very least, you should look into getting a part time job. You don't want to be in a position where you're 30 looking for work to make ends meet and you have no work experience at all.
  
  There's nothing wrong with being a state at home mom. I am planning on quitting my job in a few months to focus on independent projects and will stay at home with the kids once we have them. But my H and I decided that together, and we have set fun money budgets for us as individuals that we decided on together.
  
  You also at the very least need a joint account. You can't provide for your kids if he has to be present any time money is required. What happens if there is a medical emergency when he's deployed? Groceries?

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

  Report8 Reply
• jackannlu member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  Financial issues are one of the common reasons for divorce. If you are already arguing over $15 and buying a coffee at Starbucks every once in a while, I'd say the chances are good you will end up arguing over money in the future, like when expenses increase due to having children. Its pretty important you tackle this topic before you get married. Even if you decide to be a stay at home wife/mom, that doesn't mean you don't have a say in the finances. 

  
  

  My advice to you is to open your own account. There is no reason why an adult shouldn't have a bank account, I'm actually pretty shocked you don't have one from before you were a couple.

  Report3 Reply
• jynxiie member

  

  September 2014

  How old is your fiance? 

  

  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• MyNameIsNot member

  

  September 2014

  This has disaster written all over it.  You're getting married at 19, with no job, coming right out of your parents' house, and expecting your FI to support you?  And now he's controlling the $20 you earn every now and then?  Of course this is going to be a train wreck.

  
  

  You need to get a job and live an adult life before you even think about getting married.  Your life sounds like mine at 13.  Except that I earned more than that babysitting.    

  Report10 Reply
• emanon321 member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  This sounds too too much like the beginning my cousin's marriage. He was such a charmer! Then they got married and things started to change. It started out as little things, like your coffee, and now he controls her life. She has no friends anymore. (He didn't like them or her going out) And now she is only allowed to spend time with family, she has to call him while she's out every once in a while, she can't stay out too late, and if he says come home she out the door in the blink of an eye. She has no money of her own, no job experience, no education, and no credit. She depends on him for everything. And she's in it until death do they part. No matter what it seems.Which makes my family so sad.

  
  

  Seriously, something like this is such a red flag! It may not snowball for you like it did for my cousin, but it's better to be safe and sure than the alternative!

  Report0 Reply