Wedding Etiquette Forum

Honeymoon registry-still tacky?

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Re: Honeymoon registry-still tacky?


  • While no one has to use a honeymoon registry, the advice given is to brides to avoid making them in the first place.

    The first issue is how honeymoon registries are rude.  Therefore there can be the feeling of being turned off on the part of the guests.

    BUT, the second issue is how honeymoon registries work.   And because the honeymoon registry is really just a registry for cash that take cut, many simply advise discreetly saying (when asked) that the couple is saving for X and most guests take the hint.     Then those who give cash either give the cash or write a check.   

    And then there are some guests who simply won't give money.   They either dislike the concept OR they see the ability to give something else as a way to make money go further.   Example - if I can only afford to spend $50, I could write a check for $50 or I could crochet a beautiful blanket and give the couple a bottle of wine for the same amount.   For those who would prefer to give something in keeping with the couple's tastes, they can buy a physical gift from the registry and add other items to it (like the bottle of wine with glasses or chocolate chip cookie fixings with some baking sheets).   

    I can't speak for everyone but when I advise against a honeymoon registry, it's because I dislike any business profiting in that way AND I'd like to help a couple avoid being perceived as rude.


    And before one argues that the registry in general can be rude, I'll agree within reason.   There are some cases of couples who only register for high end items at stores outside of their guests shopping areas and possibly at price points their guests will not spend.   I'm no fan of that either.   And just like I hear people criticizing a honeymoon registry, I've also heard people say, "Why the eff did the bride register for one pillow case that's $50??!?!?"
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  • edited September 2015
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  • banana468 said:


    I can't speak for everyone but when I advise against a honeymoon registry, it's because I dislike any business profiting in that way AND I'd like to help a couple avoid being perceived as rude.


    And before one argues that the registry in general can be rude, I'll agree within reason.   There are some cases of couples who only register for high end items at stores outside of their guests shopping areas and possibly at price points their guests will not spend.   I'm no fan of that either.   And just like I hear people criticizing a honeymoon registry, I've also heard people say, "Why the eff did the bride register for one pillow case that's $50??!?!?"
    Both fair pts.  Thx.

  • banana468 said:


    I can't speak for everyone but when I advise against a honeymoon registry, it's because I dislike any business profiting in that way AND I'd like to help a couple avoid being perceived as rude.


    And before one argues that the registry in general can be rude, I'll agree within reason.   There are some cases of couples who only register for high end items at stores outside of their guests shopping areas and possibly at price points their guests will not spend.   I'm no fan of that either.   And just like I hear people criticizing a honeymoon registry, I've also heard people say, "Why the eff did the bride register for one pillow case that's $50??!?!?"
    Both fair pts.  Thx.
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  • kkitkat79 said:


    So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities.  You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

    The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion.  Which I disagree with *imho*.
     



    Registries are *always* a guideline, just like any other wishlist one might create- no one has to buy anything from them, ever.  And the couple has no way to force anyone to buy from the registry.


    Same for a Hmoon Registry.
    No.

    Honeymoon registries are cash grabs.  Again, the word FUND is in the name of one of the most popular Hmoon registries. 

    When you set up a Hmon registry you are just asking for cash, period, because that is all you get.

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  • kkitkat79 said:


    So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities.  You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

    The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion.  Which I disagree with *imho*.
     



    Registries are *always* a guideline, just like any other wishlist one might create- no one has to buy anything from them, ever.  And the couple has no way to force anyone to buy from the registry.


    Same for a Hmoon Registry.


    Honeymoon registries are cash grabs.  
    False - they are registering for experiences, items for a trip, or giving guests a guideline as to what they're interested in.  All perfectly fine.


  • While everyone is defending gift registries and pointing out their stark contrast to Hmoon registries, no one has explained to me how they are not against etiquette as well.  

    Look to your beacon of taste, Miss Manners: "Although she despises registries..." from Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.  
  • PupatellaPupatella member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2015

    While everyone is defending gift registries and pointing out their stark contrast to Hmoon registries, no one has explained to me how they are not against etiquette as well.  


    Look to your beacon of taste, Miss Manners: "Although she despises registries..." from Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.  
    I don't think registries are against etiquette. Even cash registries are not technically against etiquette.

    I think people are saying that the perception is that registering for cash is rude. Also registering for only extremely expensive registry items is rude.

    Registering for gifts in different price points is accepted, and what I see most people do.

    There is absolutely no need to register for cash. People know that cash is a great gift.

    Edited because I can't type.

    PrettyGirlLostMGP
  • Pupatella said:
    While everyone is defending gift registries and pointing out their stark contrast to Hmoon registries, no one has explained to me how they are not against etiquette as well.  

    Look to your beacon of taste, Miss Manners: "Although she despises registries..." from Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.  
    I don't think registries are against etiquette. Even cash registries are not technically against etiquette. I think people are saying that the perception is that registering for cash is rude. Also registering for only extremely expensive registry items is rude. Registering for gifts in different price points is accepted, and what I see most people do. There is absolutely no need to register for cash. People know that cash is a great gift.
    I think you're (and others) are making a fair argument that they *perceive* that they are rude.  I'm not stupid, I get that & appreciate the input on that. 

    What I was taking exception to & why I jumped in here to begin with was the admonition that they are against the rule of etiquette and / or that they are, as a matter of fact, rude.  That is a totally different point, which I disagree with.

    I also don't think they're all de facto a "cash grab."   Lots of arguments are being made with all the backing of "because they are!"  Ok... maybe there's another side that I'm trying to present.

    So apologies if I misunderstood anyone's point, but it seemed like most were presenting indisputable facts, which I was disputing.  I can't argue with your opinion on the matter.  Just agree to disagree.


  • kkitkat79 said:


    So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities.  You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

    The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion.  Which I disagree with *imho*.
     



    Registries are *always* a guideline, just like any other wishlist one might create- no one has to buy anything from them, ever.  And the couple has no way to force anyone to buy from the registry.


    Same for a Hmoon Registry.


    Honeymoon registries are cash grabs.  
    False - they are registering for experiences, items for a trip, or giving guests a guideline as to what they're interested in.  All perfectly fine.


    I think we established that this is a ruse.  It looks like the couple are registering for an experience.   They're writing that they're registering for an experience.   What they get is cash that they can use as they desire.     That's part of the complaint that people have with registries as I indicated above.   The registry is not a registry for an experience.   It's a registry for cash disguised as a registry for experiences.

    When I registered for China and guests bought China, I received China. 

    It occurred to me that I remember hearing of the Bergdorf Goodman registry working similarly to the HM registry.   I ran into someone who mentioned that she was once married for about 45 seconds and the guests who bought items from the BG registry didn't actually buy items.   The couple just listed what they wanted and in the end they had a cash account at BG to use as they desired.   So the new divorcee bought Manolos with her wedding gift funds.   That's also in terribly poor taste.

    I am no fan of any business that allows you to look like you're registering for something so the guests can think they're going one thing while the business does something different entirely.  
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  • PupatellaPupatella member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2015


    Pupatella said:

    While everyone is defending gift registries and pointing out their stark contrast to Hmoon registries, no one has explained to me how they are not against etiquette as well.  


    Look to your beacon of taste, Miss Manners: "Although she despises registries..." from Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.  
    I don't think registries are against etiquette. Even cash registries are not technically against etiquette.

    I think people are saying that the perception is that registering for cash is rude. Also registering for only extremely expensive registry items is rude.

    Registering for gifts in different price points is accepted, and what I see most people do.

    There is absolutely no need to register for cash. People know that cash is a great gift.

    I think you're (and others) are making a fair argument that they *perceive* that they are rude.  I'm not stupid, I get that & appreciate the input on that. 

    What I was taking exception to & why I jumped in here to begin with was the admonition that they are against the rule of etiquette and / or that they are, as a matter of fact, rude.  That is a totally different point, which I disagree with.

    I also don't think they're all de facto a "cash grab."   Lots of arguments are being made with all the backing of "because they are!"  Ok... maybe there's another side that I'm trying to present.

    So apologies if I misunderstood anyone's point, but it seemed like most were presenting indisputable facts, which I was disputing.  I can't argue with your opinion on the matter.  Just agree to disagree.



    ---------------boxes----------

    I saw many good points of how they are cash grabs with specific examples.

    I also don't like how the websites collect a fee. I realize the fee doesn't bother you.

    To your last point, yep!! :) agree to disagree.

    ETA: boxes

  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2015


    kkitkat79 said:


    So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities.  You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

    The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion.  Which I disagree with *imho*.
     



    Registries are *always* a guideline, just like any other wishlist one might create- no one has to buy anything from them, ever.  And the couple has no way to force anyone to buy from the registry.


    Same for a Hmoon Registry.


    Honeymoon registries are cash grabs.  
    False - they are registering for experiences, items for a trip, or giving guests a guideline as to what they're interested in.  All perfectly fine.


    Haven't we been through this already? In most of the cases with HM registries AT NO TIME IS AUNT SALLY BUYING AN EXPERIENCE.  The couple is NOT getting a voucher for an experience.  They are just getting a lump sum check (minus fees) a few weeks after the wedding.

    How in the world can you argue that is NOT registering for cash?  When you register for  5 - $50 dinners.  You are indeed registering for $250 - any fees.      If you go on your HM directly after the wedding you do not even get that $250-any fees until you get back from your HM.



    For the record I normally give cash.  Have been for 25+ years now.  Currently, our lowest cash gift amount starts at $150. I clearly have no problem giving cash.  I still think registering for cash is not proper.  To pay a 3rd party company to collect the money is just asinine. Sorrynotsorry.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    PrettyGirlLostSP29

  • Pupatella said:
    Pupatella said:

    ---------------boxes---------- I saw many good points of how they are cash grabs with specific examples. I also don't like how the websites collect a fee. I realize the fee doesn't bother you. To your last point, yep!! :) agree to disagree. ETA: boxes
    :) Yep! 

    I can see instances where they are cash grabs for sure.  But I don't think they are as a matter of fact set up that way and I don't think most couples set them up for that.  But I can for sure see times when it could happen.  & maybe they are abused more than store registries - I don't really know tbh.

    My thought *if* I set one up was to register for experiences & things.  If a person gave no gift at all or did something different, perfectly fine.  If something was gifted, I would most certainly do it.  If it was partially gifted, I would make up the difference & do it.  If it wasn't gifted at all (no one like my idea of a shuffleboard class :) ), I'd probably still do it.




  • edited September 2015
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  • False - they are registering for experiences, items for a trip, or giving guests a guideline as to what they're interested in.  All perfectly fine.


    Setting aside whether gift registries are rude in general* I think one needs to differentiate between honeymoon registries that send monetary value of the experience for which the couple is registered and honeymoon registries that provide the actual experience, for example through a voucher.

    In my opinion honeymoon registries that provide the actual experience are no different than traditional gift registries. Just like it is conceivable that a couple could register for a very expensive set of cookware, it is conceivable that a couple could register for a very expensive flight ticket. If a guest is so inclined they could purchase it for the couple, or a few family members or friends could go in together on one gift. In either case the couple get what they registered for, be it the actual, physical set of pots and pans or the actual, physical flight ticket. I don't know whether there are limitations on how expensive the items for which the couple is registering should be, but that's a different issue.

    However, conceptually, cash honeymoon registries are very different. At best they are an open request for money which is definitely against etiquette. At worst they are deceiving because while the gift-giver might think they are gifting you a helicopter ride, in actuality they are gifting you money.   

    You also need to differentiate between what you think is acceptable and what other people involved might think. Some people do find requests for money offensive and because cash honeymoon registries are in effect money registries some people might be offended. As a host I presume you would like to avoid offending your guests.

    *I actually tend to agree with Miss Manners' position on gift registries, but for large events like weddings, I think they are useful. It makes it easier on the couple so they don't have to answer the same questions 100 times and it makes it easier for the gift-givers in terms of making sure that they are not gifting the third toaster or something. Also, I believe traditional etiquette standards would support Miss Manners' position.




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  • kkitkat79 said:



    However, conceptually, cash honeymoon registries are very different. At best they are an open request for money which is definitely against etiquette. At worst they are deceiving because while the gift-giver might think they are gifting you a helicopter ride, in actuality they are gifting you money.   

    You also need to differentiate between what you think is acceptable and what other people involved might think. Some people do find requests for money offensive and because cash honeymoon registries are in effect money registries some people might be offended. As a host I presume you would like to avoid offending your guests.


    True, but if you'll humor me here, what if the person registers for the helicopter ride and they are gifted that...  & what if the site gives them a voucher for cash instead of the actual ride, but the couple uses that voucher for the helicopter ride.  I'm not saying you are, but I don't want to presume the couple is out to deceive me.  If you assume the intentions are right, I think in the vast majority of cases, the money will go to what they stated.

    As for offending your guests, I do agree & believe me, I appreciate the sentiment here.  

    I think the reaction depends on the guests you invite.  After seeing the reaction here, I reached out to several close friends and 5 out of 5 said sthing like "awesome idea" or "yes, just went to a wedding that had that & I thought it was a fun idea"

  • Pupatella said:
    Pupatella said:

    ---------------boxes---------- I saw many good points of how they are cash grabs with specific examples. I also don't like how the websites collect a fee. I realize the fee doesn't bother you. To your last point, yep!! :) agree to disagree. ETA: boxes
    :) Yep! 

    I can see instances where they are cash grabs for sure.  But I don't think they are as a matter of fact set up that way and I don't think most couples set them up for that.  But I can for sure see times when it could happen.  & maybe they are abused more than store registries - I don't really know tbh.

    My thought *if* I set one up was to register for experiences & things.  If a person gave no gift at all or did something different, perfectly fine.  If something was gifted, I would most certainly do it.  If it was partially gifted, I would make up the difference & do it.  If it wasn't gifted at all (no one like my idea of a shuffleboard class :) ), I'd probably still do it.




    How do you not get that it isn't actually registering for the experience, it is in fact registering for the cash. The guest at no time is informed that they are not buying the couple an experience, but sending them the cash subtract the business profiting (AKA fees). Also you have examples of instances where the couple have not even taken their honeymoon yet, or have bragged about just taking the cash.

    A registry is for helping the guests, pick a gift so that they feel more confident that you actually want the gift, or that it will work in your home. The rudeness of a honeymoon registry is in the deception of your guests, that in the end your not getting the experience, but the money, if you use it for the experience or not.

    Why not just not register, politely say what your saving for in the conversation, and then get all that cash that you're given, no fees involved.. No sign up, no putting bank information in to one more website that could get hacked tomorrow.

    Also in starting a new marriage, and making a financially bad decision isn't really smart either.. You don't care about fees? I know people that are millionaires that still care about fees, some that because they care so much about where their money is going that is how they became wealthy.. I work hard for my money, you can best believe I care about where it is going, every last penny.
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  • Pupatella said:

    ---------------boxes----------

    I saw many good points of how they are cash grabs with specific examples.

    I also don't like how the websites collect a fee. I realize the fee doesn't bother you.

    To your last point, yep!! :) agree to disagree.

    ETA: boxes


    :) Yep! 

    I can see instances where they are cash grabs for sure.  But I don't think they are as a matter of fact set up that way and I don't think most couples set them up for that.  But I can for sure see times when it could happen.  & maybe they are abused more than store registries - I don't really know tbh.

    My thought *if* I set one up was to register for experiences & things.  If a person gave no gift at all or did something different, perfectly fine.  If something was gifted, I would most certainly do it.  If it was partially gifted, I would make up the difference & do it.  If it wasn't gifted at all (no one like my idea of a shuffleboard class :) ), I'd probably still do it.






    --------------------------------------

    So I agree with you that some couples that use them don't intend to use them as cash grabs. :)

    Where I disagree is that the company doesn't intend them to be cash grabs. I do think the company intends this because that's how they make their money.

    If you do set up a honeymoon registry, I forget who mentioned this, but I remember the story. She said that she bought her friend an experience, and her friend sent her a thank you letter along with a pic of the experience (dolphin excursion or something), and she loved seeing the pic!! Just a suggestion for if you go this route!!


  • While everyone is defending gift registries and pointing out their stark contrast to Hmoon registries, no one has explained to me how they are not against etiquette as well.  

    Look to your beacon of taste, Miss Manners: "Although she despises registries..." from Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.  

    I'll bite.

    I agreed with Miss Manners that traditional registries are rude. My H and I decided not to register. And then our mothers were bombarded with phone calls asking where we were registered. We replied, "Just tell Aunt Linda we'll like whatever she picks." But that didn't fly. Aunt Linda wanted to buy china, but didn't want to pick a pattern for us, someone else wanted to get cookware, but didn't know if we wanted stainless steel or the anodized. So we made a registry, because we realized the registry is for the guests. They have a general idea of what they want to get you, and the registry helps them pick it in the style, color, size you need. Cash is one size fits all, and everyone likes it, no need for a registry.

    So, I get where Miss Manners is coming from, and once agreed, but changed my mind after I realized how many guests are helped by the registry. It is similar to including RSVP cards in the invitation. That was considered rude, because OF COURSE! people have their own stationery and can write a letter. But now, people like the convenience of checking a box and dropping it in the mail. Etiquette can change, but I'm not predicting any reversals on whether or not it is okay to mislead people or outright ask for gifts.
    Yes, I don't like trad registry either.  But I do see how serves a purpose for other couples.  Same as a hmoon registry.

    I'm not saying I agree with Miss Manners, just pointing out she is against alot of things that most people do:  ANY type of registry, response cards, wedding websites, "personal" weddings.  Prob other things.
  • Pupatella said:

    Pupatella said:
    Pupatella said:
    She said that she bought her friend an experience, and her friend sent her a thank you letter along with a pic of the experience (dolphin excursion or something), and she loved seeing the pic!! Just a suggestion for if you go this route!!
    Hah - I was planning to do just that if I did a hmoon registry - I was afraid to ask here about that for fear of getting excoriated about proper follow up.

    I have never received a photo of a couple using the blender I got them. :(   ...  :)
  • PupatellaPupatella member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2015


    Pupatella said:





    Pupatella said:


    Pupatella said:

    She said that she bought her friend an experience, and her friend sent her a thank you letter along with a pic of the experience (dolphin excursion or something), and she loved seeing the pic!! Just a suggestion for if you go this route!!


    Hah - I was planning to do just that if I did a hmoon registry - I was afraid to ask here about that for fear of getting excoriated about proper follow up.

    I have never received a photo of a couple using the blender I got them. :(   ...  :)


    ETA ------------boxes-------------

    Haha. That's a good point. Maybe I need to start taking pics of me and my FI using the gifts after our wedding.

  • Pupatella said:
    Pupatella said:

    Pupatella said:
    Pupatella said:
    She said that she bought her friend an experience, and her friend sent her a thank you letter along with a pic of the experience (dolphin excursion or something), and she loved seeing the pic!! Just a suggestion for if you go this route!!
    Hah - I was planning to do just that if I did a hmoon registry - I was afraid to ask here about that for fear of getting excoriated about proper follow up.

    I have never received a photo of a couple using the blender I got them. :(   ...  :)
    ETA ------------boxes------------- Haha. That's a good point. Maybe I need to start taking pics of me and my FI using the gifts after our wedding.
    I once bought a family a photog session (experience) & they sent me a copy of it - I didn't feel like putting it on the mantle but it was nice to get.  Maybe we should start a new etiquette suggestion. :)
    Pupatella
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