FI and money -vent-

JCbride2015 · September 2014

bc+rw16 said:

We've been together for 10 months

Uh, nope, I take back that nothing could change my mind. I guess I should have said that even a long relationship wouldn't make me feel better. But 10 months, really?

You are 19. You've been with this young man for less than a year. You don't support yourself. You don't have a job or bank account. You are not in school. Your Fi is already controlling the little bit of money you are able to earn. After only ten months together. This might get a lot worse with time-- or heck, more time might mean he's able to work on it and your relationship will improve. But you can't know that right now.

OP, you need to start supporting yourself and living life as an adult. You aren't doing that right now. Heck, stay living with your parents but at least enroll in college or take a job and save your money. Have a long engagement. You can handle six months apart at a time. Lots of couples do that.

Nobody is telling you to break up with him. But please don't rush into marriage when you are so obviously not ready. If this relationship is going to have any chance of being successful, you need to mature a bit before marriage. IMO getting married so young, before you're independent, is just shooting your relationship in the foot.

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

Please, please, please wait. If your relationship is meant to be, you'll only strengthen it by establishing yourselves and maturing as independent adults before you merge into a partnership. I promise.

steph861 · September 2014

Honestly, with the information you've provided since your OP, the money issue isn't even the main issue. It's the lack of independence that is concerning here.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

penguin44 said:

I'm not even thinking about your age. I'm still stuck on the fact that you quit your job because you didn't like it and didn't feel like getting another job. Don't you like buying yourself things? I would not be allowed to live with my parents as an adult without going to school or having a job. Even as a teenager I enjoyed having my own money to spend on clothes and seeing friends.

QFT. This is not an adult decision.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

bc+rw16 said:

We've been together for 10 months

Um, whoa. Granted, my husband and I got engaged after 3 months of dating and had an 8 month engagement. BUT, he and I are both financially self-sufficient. I have owned a home for 8 years, and both of us have steady jobs. We were also 33 and 36 when we married.

OP, you have nothing but time. Seriously. Wait a bit. See how you two fare while he is deployed. At least be able to legally drink champagne at your own wedding reception.

jackannlu · September 2014

bc+rw16 said:

emanon321 said:

bc+rw16 said:

We've been together for 10 months

And your parents are fine with it?

I now have a question. Do you two live together with your parents? Or do you each live with your own parents?

Um we kind of shuttle back and forth between houses. My parents are really happy, they hope that we'll be as happy as they are. They met when my mom was 18 and they've been together ever since.

I don't think anyone is saying that two young people can't fall in love and be perfectly happy together forever. But one thing is falling in love young and letting the relationship progress naturally, and the other is falling in love and then rushing into marriage to avoid long distance, while already fighting about financial issues.

lurkergirl · September 2014

bc+rw16 said:

sarahbear31 said:

Why are the two of you in such a rush to get married??

Because he joined the army and it's the only way I can be with him. He gets 2 weeks home at Christmas, and that's the only time I'll be able to see him in between his 6 months of training.
EDIT: I thought that it was going to be at least two to four years before we were going to get married, but he joined the army and so we're getting married now. We were going to get married anyways, so it's not like we decided to get married because of the army.

You're literally saying two different things.

Ditto every single other poster.

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

jackannlu said:

bc+rw16 said:

We've been together for 10 months

Now I DEFINITELY think you are rushing into things. I would try long distance before you get married. Get a job, establish yourself, and then evaluate things after his training ends. You are too young to rush into marriage.

Yeah, 10 months feels like an eternity at 19 but it really, really isn't. I mean, FI and I haven't been together much longer than that, but we're considerably older. At 19, even if I'd been with a guy as long as JCBride, my parents would have shot him and then me. The dude I was dating at 19, I thought I'd marry. That dude is now living in Houston and we talk maybe once every two weeks or so.

Take some time. Go through basic training. Get out, get another job. Deal with a dickhead boss. We all have them at some point. Some of us STILL have them. Deal with working at Christmas; most retail stores are closed ON Christmas. I know that not seeing him for 6 months and then losing time because you have to work will suck, but such is life.

And DEFINITELY figure out the finances thing. Get out and support yourself for a while.

And my personal opinion, which you can ignore but I really don't think you should completely discount: He doesn't sound like he wants a stay at home mom for a wife. He sounds more like he wants a woman who cooks, cleans, plays with the snake when he's there, pops out babies, never leaves the house, never thinks for herself, and never does anything to make herself better. He needs to get his shit together and realize that the word "wife" is not synonymous with the word "slave".

Edited because holy shit I sounded judgier than intended in that last paragraph but seriously, if he's bitching over Starbucks and $15 every once in a while WHILE saying he wants a stay at home mom, that's what I see.

beethery · September 2014

JCbride2015 said:

larrygaga said:

GO TO COLLEGE

Wait. I can do one better than this and channel Beethery.

GO TO COLLEGE

Pope Beethery approves and agrees. Carry on.

CMGragain · September 2014

OP, please do not use marriage as a way to see your FI. You are both way too young.
If the two of your are meant to be together, then it will be doable four years from now. Meanwhile, you can work on yourself. Get some education. Go to a junior college. Get job skills and experience. You will be a better wife and partner for him if you do this.
My DH and I met when we were 15. We dated for a few years, but separated when we went to different colleges. I really didn't want to see him anymore.
He never gave up. After seven years apart, having other relationships, getting my college degree and some job experience, we got back together, and decided to marry. We were both 25. We have been happily married for 38 years.
If your relationship is meant to be, then it won't hurt to wait and give yourself time to grow.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

I was hoping you'd chime in, @cmgragain

sarahufl · September 2014

bc+rw16 said:

As for the why don't I have a job question... I did have a job for a year, but my boss made me feel uncomfortable and so I quit, and then after that I wasn't really ready to grow up and so I just didn't really look for another job, and then this Army thing came up, and I intend to look for a job after FI and I get married in December but I'm worried about not being able to get the full two weeks off for Christmas, especially if I'm working a minimum wage placeholder job, so I decided to wait until then to get one.
Also, when I had a job I had my own bank account, I paid for my own everything, and I split with FI for dinners and fun stuff together. All this is really happening quick but it's what I want, I guess I just need to adjust to it better

Not ready to grow up, but you are getting married?! You need to think this through. Marriage is a big, adult decision. This conversation baffles me.

LadyMillil · September 2014

bc+rw16 said:

emanon321 said:

bc+rw16 said:

We've been together for 10 months

And your parents are fine with it?

I now have a question. Do you two live together with your parents? Or do you each live with your own parents?

Um we kind of shuttle back and forth between houses. My parents are really happy, they hope that we'll be as happy as they are. They met when my mom was 18 and they've been together ever since.

I hate when people use "my parents/grandparents/aunt/etc got married young and they're happy" as a reason for getting married young. Are you exactly the same people in exactly the same situation? Just because it worked out for some couples doesn't mean it works out for every couple. There are so many factors that make a relationship successful and happy. The fact that another couple with some similarities made it work has exactly zero impact on your relationship working.

Apply that logic. DH got married at 29. So did a friend of his. The friend was divorced at 30. Does that mean DH will be divorced at 30 as well? NOPE. Different people. Different relationships.

ashley8918 · September 2014

WHOA FUCKING WHOA. When I first read the OP, I read it as you already having kids and being a stay at home mom. But clearly, this is not the case. So, let me get this straight:

-You are a stay at home... not-mom (WHY?)

-You are a teenager (LAWD JESUS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?)

-You quit a job with no other job and then decided not to get another one?

-You don't see your FI's controlling behavior as abusive (You are wrong. Just saying.)

-You arent ready to grow up?

-YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED? NOW? (STAHP IT!)

-You are getting married because FI is joining the army? (This is not a fucking reason to get married! Holy shit!)

-Your parents still support you financially? (If you live with them, they do. FI doesn't.)

Did I miss anything?

What the hell are you doing?!

ETA:

beethery · September 2014

You need to do something good for yourself. I suggest getting a bank account without a minimum balance, getting a job, and getting yourself into college. Y'all don't need to get married so that you'll have convenient proximity and he can blow up about you spending $20 of your own money on something that isn't for him.

That shit is fucking gross.

sarahufl · September 2014

I just have to step in and say that I don't think going to college is always the right answer for everyone. It may very well not be for you.

But you do need to DO SOMETHING with your life. Learn a trade, get an internship in a field you think may interest you, get a job at the mall just to earn some extra cash while you figure things out.

It isn't healthy (or prudent) to completely rely on another person for everything. I am 31 and just got married. I had an entire life before I met H- I supported myself, put myself through grad school, moved to NYC alone, dated.

God help me if I had married the guy I was dating when I was 19. My parents are still married (met at 14, married at 20, just celebrated 40 years of marriage). But they were on their own and took care of themselves before getting married. Young marriages do work out, but your situation has ALL KINDS of red flags. I mean, BIG ones.

What happens to you if (god forbid) something were to happen to your FI? You would have no money, no skills, no way to take care of yourself? Is this how you want to live?

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

My college roommate got married at 22. She went from living with her parents, to living at college, to living with her husband. Five years later, they divorced. At 27 was the first time that she ever paid bills and managed a household for herself. I remember her saying to me that she had no idea what she was doing.

OP, learn how to be self-sufficient. If this man is right for you, you will have all the time in the world.

ashley8918 · September 2014

sarahbear31 said:

My college roommate got married at 22. She went from living with her parents, to living at college, to living with her husband. Five years later, they divorced. At 27 was the first time that she ever paid bills and managed a household for herself. I remember her saying to me that she had no idea what she was doing.

OP, learn how to be self-sufficient. If this man is right for you, you will have all the time in the world.

Yes. Please, PLEASE do this.

But also, being self-sufficient does not automatically equal being ready for marriage. There are other things to think about before you jump into this. I was 18 when I first got married, and I was pretty damned self-sufficient. I group up with a barely-there mom, and an absentee dad. For as far as I remeber, I essentially ran the household and raised my sister. My mom contributed financially, but it was minimal. And she contributed in literally no other way. As a result, I got a job at 14 to supplement her financial contribution. I managed the money, paid the rent, paid the bills, bought the groceries etc. When I was 17, I graduated high school and left. I offered to take my then 15 year-old sister with me, but she chose to stay and take over.

So, i'd say I got a jump start on self-sufficient. But that in no way made me ready for marriage. My ex was an abusive, manipulative d-bag (like yours, though you clearly cant/don't want to see it). I should have recognized that about him and run far away. Bu I didn't, because I simply was not ready and couldn't see that a miserable life or divorce were the only possible outcomes.

moutonrouge · September 2014

I think you're making some really big life choices based on your Fi going into the army. You're going to get married this December because of it. You're not going to get a new job because of it. I don't see a lot of you making life choices because of your wants/needs.

Maybe your current wants are just for someone to provide for you and to make crafts. That's okay, and at 19 that would've been my dream, too. But look a few years ahead - do you think this life will always be satisfying? are you possibly eliminating other options due to these choices?

At 19, I am personally of the opinion that you should make every effort to keep your options open while you basically figure out what you want/need in life. It can be scary to keep your options open, but while your parents are still willing to support you, I think this is the best time for it. Because if you go down the path of getting married and being a SAHW, you start closing off options.

If you don't want to go to college (not everyone should), you should think about career options, or volunteer or join local groups.

And open a freaking bank account. Take your next $20, find the nearest bank branch with free checking (or even a credit union), and open an account. At least until you can legally be added to your Fi accounts.

bethsmiles · September 2014

LadyMillil said:

bc+rw16 said:

emanon321 said:

bc+rw16 said:

We've been together for 10 months

And your parents are fine with it?

I now have a question. Do you two live together with your parents? Or do you each live with your own parents?

Um we kind of shuttle back and forth between houses. My parents are really happy, they hope that we'll be as happy as they are. They met when my mom was 18 and they've been together ever since.

I hate when people use "my parents/grandparents/aunt/etc got married young and they're happy" as a reason for getting married young. Are you exactly the same people in exactly the same situation? Just because it worked out for some couples doesn't mean it works out for every couple. There are so many factors that make a relationship successful and happy. The fact that another couple with some similarities made it work has exactly zero impact on your relationship working.

Apply that logic. DH got married at 29. So did a friend of his. The friend was divorced at 30. Does that mean DH will be divorced at 30 as well? NOPE. Different people. Different relationships.

My SO's parents got married young and are very happy but they tell people all the time how hard their first years of married life were and that they wish they would've waited. They would never encourage anyone to do it the way they did. Even if it worked out it doesn't mean it was a good idea.

OP - there is just so much wrong with your posts. I teach at a university and 90% of my class is 19. I rarely, rarely see anyone that age where I think they are mature enough for marriage and to be honest, most of them still seem more mature than you at this point. You quit a job just because you didn't like the boss? Welcome to the real world honey! You've got a lot of shit you need to figure out before getting married, especially when your FI is going into the military because that just adds a whole other level of stress to deal with.

I've been with my SO since we were 18. We talked marriage because we were young and in love but I can't tell you how glad I am we waited (and we've done a lot of long distance in that time). I have a master's degree, SO has his bachelors and is looking at PhD programs. We have jobs, money, responsibilities - we are adults now and ready to make the adult decision to get married that we thought we were ready to make at 19 but we so, so wrong.

Also, like a PP pointed out, since neither of you live on your own and support yourselves neither of you are the bread-winner - your parents (the adults) are.

climbingsingle · September 2014

Ay yi yi.

Op, go to college. Learn how to be a self sufficient person. Move out. Be independent. And THEN get married. You have a lot of growing up to do.

When I was 19, I was working full time and going to college full time. And my parents STILL made me pay rent. And I'm so glad they did.

manateehugger · September 2014

1. When I was 19, I knew I was going to marry my boyfriend. Over five years after that, I married that man.

2. That man was an ROTC cadet who is now an active duty Army officer.

3. That man got deployed while we were together.

4. We spent about three years of those fiveish years as a long distance couple.

5. We were long distance because it was important for me to finish my education, have time to grow up, figure out what I want in life (in addition to my now husband), and gather some self-sufficiency. I wanted to be a good partner; part of being a good partner is being a good adult who knows what he or she is looking for out of life. It's hard to know what you're looking for at 19 because you don't know a whole lot about what options there are out there.

6. Let me tell you, the long distance and deployments FUCKING BLOW. I wont sugar coat. It sucks big time. BUT if you can make it through it successfully, it teaches you important life lessons about strong communication, being a faithful partner, learning to balance your relationship with everything else, and just being really certain that you'd really just like to sit around doing nothing your person as long as you're sitting next to them.

7. I wouldn't trade those shitty three years for the world. My marriage is stronger and happier for it. We might have stayed together if we married when I was 19, but we sure as hell wouldn't have been happy.

8. If we had $100 for every time one of H's Soldiers has a story like yours - has a very young wife who suddenly finds herself divorced without work experience, education, health insurance, housing, financial management skills, or how to live like everyone else who doesn't live on a military installation - we'd have a shit ton of money. PLEASE, for your own sake, explore something you find interesting. If you're crafty, pick up a part time job at a craft store and then take some art classes at a community college. Find meaning in yourself first before you look for it in a relationship. Don't become an Army (ex) wife stereotype. The divorce rate in the military is depressingly high, and it's due to young people with unrealistic views of military life as much as it is due to moves and deployments.

9. Use the resources available to you. Have him call a chaplain and ask for counseling recommendations, see if he can find counseling through Military One Source, explore this website (http://armymarriageproject.com/resources.htm/) and this one containing questions you should ask yourselves NOW (CLICK).

ETA: Also, if your FI is 20 and enlisted, he's not making a whole lot of money. Sure, your housing and health insurance are taken care of, but if you two will be in for a rough penny-pinching time if you aren't planning on working (your BAS will probably not cover household and food expenses). Do some pay calculations (CLICK) Odds are, you can't afford NOT to work and have basic "luxuries" nor can you afford to start popping out kids.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

@Manateehugger I was hoping you would weigh in on this. +10000000000

levioosa · September 2014

Oh man, so many red flags.

To read that you quit a job because you didn't want to grow up? AND THEN YOU GOT ENGAGED. WTF. That's not how becoming an adult works at all. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Being an adult is work. Being self-sufficient is work. Growing up sucks. It means you have to pay bills, that you have to budget, that you have to plan ahead (really plan ahead--not just the generic, "it will be awesome to stay home with my babies!).

Growing up is also awesome. The more self-sufficient you are, the more confident you are. There is strength in growing up, in being responsible, in planning ahead wisely. It's even better when you are met there by someone who also has had time to mature and become independent.

Your FI is honestly giving you some huge red flags. Some of this is perhaps due to his age and immaturity (I hope so, or else this will become an abusive relationship). You are both young. Neither of you are self-sufficient or independent. You are using the army as a crutch and as an excuse to rush this. It's terrifying, I know. But in all seriousness, long distance relationships are okay and can be great. They can give you an opportunity to learn so much more about your partner. Don't rush and cripple yourselves for what *could* be a potentially great marriage somewhere down the road.

FWIW, I thought I had the world figured out at 19, and if it had been prudent, I would have married my then bf in a heartbeat. I am so so so glad I didn't. I am a much different (and happier) person than I was at 19.

You need a job. You need your own bank account. You need to be self-sufficient and prove to yourself that you can be before you get married. It won't be easy, but I promise you, you won't regret waiting and growing emotionally and financially before you get married. Your FI should be encouraging this, not slamming you for the $5 you spend on a coffee.

manateehugger · September 2014

JCbride2015 said:

@Manateehugger I was hoping you would weigh in on this. +10000000000

Oh man, I can't help but run my mouth in threads like these.

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Ay yi yi. Op, go to college. Learn how to be a self sufficient person. Move out. Be independent. And THEN get married. You have a lot of growing up to do. When I was 19, I was working full time and going to college full time. And my parents STILL made me pay rent. And I'm so glad they did.

Yup. When I was 19, was living on my own and paying rent. I was attending college, and paying for it myself via working 3 low-paying jobs, plus student loans, grants and scholarships I applied for on my own. I had researched and contracted insurance for my car and my belongings, a cell phone, a house phone, cable, internet, and a credit card, and paid the bills myself from my own account. I traveled to Paris and London with a group of students, and Miami and Virginia Beach on my own.

I thought I was going to marry the boy I'd been in love with since we were 8, and talking marriage with since we were 16. He had joined the Air Force, and I was sure that as soon as I graduated, we'd get married. I had picked a career path where I'd have no problem quitting to have kids and going back eventually. But... that didn't happen. By 21 we had both changed so much that it wasn't even a remote possibility. We haven't spoken in years.

I'm now 31, and just got married 10 days ago. H and I both have good financial heads on our shoulders, good jobs, great friendships and hobbies outside of our relationship, because those years and life experiences shaped us as individuals and gave us the foundation we needed for a great marriage.

If he were to get transferred for work and be gone for 6 months or a year like you're talking about, I have no doubt we'd be ok. If you had a relationship and maturity level solid enough for marriage, being separated wouldn't scare you so much. And you certainly wouldn't be fighting over $20.

beethery · September 2014

My stomach just flipped when I thought about marrying any of the guys I dated when I was 19. One in particular is the lamest motherfucker in all the land.

jkhsdbfkjsbfgkjhbgkjhbfdg I could've stuck myself with that. GROSS.

ShesSoCold · September 2014

beethery said:

My stomach just flipped when I thought about marrying any of the guys I dated when I was 19. One in particular is the lamest motherfucker in all the land.

jkhsdbfkjsbfgkjhbgkjhbfdg I could've stuck myself with that. GROSS.

When I was 19 (I might have been 18...), my then boyfriend half-assed proposed to me. I told him he couldn't afford to marry me.

OP, I can't add anything to what's previously been said, but please, PLEASE, for the love of god wait and really do some evaluating on what YOU want. What you want out of life in general and what YOU want out of this relationship.

ashley8918 · September 2014

One other thing, How could you possibly know that you want to be a SAHM when you don't have any kids? When I was pregnant with my son, I thought I might be a SAHM (but I did not quit my job yet. That wouldn't be wise). But guess, what? He was born, and I said "FUCK THAT." I love my kids to death, but I am just not cut out for that kind of life. I would have lost my mind. But I had no idea until I was actually a mom.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

manateehugger said:

JCbride2015 said:

@Manateehugger I was hoping you would weigh in on this. +10000000000

Oh man, I can't help but run my mouth in threads like these.

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