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Bar related question

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Re: Bar related question

  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    Fourth Anniversary 1000 Comments First Answer 500 Love Its
    notdoingitbythebook said:

    TrixieJess said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    lyndausvi said:

    flbride2015 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:




    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???

    I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?

    The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  

    Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 


    ---------- PRETEND I'M A BOX ------------------------------------------




    I'm the same way.  I learned it from my family.   My grandma who lived on SS always offered food and drinks as soon as a walked in the door.     To allow her to host, my cousins and me would give her beer, gin and whiskey has christmas gifts.    All my extended family does the same thing.  DH's side (different part of the country) does the same.  


    My parents have a kick-ass liquor cabinet.  My dad doesn't really drink.  Maybe a beer once in a while.  Mom drinks Jack and Coke sometimes, but not often. 

    People know not to bring food to my house when we are hosting.  We do not bring food to homes we were invited to either.  We will bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift.  But it's NOT expected to be opened while we are there.       DH sometimes brings Grey Goose, but that is mostly last minute get togethers.  For the most part our friends keep it in stock for DH.
    So you go to a house expecting them to stock a favourite drink? How is that not rude and entitled but friends contributing beverage or food is? Mind boggling. 

    ---------uggBOXES----------


    I as a hostess try and find out what my friends drink and keep it on hand. The same goes for when we go to other people's houses. FI is vegan, we often get asked for what he can and cannot have, that is being a proper host.

    You are micromanaging. If YOU have issues with alcohol, maybe you should discuss this with someone. Your deep dislike for people who drink and drink to excess scream "child of alcoholic". What if your FI gets drunk on your wedding night? How are you going to manage that? Or is he one of the people you will be "watching like a hawk?"

    ETA: stupid boxes




    I'm a vegetarian, I never expect a host to cater just to me. I always offer to bring something to contribute because most people in our circles are not vegetarian. I don't think it's fair to make someone who is not vegetarian cook something just for me when the remainder of the group is not. I think it would be rude to show up at a person's house and demand they feed me something special that's off menu.

    He knows to not get stupid drunk at our wedding, We all watch out for each other. Not sure how watching my guests and making sure they don't drink and drive is micromanaging, but alrighty. You guys sure like to live in boxes that no one else can even remotely change.

    Then you are not friends with grown-ups. I have had friends who are vegans, vegetarians, celiacs, Jewish, etc. I have catered to all of their dietary needs as a hostess, it's what you do as a GOOD HOST. Just because you and your friends were not brought up to host people properly in your homes does not mean that it's not proper. We are letting you know that it is incorrect for you to not host your guests properly. 

    You seem very young, the more you post, the younger you seem. You also talk about how that's not the way that it's done where I am. Maybe you should explore the world a little more and get out of your circle and see how things are done by other people in other situations. Your little corner of the world doesn't seem very worldly.

    ETA: You have a Smart Serve certificate, good for you. So do I, I can guarantee that mine is older than you are. I've been bartending since 1995. I've worked in Bars since then too and seen stuff you can only imagine. BTW, since anyone can get their Smart Serve online, it's not a great feat. I had to spend two days doing a class and a written test since I did it in the days before the internet.



    Bully for your for bartending since 1995 and seeing all kinds of things that I am fairly sure that I have seen as well. Want a cookie for being so special? I did it in Culinary School, also long before the internet... so again want a cookie?

    I learned hosting from my family and from trained service people. I know how to host. I just host differently from you do, but I guarantee my guests are hosted very well. We just don't have our noses in the air expecting superficial nonsense.

    I cater to my friends who have dietary restrictions because I can, but not everyone has that ability. I don't expect anyone to cater to my dietary restrictions because that's self-centered and rude, particurlarly if they do not have experience with vegetarian cuisine. Since I have the training and knowledge, I offer to help them out. If they don't want the help, I don't do anything other than show up. Most of the time they do want the help, and I gladly help them out. Why wouldn't I? That's what friends and family do for each other, Help. Even when hosting.

    I'm not young, but thanks for the "compliment". Can I say that you sound like a stuck up snob who can't see beyond the tip of her nose and expects everyone to do everything in the exact manner that you do it else they be labeled uncouth, young and inexperienced? No, that would be rude.Funny how on an etiquette board you have no problem easily breaking one of the basic rules of etiquette. However, I've learned that etiquette on this board is subjective. All good.

    I'm sorry, I used the wrong word, I meant immature. I'm not a "snob". *snigger*

    You have come on here as a Speshul Snowflak espousing why you believe you are right and EVERYONE else is wrong. I'm glad that you know how to host people properly in your own home, now please extend that to your wedding and stop bitching about how you bowed to "convention". No one can make another person "do" anything and if they can, you have larger issues at hand.
    Report Reply
  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    Fourth Anniversary 1000 Comments First Answer 500 Love Its
    MagicInk said:

    Also I got drunk at my wedding. Really drunk. Dancing on the bar swigging from a bottle of Jack drunk. It was fucking awesome. 


    I don't think anyone else got as drunk as I did. But I know no one drove home drunk. Because I am friends with grown ups who even after drinking can get home safely. 
    I think you and I could be IRL friends. This was how I spent most of my twenties...so I've been told :) There are pictures.
    Report Reply
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5 Answers 500 Love Its
    edited May 2015
    notdoingitbythebook said:

    lyndausvi said:

    flbride2015 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:




    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???

    I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?

    The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  

    Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 


    ---------- PRETEND I'M A BOX ------------------------------------------




    I'm the same way.  I learned it from my family.   My grandma who lived on SS always offered food and drinks as soon as a walked in the door.     To allow her to host, my cousins and me would give her beer, gin and whiskey has christmas gifts.    All my extended family does the same thing.  DH's side (different part of the country) does the same.  


    My parents have a kick-ass liquor cabinet.  My dad doesn't really drink.  Maybe a beer once in a while.  Mom drinks Jack and Coke sometimes, but not often. 

    People know not to bring food to my house when we are hosting.  We do not bring food to homes we were invited to either.  We will bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift.  But it's NOT expected to be opened while we are there.       DH sometimes brings Grey Goose, but that is mostly last minute get togethers.  For the most part our friends keep it in stock for DH.


    So you go to a house expecting them to stock a favourite drink? How is that not rude and entitled but friends contributing beverage or food is? Mind boggling. 

    ---------------------------------------

    Where did I say it was expected?  I said my friends for the most part have Grey Goose on hand for my DH.  FACT.   We have Miller Lite in the house for a co-worker.  We have Jack Daniels in the house for my mom.  We have tequila in the house for other friends.  We have Pepsi in the house for my mom (she doesn't like coke). I do not even drink any of the above but I have them available in the house for my guests.   THAT IS BEING A GOOD HOST.

    I never go excepting my favorite stuff will be there but I'm very appreciated they are.  If my favorite item isn't there, NBD.  I will drink something else.  Since my friends like to host they on their own make sure my likes and the likes others are generally around. 

    I actually get offended if someone brings food to my home when I'm hosting.  But hosting I mean I've invited you to my home for dinner or even like a super bowl party.  I'm not talking about a bunch of friends wanting to get together and then decide to use my home as the location. 

    We always make sure the dietary restrictions of our friends are taken into consideration.  Our friends do also.   I do not like raw onions and pass on a dish at a friends house.  They next time I came to their house they had made a special dish for me minus the onions.  I didn't ask or expected them to do such a thing.   They completely did it on their own.   That is being a host.


    **** note DH is a chef.  Most of our friends are chefs and/or in the hospitality business.   Hosting is our blood.  Making sure our guests are happy is what we do.


    ETA - I should say my family is NOT in the hospitality industry.  I learned most of my hosting from them.    I do not buy the line "people do not have the ability to accommodate dietary restrictions.  That's fucking BS.     They might not make the most sophisticated vegan dish, but with a little thought the average person can indeed make a vegan dish.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Report Reply
  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2015
    TrixieJess said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    TrixieJess said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    lyndausvi said:

    flbride2015 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:




    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???

    I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?

    The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  

    Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 


    ---------- PRETEND I'M A BOX ------------------------------------------




    I'm the same way.  I learned it from my family.   My grandma who lived on SS always offered food and drinks as soon as a walked in the door.     To allow her to host, my cousins and me would give her beer, gin and whiskey has christmas gifts.    All my extended family does the same thing.  DH's side (different part of the country) does the same.  


    My parents have a kick-ass liquor cabinet.  My dad doesn't really drink.  Maybe a beer once in a while.  Mom drinks Jack and Coke sometimes, but not often. 

    People know not to bring food to my house when we are hosting.  We do not bring food to homes we were invited to either.  We will bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift.  But it's NOT expected to be opened while we are there.       DH sometimes brings Grey Goose, but that is mostly last minute get togethers.  For the most part our friends keep it in stock for DH.
    So you go to a house expecting them to stock a favourite drink? How is that not rude and entitled but friends contributing beverage or food is? Mind boggling. 

    ---------uggBOXES----------


    I as a hostess try and find out what my friends drink and keep it on hand. The same goes for when we go to other people's houses. FI is vegan, we often get asked for what he can and cannot have, that is being a proper host.

    You are micromanaging. If YOU have issues with alcohol, maybe you should discuss this with someone. Your deep dislike for people who drink and drink to excess scream "child of alcoholic". What if your FI gets drunk on your wedding night? How are you going to manage that? Or is he one of the people you will be "watching like a hawk?"

    ETA: stupid boxes




    I'm a vegetarian, I never expect a host to cater just to me. I always offer to bring something to contribute because most people in our circles are not vegetarian. I don't think it's fair to make someone who is not vegetarian cook something just for me when the remainder of the group is not. I think it would be rude to show up at a person's house and demand they feed me something special that's off menu.

    He knows to not get stupid drunk at our wedding, We all watch out for each other. Not sure how watching my guests and making sure they don't drink and drive is micromanaging, but alrighty. You guys sure like to live in boxes that no one else can even remotely change.

    Then you are not friends with grown-ups. I have had friends who are vegans, vegetarians, celiacs, Jewish, etc. I have catered to all of their dietary needs as a hostess, it's what you do as a GOOD HOST. Just because you and your friends were not brought up to host people properly in your homes does not mean that it's not proper. We are letting you know that it is incorrect for you to not host your guests properly. 

    You seem very young, the more you post, the younger you seem. You also talk about how that's not the way that it's done where I am. Maybe you should explore the world a little more and get out of your circle and see how things are done by other people in other situations. Your little corner of the world doesn't seem very worldly.

    ETA: You have a Smart Serve certificate, good for you. So do I, I can guarantee that mine is older than you are. I've been bartending since 1995. I've worked in Bars since then too and seen stuff you can only imagine. BTW, since anyone can get their Smart Serve online, it's not a great feat. I had to spend two days doing a class and a written test since I did it in the days before the internet.



    Bully for your for bartending since 1995 and seeing all kinds of things that I am fairly sure that I have seen as well. Want a cookie for being so special? I did it in Culinary School, also long before the internet... so again want a cookie?

    I learned hosting from my family and from trained service people. I know how to host. I just host differently from you do, but I guarantee my guests are hosted very well. We just don't have our noses in the air expecting superficial nonsense.

    I cater to my friends who have dietary restrictions because I can, but not everyone has that ability. I don't expect anyone to cater to my dietary restrictions because that's self-centered and rude, particurlarly if they do not have experience with vegetarian cuisine. Since I have the training and knowledge, I offer to help them out. If they don't want the help, I don't do anything other than show up. Most of the time they do want the help, and I gladly help them out. Why wouldn't I? That's what friends and family do for each other, Help. Even when hosting.

    I'm not young, but thanks for the "compliment". Can I say that you sound like a stuck up snob who can't see beyond the tip of her nose and expects everyone to do everything in the exact manner that you do it else they be labeled uncouth, young and inexperienced? No, that would be rude.Funny how on an etiquette board you have no problem easily breaking one of the basic rules of etiquette. However, I've learned that etiquette on this board is subjective. All good.

    I'm sorry, I used the wrong word, I meant immature. I'm not a "snob". *snigger*

    You have come on here as a Speshul Snowflak espousing why you believe you are right and EVERYONE else is wrong. I'm glad that you know how to host people properly in your own home, now please extend that to your wedding and stop bitching about how you bowed to "convention". No one can make another person "do" anything and if they can, you have larger issues at hand.




    I don't consider myself a speshul snowflakE, far from it. If you knew anything about me, you'd know that. But you don't. I'm a girl who is confounded by how the wedding industry expects weddings to be shoved into a box that doesn't fit everyone. Are there basic things that should happen at any event to make sure guests are comfortable and taken care of? Absolutely. Do they need to be exactly the same across the board? No. But the wedding industry and this site seem to think that if a wedding is not done in the exact same cookie cutter manner, then it's being done wrong. That's the problem I've got with this site and the wedding industry for the most part. I don't plan on being a Stepford Wife so I'm sure as hell not going to be a Stepford Bride which seems to be the only choice on this board. And yes, I'm still trying to figure out why I come here, though I will say it's a good way to pass time.

    It's funny how the "brides" here seem to have a problem with every single tiny issue that doesn't follow their exact template for a wedding, yet none of the professionals in the industry that I know consider any of this nonsense a big deal. Gee, I wonder who I'm going to listen to for "proper etiquette" advice. Hmmm...

    Report Reply
  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    onefootinthebayou said:

    TrixieJess said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    lyndausvi said:

    flbride2015 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:




    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???

    I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?

    The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  

    Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 


    ---------- PRETEND I'M A BOX ------------------------------------------




    I'm the same way.  I learned it from my family.   My grandma who lived on SS always offered food and drinks as soon as a walked in the door.     To allow her to host, my cousins and me would give her beer, gin and whiskey has christmas gifts.    All my extended family does the same thing.  DH's side (different part of the country) does the same.  


    My parents have a kick-ass liquor cabinet.  My dad doesn't really drink.  Maybe a beer once in a while.  Mom drinks Jack and Coke sometimes, but not often. 

    People know not to bring food to my house when we are hosting.  We do not bring food to homes we were invited to either.  We will bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift.  But it's NOT expected to be opened while we are there.       DH sometimes brings Grey Goose, but that is mostly last minute get togethers.  For the most part our friends keep it in stock for DH.
    So you go to a house expecting them to stock a favourite drink? How is that not rude and entitled but friends contributing beverage or food is? Mind boggling. 

    ---------uggBOXES----------


    I as a hostess try and find out what my friends drink and keep it on hand. The same goes for when we go to other people's houses. FI is vegan, we often get asked for what he can and cannot have, that is being a proper host.

    You are micromanaging. If YOU have issues with alcohol, maybe you should discuss this with someone. Your deep dislike for people who drink and drink to excess scream "child of alcoholic". What if your FI gets drunk on your wedding night? How are you going to manage that? Or is he one of the people you will be "watching like a hawk?"

    ETA: stupid boxes




    I'm a vegetarian, I never expect a host to cater just to me. I always offer to bring something to contribute because most people in our circles are not vegetarian. I don't think it's fair to make someone who is not vegetarian cook something just for me when the remainder of the group is not. I think it would be rude to show up at a person's house and demand they feed me something special that's off menu.

    He knows to not get stupid drunk at our wedding, We all watch out for each other. Not sure how watching my guests and making sure they don't drink and drive is micromanaging, but alrighty. You guys sure like to live in boxes that no one else can even remotely change.

    Then you are not friends with grown-ups. I have had friends who are vegans, vegetarians, celiacs, Jewish, etc. I have catered to all of their dietary needs as a hostess, it's what you do as a GOOD HOST. Just because you and your friends were not brought up to host people properly in your homes does not mean that it's not proper. We are letting you know that it is incorrect for you to not host your guests properly. 

    You seem very young, the more you post, the younger you seem. You also talk about how that's not the way that it's done where I am. Maybe you should explore the world a little more and get out of your circle and see how things are done by other people in other situations. Your little corner of the world doesn't seem very worldly.

    ETA: You have a Smart Serve certificate, good for you. So do I, I can guarantee that mine is older than you are. I've been bartending since 1995. I've worked in Bars since then too and seen stuff you can only imagine. BTW, since anyone can get their Smart Serve online, it's not a great feat. I had to spend two days doing a class and a written test since I did it in the days before the internet.



    Bully for your for bartending since 1995 and seeing all kinds of things that I am fairly sure that I have seen as well. Want a cookie for being so special? I did it in Culinary School, also long before the internet... so again want a cookie?

    I learned hosting from my family and from trained service people. I know how to host. I just host differently from you do, but I guarantee my guests are hosted very well. We just don't have our noses in the air expecting superficial nonsense.

    I cater to my friends who have dietary restrictions because I can, but not everyone has that ability. I don't expect anyone to cater to my dietary restrictions because that's self-centered and rude, particurlarly if they do not have experience with vegetarian cuisine. Since I have the training and knowledge, I offer to help them out. If they don't want the help, I don't do anything other than show up. Most of the time they do want the help, and I gladly help them out. Why wouldn't I? That's what friends and family do for each other, Help. Even when hosting.

    I'm not young, but thanks for the "compliment". Can I say that you sound like a stuck up snob who can't see beyond the tip of her nose and expects everyone to do everything in the exact manner that you do it else they be labeled uncouth, young and inexperienced? No, that would be rude.Funny how on an etiquette board you have no problem easily breaking one of the basic rules of etiquette. However, I've learned that etiquette on this board is subjective. All good.

    This is so uncalled for.  I can see that you cannot or refuse to understand the messaging that is promoted on this board.  The people who regularly post here are well-versed in what etiquette typically dictates.  People come on here all the time with bad ideas that would potentially offend their guests and the group here generally educates them as to what etiquette dictates for their situation.  The primary goal is to prevent people who don't know any better from making an ass of themselves or offending their friends and family in some way.  

    Every now and then, we get a stubborn poster who doesn't understand the purpose of this board, looks for validation of their bad ideas *because of their special circumstances* or completely ignores the good advice that is given b/c they don't like the blunt tone in which the advice is delivered.  These people will be hell bent on defending their incorrect opinion, and will typically resort to name-calling and making unfair assumptions about the other posters b/c they aren't hearing what they want to hear. 

    Of course none of us knows your special circumstances (for example, you seem to fear that your guests are incapable of controlling themselves, behaving responsibly, etc) which is WHY the etiquette advice that is delivered is CONSISTENT.  Etiquette guidelines exist so they can be UNIVERSALLY applied throughout all possible circumstances.  You seem to be missing this point.  




    Oh I get the point and the "message" of this board. Trust me. I get it. Fully and completely. I just think the delivery is horse manure and that it's not quite the message that it should be promoting. If it was all about helping people navigate etiquette posters wouldn't be assholes in their delivery. They'd actually use the etiquette they are so fond of to communicate their opinion. To be honest, I agree with many if not most of the suggestions mentioned on this board, I just have a problem with the assholian "you will do it my way or be forever banned the the third circle of etiquette hell" delivery. One of the biggest lesson I have learned here is that it's a competition here. No one's really interested in actually helping others, they just want to post as much mean girl bullshit as they can so that they can look all powerful and special. When in reality, many of the women here are just mean girl assholes who come across as snobs who live to put others down, It's entertaining for sure, but it doesn't exactly help to accomplish anything.

    As for my comment being "uncalled for"? Meh. Call it like I see it. No one else seems to have a problem with being rude towards posters on an etiquette board, I guess I'm  just doing my part to fit in even though it feels really dirty.

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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    SP29 said:

    I was going to comment on the vegetarian/ vegan/ cultural food thing, but many too many quote boxes going on!!


    Addressing your guests' dietary concerns is what a good host does. It is not catering, it is not demanding it is being respectful. If you don't care to address these concerns then don't invite people over- go out to a restaurant.

    We have a friend who is vegetarian and another who eats Halal. We invited our friends over and served pasta with meatballs. We kept them separate and also made a vegetable sauce for the pasta. Served with cheese bread and salad on the side. Voila. Simple, every guest considered, not hard. 

    I agree it's not hard. However, not everyone is confident enough in the kitchen so why would I put more pressure on them. When people come over, I create a meal everyone can eat. When I go elsewhere I ask if I can help, knowing I am the only vegetarian in the group and not everyone is schooled in what can be done. Sometimes they take my help, sometimes they say they've got it under control. Again, that's what friends do. So far, I have 5 different special meals that need to be created for my wedding. Each person with special dietary requirements has approached me to say not to fuss but I have already spoken with the chef and it's no problem. In a private home, it's different because not everyone has the training.
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    LondonLisa said:

    onefootinthebayou said:

    TrixieJess said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    lyndausvi said:

    flbride2015 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:




    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???

    I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?

    The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  

    Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 


    ---------- PRETEND I'M A BOX ------------------------------------------




    I'm the same way.  I learned it from my family.   My grandma who lived on SS always offered food and drinks as soon as a walked in the door.     To allow her to host, my cousins and me would give her beer, gin and whiskey has christmas gifts.    All my extended family does the same thing.  DH's side (different part of the country) does the same.  


    My parents have a kick-ass liquor cabinet.  My dad doesn't really drink.  Maybe a beer once in a while.  Mom drinks Jack and Coke sometimes, but not often. 

    People know not to bring food to my house when we are hosting.  We do not bring food to homes we were invited to either.  We will bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift.  But it's NOT expected to be opened while we are there.       DH sometimes brings Grey Goose, but that is mostly last minute get togethers.  For the most part our friends keep it in stock for DH.
    So you go to a house expecting them to stock a favourite drink? How is that not rude and entitled but friends contributing beverage or food is? Mind boggling. 

    ---------uggBOXES----------


    I as a hostess try and find out what my friends drink and keep it on hand. The same goes for when we go to other people's houses. FI is vegan, we often get asked for what he can and cannot have, that is being a proper host.

    You are micromanaging. If YOU have issues with alcohol, maybe you should discuss this with someone. Your deep dislike for people who drink and drink to excess scream "child of alcoholic". What if your FI gets drunk on your wedding night? How are you going to manage that? Or is he one of the people you will be "watching like a hawk?"

    ETA: stupid boxes




    I'm a vegetarian, I never expect a host to cater just to me. I always offer to bring something to contribute because most people in our circles are not vegetarian. I don't think it's fair to make someone who is not vegetarian cook something just for me when the remainder of the group is not. I think it would be rude to show up at a person's house and demand they feed me something special that's off menu.

    He knows to not get stupid drunk at our wedding, We all watch out for each other. Not sure how watching my guests and making sure they don't drink and drive is micromanaging, but alrighty. You guys sure like to live in boxes that no one else can even remotely change.

    Then you are not friends with grown-ups. I have had friends who are vegans, vegetarians, celiacs, Jewish, etc. I have catered to all of their dietary needs as a hostess, it's what you do as a GOOD HOST. Just because you and your friends were not brought up to host people properly in your homes does not mean that it's not proper. We are letting you know that it is incorrect for you to not host your guests properly. 

    You seem very young, the more you post, the younger you seem. You also talk about how that's not the way that it's done where I am. Maybe you should explore the world a little more and get out of your circle and see how things are done by other people in other situations. Your little corner of the world doesn't seem very worldly.

    ETA: You have a Smart Serve certificate, good for you. So do I, I can guarantee that mine is older than you are. I've been bartending since 1995. I've worked in Bars since then too and seen stuff you can only imagine. BTW, since anyone can get their Smart Serve online, it's not a great feat. I had to spend two days doing a class and a written test since I did it in the days before the internet.



    Bully for your for bartending since 1995 and seeing all kinds of things that I am fairly sure that I have seen as well. Want a cookie for being so special? I did it in Culinary School, also long before the internet... so again want a cookie?

    I learned hosting from my family and from trained service people. I know how to host. I just host differently from you do, but I guarantee my guests are hosted very well. We just don't have our noses in the air expecting superficial nonsense.

    I cater to my friends who have dietary restrictions because I can, but not everyone has that ability. I don't expect anyone to cater to my dietary restrictions because that's self-centered and rude, particurlarly if they do not have experience with vegetarian cuisine. Since I have the training and knowledge, I offer to help them out. If they don't want the help, I don't do anything other than show up. Most of the time they do want the help, and I gladly help them out. Why wouldn't I? That's what friends and family do for each other, Help. Even when hosting.

    I'm not young, but thanks for the "compliment". Can I say that you sound like a stuck up snob who can't see beyond the tip of her nose and expects everyone to do everything in the exact manner that you do it else they be labeled uncouth, young and inexperienced? No, that would be rude.Funny how on an etiquette board you have no problem easily breaking one of the basic rules of etiquette. However, I've learned that etiquette on this board is subjective. All good.

    This is so uncalled for.  I can see that you cannot or refuse to understand the messaging that is promoted on this board.  The people who regularly post here are well-versed in what etiquette typically dictates.  People come on here all the time with bad ideas that would potentially offend their guests and the group here generally educates them as to what etiquette dictates for their situation.  The primary goal is to prevent people who don't know any better from making an ass of themselves or offending their friends and family in some way.  

    Every now and then, we get a stubborn poster who doesn't understand the purpose of this board, looks for validation of their bad ideas *because of their special circumstances* or completely ignores the good advice that is given b/c they don't like the blunt tone in which the advice is delivered.  These people will be hell bent on defending their incorrect opinion, and will typically resort to name-calling and making unfair assumptions about the other posters b/c they aren't hearing what they want to hear. 

    Of course none of us knows your special circumstances (for example, you seem to fear that your guests are incapable of controlling themselves, behaving responsibly, etc) which is WHY the etiquette advice that is delivered is CONSISTENT.  Etiquette guidelines exist so they can be UNIVERSALLY applied throughout all possible circumstances.  You seem to be missing this point.  




    Oh I get the point and the "message" of this board. Trust me. I get it. Fully and completely. I just think the delivery is horse manure and that it's not quite the message that it should be promoting. If it was all about helping people navigate etiquette posters wouldn't be assholes in their delivery. They'd actually use the etiquette they are so fond of to communicate their opinion. To be honest, I agree with many if not most of the suggestions mentioned on this board, I just have a problem with the assholian "you will do it my way or be forever banned the the third circle of etiquette hell" delivery. One of the biggest lesson I have learned here is that it's a competition here. No one's really interested in actually helping others, they just want to post as much mean girl bullshit as they can so that they can look all powerful and special. When in reality, many of the women here are just mean girl assholes who come across as snobs who live to put others down, It's entertaining for sure, but it doesn't exactly help to accomplish anything.

    As for my comment being "uncalled for"? Meh. Call it like I see it. No one else seems to have a problem with being rude towards posters on an etiquette board, I guess I'm  just doing my part to fit in even though it feels really dirty.

    I find it highly dubious to be lectured on appropriate conduct from someone who called their inlaws 'stupid' with 'damn cultural traditions' and their friends 'morons' with 'gross behaviour'.

    Your arrogance, judgement of others, and smug superiority is incredibly vulgar and downright rude. Who are you to judge? Who are you to police everyone's behaviour? If you don't like someone's behaviour

    Here is one of the biggest lessons of marriage: you can't change people. You can't change their behaviour. All you can do is change how you deal with it or decide that it isn't worth it and cut that person out of your life. 




    Pot. Meet Kettle.

     

    Calling me arrogant, judgemental and smugly superiour is funny only because that's exactly what everyone else does on this board in the name of etiquette. So thank you for the laugh, it was very amusing.

    And yes, I know I can't change people... question is, do you know that?

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5 Answers 500 Love Its
    edited May 2015
    SP29 said:

    I was going to comment on the vegetarian/ vegan/ cultural food thing, but many too many quote boxes going on!!


    Addressing your guests' dietary concerns is what a good host does. It is not catering, it is not demanding it is being respectful. If you don't care to address these concerns then don't invite people over- go out to a restaurant.

    We have a friend who is vegetarian and another who eats Halal. We invited our friends over and served pasta with meatballs. We kept them separate and also made a vegetable sauce for the pasta. Served with cheese bread and salad on the side. Voila. Simple, every guest considered, not hard. 
    but, but, but....::sniff, sniff::, but thinking of others is just so hard.   If I think of others, then I can't be thinking being thinking of myself.


    image








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Report Reply
  • onefootinthebayouonefootinthebayou member
    Third Anniversary 500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    notdoingitbythebook said:

    TrixieJess said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    lyndausvi said:

    flbride2015 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:


    This is so uncalled for.  I can see that you cannot or refuse to understand the messaging that is promoted on this board.  The people who regularly post here are well-versed in what etiquette typically dictates.  People come on here all the time with bad ideas that would potentially offend their guests and the group here generally educates them as to what etiquette dictates for their situation.  The primary goal is to prevent people who don't know any better from making an ass of themselves or offending their friends and family in some way.  

    Every now and then, we get a stubborn poster who doesn't understand the purpose of this board, looks for validation of their bad ideas *because of their special circumstances* or completely ignores the good advice that is given b/c they don't like the blunt tone in which the advice is delivered.  These people will be hell bent on defending their incorrect opinion, and will typically resort to name-calling and making unfair assumptions about the other posters b/c they aren't hearing what they want to hear. 

    Of course none of us knows your special circumstances (for example, you seem to fear that your guests are incapable of controlling themselves, behaving responsibly, etc) which is WHY the etiquette advice that is delivered is CONSISTENT.  Etiquette guidelines exist so they can be UNIVERSALLY applied throughout all possible circumstances.  You seem to be missing this point.  




    Oh I get the point and the "message" of this board. Trust me. I get it. Fully and completely. I just think the delivery is horse manure and that it's not quite the message that it should be promoting. If it was all about helping people navigate etiquette posters wouldn't be assholes in their delivery. They'd actually use the etiquette they are so fond of to communicate their opinion. To be honest, I agree with many if not most of the suggestions mentioned on this board, I just have a problem with the assholian "you will do it my way or be forever banned the the third circle of etiquette hell" delivery. One of the biggest lesson I have learned here is that it's a competition here. No one's really interested in actually helping others, they just want to post as much mean girl bullshit as they can so that they can look all powerful and special. When in reality, many of the women here are just mean girl assholes who come across as snobs who live to put others down, It's entertaining for sure, but it doesn't exactly help to accomplish anything.

    As for my comment being "uncalled for"? Meh. Call it like I see it. No one else seems to have a problem with being rude towards posters on an etiquette board, I guess I'm  just doing my part to fit in even though it feels really dirty.

    I disagree with this wholeheartedly.  There is no logic behind this argument.  Why would we take time to read these questions and respond with good advice?  There is no competition and to assert that none of us actually care about dispensing good advice is unfounded and unsupported.  
    I live in a very busy world.  I work, I travel, I socialize.  I run into situations all of the time where people behaving poorly, selfishly, rudely rub me the wrong way, bother me, or make me feel uncomfortable.  However, confronting them by trying to correct their behavior (unless it's really egregious) is not always practical.  This is a place where people come for advice from people who know better and it can actually help those who are genuinely interested in learning how to host properly and throw a reception that IS indeed meant to be a thank you to the guests.  No one likes to be criticized or told they are wrong so your reaction is not an unusual one.  However, calling us mean girls or making false assumptions that we don't care about everyone having the best wedding possible is just wrong and smacks of a defense mechanism. 

    I've actually met a few posters IRL and they are delightful, not the faceless vaporous monsters you believe us to be.  We are just offended by poor behavior and this is a place where we can try one person at a time to correct it.  

    Hell, I'm powerful and special in real life - I don't need to come here to prove it.  I live it every day!
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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments First Answer 500 Love Its

     

    sarawifenow said:

    I admit I am still reading through this, but I have to stop and say that @notdoingthisbythebook it seems like you don't really like your friends and/or wedding guests. So far I have seen you call them morons, admit to micromanaging their behavior, and allude to the fact that you don't think that grown adults can handle themselves at a wedding. So I wonder, why didn't you just elope?


    I'm wondering the same. I'm also wondering why you didn't stand up for yourself more in regards to the bar at your wedding. I know you said that your FI and your "stupid inlaws" wanted it but it's your wedding as well. I just think that you should've fought harder for a better compromise because you seem pretty darn miserable about the whole thing.
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  • RussianCinderellaRussianCinderella member
    10 Comments 25 Love Its
    This post is making me want to drink at the bar tonight while watching the Hawks play. 

    Anyone know a good recipe for Vegas Bombs? I want to make them myself and finding new recipes online to try. 
    image
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  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
    2500 Comments First Answer First Anniversary 500 Love Its
    edited May 2015
    RussianCinderella said:

    This post is making me want to drink at the bar tonight while watching the Hawks play. 


    Anyone know a good recipe for Vegas Bombs? I want to make them myself and finding new recipes online to try. 
    There really isn't much variation on Vegas bombs... It is whisky (I like Crown Royal), Peach Schnapps, a wee bit of Malibu, and Red Bull. Anything else and it isn't really a Vegas Bomb.

    ETA A lot of people skip the Malibu, which I prefer, Coconut is gross.
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    sarawifenow said:

    I admit I am still reading through this, but I have to stop and say that @notdoingitbythebook it seems like you don't really like your friends and/or wedding guests. So far I have seen you call them morons, admit to micromanaging their behavior, and allude to the fact that you don't think that grown adults can handle themselves at a wedding. So I wonder, why didn't you just elope?

     

    ETF: tag

    Well, you're wrong. Alcohol and having a bar is a contentious issue. Talk to me about another aspect of the wedding and it would be a different story. But thanks for basing your opinion on one aspect of the whole day.
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    cupcait927 said:

     

    sarawifenow said:

    I admit I am still reading through this, but I have to stop and say that @notdoingthisbythebook it seems like you don't really like your friends and/or wedding guests. So far I have seen you call them morons, admit to micromanaging their behavior, and allude to the fact that you don't think that grown adults can handle themselves at a wedding. So I wonder, why didn't you just elope?


    I'm wondering the same. I'm also wondering why you didn't stand up for yourself more in regards to the bar at your wedding. I know you said that your FI and your "stupid inlaws" wanted it but it's your wedding as well. I just think that you should've fought harder for a better compromise because you seem pretty darn miserable about the whole thing.
    Why? Because it's not all about me. Because I'm in the minority on this subject. Because I was tired of fighting. Because my FH agreed to put some limitations on the bar to achieve some kind of compromise. Because the open bar is a part of the venue package. Because I'd already chosen two hills to die on and I was tired of fighting. But mostly because I know am in the minority about this. Honestly, this hostility is pretty much on par with what everything thinks about booze and I think that sucks. But it's not enough to change my mind on it. So I stopped fighing and let my FH have something he wanted at the wedding even if it really bothers me. There are other hills to die on.
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    RussianCinderella said:

    This post is making me want to drink at the bar tonight while watching the Hawks play. 


    Anyone know a good recipe for Vegas Bombs? I want to make them myself and finding new recipes online to try. 

    Well, it's how I feel at the moment. My apologies for hurting your delicate sensibilities.
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    onefootinthebayou said:

    MagicInk said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:


    I don't consider myself a speshul snowflakE, far from it. If you knew anything about me, you'd know that. But you don't. I'm a girl who is confounded by how the wedding industry expects weddings to be shoved into a box that doesn't fit everyone. Are there basic things that should happen at any event to make sure guests are comfortable and taken care of? Absolutely. Do they need to be exactly the same across the board? No. But the wedding industry and this site seem to think that if a wedding is not done in the exact same cookie cutter manner, then it's being done wrong. That's the problem I've got with this site and the wedding industry for the most part. I don't plan on being a Stepford Wife so I'm sure as hell not going to be a Stepford Bride which seems to be the only choice on this board. And yes, I'm still trying to figure out why I come here, though I will say it's a good way to pass time.

    It's funny how the "brides" here seem to have a problem with every single tiny issue that doesn't follow their exact template for a wedding, yet none of the professionals in the industry that I know consider any of this nonsense a big deal. Gee, I wonder who I'm going to listen to for "proper etiquette" advice. Hmmm...

    Um...no. No girl.

    I didn't have a cookie cuter traditional wedding. But I did host the every loving fuck out of guests. Cause that's just called good manners. And I might not be a classy bitch, but I'm a well mannered bitch that's for damn sure. No one on here had a problem with my wedding, even though it wasn't traditonal. Being non-traditional doesn't mean being rude.

    And "professionals" in the WEDDING INDUSTRY (which you just slammed in the first paragraph do you like this people or not?) are going to tell you whatever you want to hear to get your money. They're running businesses, they want your money. Money, money, money. I tell people their tribal tramp stamp is a great idea all the time because they are going to pay me money to tattoo it on their body. MONEY influences the vast majority of business decisions.
    @notdoingitbythebook, Yeah, no.  You're confusing people promoting good manners with being "cookie cutter".  Not the same.  Do we wish all hosts followed etiquette?  Sure.  Do we wish all weddings looked the same?  Absolutely not.  See how that's not the same?

    If you actually read any other threads at all, you would see the regulars promoting uneven wedding parties, dry weddings, DIY weddings (which are considerably ANTI-wedding industry if you follow the logic...), original themes, traditional and non-traditional ceremonies.  This is the opposite of cookie cutter.  What you will see consistently applied is how to implement every bride's unique idea, vision, special day dream wedding ACCORDING TO PROPER ETIQUETTE.  

    Ironically, most posters will actually be quick to point out that the wedding industry, vendors, etc. are actually guilty of the most egregious etiquette breeches (ostensibly since they profit off of ALL of this) so no, lumping our etiquette advice into the goals of the great big wedding industrial complex is incorrect.  Again, this board is a place that dispenses solid etiquette advice so brides are NOT influenced by the industry to improperly host their guests.  

    I have friends in the wedding industry. They aren't taking my money, they aren't even doing anything for the wedding other than coming as a guest. I trust their opinion implicitly. But thanks. I know how retail works. However, some people have ethics and won't lie to make a buck.
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    flantastic said:

    I couldn't read all that.

    Too many logical fallacies even to begin.

    I thank you ladies for taking the time to address them.

    @notdoingitbythebook, as a writing tutor whose job it is to make sure people are convincing (i.e. that their arguments hold water, and they have actual factual support for their arguments) - you are terrible at arguing. You go crazy pulling implications from what people post that do not actually logically follow from what they post, and then try to knock down those straw men, and usually can't even do that adequately. I would advise that you stop before you embarrass yourself, but I think it's too late for that.

    Thanks. If you don't mind, I won't take your "advice" under advisement. I don't believe you have my best interests at heart.
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