Not trying, but not being as careful...

ohannabelle

huskypuppy14 said:

JennyColada said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.

I agree with this. I think I'm going to go off BC in June, and then we may start actively trying at the end of August. If I get pregnant between June and August, that will be fine, though my sister is getting married in July, so I'd prefer not to be pregnant then, but whatever. 

I think there is different views on what is considered "TTC". I read a thread on the bump and a bunch of posters on there were saying if you aren't charting and temping and you're just having unprotected sex you're not TTC. Which I disagree with. 

I don't think what the OP is doing is wrong. She said her and her husband are financially able to support a child, so whatever happens happens. To each their own.

I disagree with this, too. For heaven's sake, in my day when we were trying to conceive, we just screwed. 

It was a conception method that worked pretty well for a couple hundred thousand years. 

So in my opinion, having unprotected sex which could result in pregnancy is trying to conceive. All the charts and temps (wherever) and the rest is just trying harder. 

Sugargirl1019

OP, I think I understand the position you're in. Whether others agree with it is a different story. Having a baby is just SO HUGE! So it's understandable to be on the fence and ehh do I really want to actually try hard to have a baby? Or is out easier to let it accidentally happen and have that news "push you over" into accepting it? I don't find the latter to be irresponsible if you are financially ready and have the ability to care for a child, which it sounds like you are.

Some might say "no, you must be 100% wanting to get pregnant" for it to be right, but I think you're in the "if it happens, I will be pushed into mommy mode and love it" and that sounds okay, too.

manateehugger

Sugargirl1019 said:

OP, I think I understand the position you're in. Whether others agree with it is a different story. Having a baby is just SO HUGE! So it's understandable to be on the fence and ehh do I really want to actually try hard to have a baby? Or is out easier to let it accidentally happen and have that news "push you over" into accepting it? I don't find the latter to be irresponsible if you are financially ready and have the ability to care for a child, which it sounds like you are. Some might say "no, you must be 100% wanting to get pregnant" for it to be right, but I think you're in the "if it happens, I will be pushed into mommy mode and love it" and that sounds okay, too.

If a friend told me the bolded, I'd react the same way as if that friend told me he was proposing because his GF wanted it and it the default thing to do. Taking on life-altering events like a baby or a marriage by willfully and knowingly displacing self-control and then later saying, "well guess we have to go through with it now," doesn't seem like a healthy way of dealing with life.

I think having pregnancy/pre-parent anxiety is completely normal, but knowingly failing to prevent conception as a means to shove yourself into parenthood is so bizarrely passive to me. Oopsie pregnancies are one thing - but in this case, OP cannot claim accidental pregnancy.

larrygaga

huskypuppy14  I don't think anyone said it was wrong it's just weird as hell and makes no sense

ashley8918

manateehugger said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

OP, I think I understand the position you're in. Whether others agree with it is a different story. Having a baby is just SO HUGE! So it's understandable to be on the fence and ehh do I really want to actually try hard to have a baby? Or is out easier to let it accidentally happen and have that news "push you over" into accepting it? I don't find the latter to be irresponsible if you are financially ready and have the ability to care for a child, which it sounds like you are. Some might say "no, you must be 100% wanting to get pregnant" for it to be right, but I think you're in the "if it happens, I will be pushed into mommy mode and love it" and that sounds okay, too.

If a friend told me the bolded, I'd react the same way as if that friend told me he was proposing because his GF wanted it and it the default thing to do. Taking on life-altering events like a baby or a marriage by willfully and knowingly displacing self-control and then later saying, "well guess we have to go through with it now," doesn't seem like a healthy way of dealing with life.

I think having pregnancy/pre-parent anxiety is completely normal, but knowingly failing to prevent conception as a means to shove yourself into parenthood is so bizarrely passive to me. Oopsie pregnancies are one thing - but in this case, OP cannot claim accidental pregnancy.

DING DING DING. You read my mind, sista.

chibiyui

H and I are in a similar position honestly. I've mentioned on here before that the Nuvaring turned me into a frigid bitch, so a little after we were engaged I went off it. My sex drive came back, but we didn't pick up condoms or another hormonal birth control. We did use withdrawal, (which, done correctly is actually pretty effective. It has a bad rap because some dudes lack control or are tiny pricks who don't care. It also doesn't do shit for STI's, which was not a concern of ours). If H wanted to come inside he'd peek at my ovulation app (Of course, now I know that without temping, that sort of app isn't entirely accurate)  

Anyway. I only have mini-freakouts if I'm late, and even that is more because of "Omg, I drank a SHIT TON of wine last week" or "I ate nothing but taco bell for lunch this week", i.e. welfare of possible progeny, not the progeny itself. Pregnancy wouldn't be ideal right now (I WANT that wine pairing at Victoria and Alberts dammit) and we're planning a trip in the fall, but shit, we can cancel plans. I can skip the fucking wine pairing. 

Forgive the ramble. Today is my first day of my period, and I feel like shit. And plot lines are driving me to drink.

KatieinBkln

hellosweetie1015 said:

KatieinBkln said:

STARMOON44 said:

Some people call it "not trying but not preventing." 

I think it's similar to what you're doing Gustafson. We are using protection or not having sex on high fertility days but other days we are pretty relaxed about it. It's a step in between trying and not trying. It's a weird place to be in and I get that. I think the reason I was looking for a place to vent or talk about it is because so many people have negative opinions about it because they think we should just "make a decision." I see it as easing into the process of actually trying (which we will probably do in another year or two), because we are practicing being more aware of my cycle, etc. And if a surprise comes up as a result, we'll be ready and happy. 

Except if you're really anxious every month, obviously you're not pretty relaxed about it. That's why people have negative opinions about it. Because having a baby is a serious decision and messing around with birth control while pretending like you're not really trying trying isn't a serious way of making if.

This right here is The Thing. In general, I'm with @hellosweetie1015--I give zero fucks what anyone wants to do in their bedroom and how they want to see themselves in terms of trying/not trying/etc. I simply could not give any fewer shits. (I have some opinions on the whole notion of TTC and the ways in which a totally normal, natural thing has been co-opted by people who stand to make money from it, but that is a story for another day, or never).

But if you're worried, it's not because you need a forum that doesn't exist yet. It's because you're not okay with the way you're doing things now. Happily, you have completely accidentally landed on the Real Talk (TM) Figure Out Yer Feelings board. Welcome. Don't be scurred.

I love 97%~ of your post, but I don't know that I agree with the bolded. I imagine that even if FI and I were ACTIVELY TRYING, there would still be that moment of "Oh, shit, I'm fucking pregnant, what the fuck am I going to do?", at least for a second or two. I've spent 26 (well... 16) years being told that pregnancy is a negative consequence of unprotected sex. I expect that it's going to take a hella long time to break this thought process, even when I'm wanting this 100% right that second. 

You could be right. I just kind of figured that if the OP was so anxious she felt the need to make a post about it (even asking where a specific forum to talk about said anxiety could be found!) that it went beyond the normal/understandable "Holy shit, maybe a baby!" fear you're describing. I have been wrong before, though...

hellosweetie1015

KatieinBkln said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

KatieinBkln said:

STARMOON44 said:

Some people call it "not trying but not preventing." 

I think it's similar to what you're doing Gustafson. We are using protection or not having sex on high fertility days but other days we are pretty relaxed about it. It's a step in between trying and not trying. It's a weird place to be in and I get that. I think the reason I was looking for a place to vent or talk about it is because so many people have negative opinions about it because they think we should just "make a decision." I see it as easing into the process of actually trying (which we will probably do in another year or two), because we are practicing being more aware of my cycle, etc. And if a surprise comes up as a result, we'll be ready and happy. 

Except if you're really anxious every month, obviously you're not pretty relaxed about it. That's why people have negative opinions about it. Because having a baby is a serious decision and messing around with birth control while pretending like you're not really trying trying isn't a serious way of making if.

This right here is The Thing. In general, I'm with @hellosweetie1015--I give zero fucks what anyone wants to do in their bedroom and how they want to see themselves in terms of trying/not trying/etc. I simply could not give any fewer shits. (I have some opinions on the whole notion of TTC and the ways in which a totally normal, natural thing has been co-opted by people who stand to make money from it, but that is a story for another day, or never).

But if you're worried, it's not because you need a forum that doesn't exist yet. It's because you're not okay with the way you're doing things now. Happily, you have completely accidentally landed on the Real Talk (TM) Figure Out Yer Feelings board. Welcome. Don't be scurred.

I love 97%~ of your post, but I don't know that I agree with the bolded. I imagine that even if FI and I were ACTIVELY TRYING, there would still be that moment of "Oh, shit, I'm fucking pregnant, what the fuck am I going to do?", at least for a second or two. I've spent 26 (well... 16) years being told that pregnancy is a negative consequence of unprotected sex. I expect that it's going to take a hella long time to break this thought process, even when I'm wanting this 100% right that second. 


You could be right. I just kind of figured that if the OP was so anxious she felt the need to make a post about it (even asking where a specific forum to talk about said anxiety could be found!) that it went beyond the normal/understandable "Holy shit, maybe a baby!" fear you're describing. I have been wrong before, though...


Guaranteed box mess up. Damn mobile boxes.

I dunno either. I'm wrong a lot haha. But that wasn't the vibe I got - I got a vibe that was more of a general wish for a community of people in this situation in general, not just the anxiety specifically. Which isn't in existence - I feel like the kind-of-not-trying "limbo" situation isn't common enough to have a discussion board to voice those things, like silly little anxiety when dear old Flo stays away a little longer than normal.

Again though, I pretty much am wrong all the time so I guess take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

Eta also - I'd be anxious because of the uncertainty too; I like just knowing wtf is going on. If something is not certain, my anxiety levels jump up enough to probably warrant a Xanax...

holyguacamole79

ashley8918 said:

If you don't want to have a baby RIGHT NOW, then you use birth control. That's how it works. Super aimple stuff. NFP (if done properly) is a perfectly fine method of birth control. "Pulling out" is not. "Trying to whatever", is really not a thing. You're either trying (by having unprotected sex), or you're not trying (by using some method of birth control). There really isn't an in-between.

In NFP circles, it's a legit thing.  H and I have been TTW (trying to whatever) for most of our marriage.  An NFP Tumblr I follow says this about TTW:

We are now TTC.  So, when I notice signs that I'm ovulating, I'm all

The science behind it is pretty cool, actually (I know @lolo883 geeks out over this).  

I got these images from an NFP tumblr.  It's pretty funny (at least, I think it is).  Note - the person who does this is staunchly Catholic and VERY pro-NFP.  But many of these GIFs are spot on (it made my ob-gyn laugh) http://whatshouldwecallnfp.tumblr.com/

larrygaga

What throws me off about all this is pulling out. It makes me think you want 

manateehugger said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

OP, I think I understand the position you're in. Whether others agree with it is a different story. Having a baby is just SO HUGE! So it's understandable to be on the fence and ehh do I really want to actually try hard to have a baby? Or is out easier to let it accidentally happen and have that news "push you over" into accepting it? I don't find the latter to be irresponsible if you are financially ready and have the ability to care for a child, which it sounds like you are. Some might say "no, you must be 100% wanting to get pregnant" for it to be right, but I think you're in the "if it happens, I will be pushed into mommy mode and love it" and that sounds okay, too.

If a friend told me the bolded, I'd react the same way as if that friend told me he was proposing because his GF wanted it and it the default thing to do. Taking on life-altering events like a baby or a marriage by willfully and knowingly displacing self-control and then later saying, "well guess we have to go through with it now," doesn't seem like a healthy way of dealing with life.

I think having pregnancy/pre-parent anxiety is completely normal, but knowingly failing to prevent conception as a means to shove yourself into parenthood is so bizarrely passive to me. Oopsie pregnancies are one thing - but in this case, OP cannot claim accidental pregnancy.

What manatee said. Just the "well we have to go through with it now" mentality. I think it's normal to be up in the air and TTW but then why would you actively pull out? 

Also: We all should know by now that pulling out doesn't always work.

holyguacamole79

elleC14 for most of our marriage.  We've never used any form of BC, and have always been open to kids.  Up until my surgery last March, I had no signs that I was even ovulating, so if we did conceive at that point, we would have been shocked.

We are technically TTC, but we are not as hard-core as other couples.  I'm temping and using the Creighton method of NFP (under the guidance of my obgyn).  But we are not obsessing over it ... partly because we know that we have some fertility issues and I honestly don't want to go crazy taking stuff like Clomid.  We will probably look into adoption later this year.

wrigleyville

"Pulling out" is not reliable.

If a guy has ejaculated once already, like during foreplay or even during an earlier masturbatory session, the pre-cum can contain sperm.

Even if he hasn't, some men do have pre-cum that contains a small amount of sperm. According to a recent study, it's around 30%.

I don't like those odds. Men can't feel pre-cum coming out the same way they can feel that they're about to have an orgasm. I don't trust pulling out and never have.

slothiegal

manateehugger said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

OP, I think I understand the position you're in. Whether others agree with it is a different story. Having a baby is just SO HUGE! So it's understandable to be on the fence and ehh do I really want to actually try hard to have a baby? Or is out easier to let it accidentally happen and have that news "push you over" into accepting it? I don't find the latter to be irresponsible if you are financially ready and have the ability to care for a child, which it sounds like you are. Some might say "no, you must be 100% wanting to get pregnant" for it to be right, but I think you're in the "if it happens, I will be pushed into mommy mode and love it" and that sounds okay, too.

If a friend told me the bolded, I'd react the same way as if that friend told me he was proposing because his GF wanted it and it the default thing to do. Taking on life-altering events like a baby or a marriage by willfully and knowingly displacing self-control and then later saying, "well guess we have to go through with it now," doesn't seem like a healthy way of dealing with life.

I think having pregnancy/pre-parent anxiety is completely normal, but knowingly failing to prevent conception as a means to shove yourself into parenthood is so bizarrely passive to me. Oopsie pregnancies are one thing - but in this case, OP cannot claim accidental pregnancy.

THIS.  If my best friend came to me and told me this sort of story, I'd give her this face:

And then sit her ass down and remind her she's a big girl and big girls need to have a thought process such as "hey, am I ready to have a baby?  No?  I should practice my preferred form of BC!"

There are waaaaay too many kids in the world that ended up here because their parents just got "pushed into it".  Obviously accidents happen.  But from what I'm understanding, this wouldn't be an "accident", this would just be....mommy and daddy not being responsible.

lyndausvi

I'm just going to say I have been off BC for over 6 years.  DH and I are not "trying" but we are not preventing either.   If it happens, fine.  If it doesn't, fine. I have never temp, charted or any of that stuff.  I have zero interest in IF or adopting. 

I don't think everything needs to be planned out in life.  If I got pregnant today we would embrace being parents.  Dare I say I think we would be good parents?  Just like my single aunt did when she got pregnant.  Ideal?   No, but something you can embrace and still be a wonderful amazing parent.   

Sometimes I think people over plan,  want instant gratification and/or get really disappointed when their lives doesn't go as planned..  Life throws you curves once in a while and yes a child can be one of those curves. Heck my parents planned on 3 kids. Well mom had twins the last pregnancy.  Planned?  no, but that doesn't mean they didn't embrace what was given to them.  Which by the way was on the delivery table. That is right, my mom had no idea she was having twins.  These were the days before ultrasounds for everyone.  They only every heard 1 heartbeat.  But 2 kids popped out.  Their lives didn't end because of an unplanned twin pregnancy when they already had 2 kids.  They just embraced what happened and is living a great life.

Sometimes  life throws you a curve buy not giving you a (natural) child which sets you on a different path. Some people decide to go through IF or adoption .  Others, like me, decide to live a childfree live.

Did I think I would be a mother one day?  Yes.  Did I want to go through hoops to get there?  No.  If it happens, great, if not, my life will take a different direction. It's all good.  I don't regret my life one bit.

ashley8918

holyguacamole79 said:

elleC14 for most of our marriage.  We've never used any form of BC, and have always been open to kids.  Up until my surgery last March, I had no signs that I was even ovulating, so if we did conceive at that point, we would have been shocked.

We are technically TTC, but we are not as hard-core as other couples.  I'm temping and using the Creighton method of NFP (under the guidance of my obgyn).  But we are not obsessing over it ... partly because we know that we have some fertility issues and I honestly don't want to go crazy taking stuff like Clomid.  We will probably look into adoption later this year.

Okay - So, you were trying (if only halfheartedly, I guess) to get pregnant. You weren't actively preventing. 

I have an IUD and a plan that does not end in me having a baby if I were to get miracle pregnant anyway. I am super actively preventing.

banana468

ohannabelle said:

huskypuppy14 said:

JennyColada said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.

I agree with this. I think I'm going to go off BC in June, and then we may start actively trying at the end of August. If I get pregnant between June and August, that will be fine, though my sister is getting married in July, so I'd prefer not to be pregnant then, but whatever. 

I think there is different views on what is considered "TTC". I read a thread on the bump and a bunch of posters on there were saying if you aren't charting and temping and you're just having unprotected sex you're not TTC. Which I disagree with. 

I don't think what the OP is doing is wrong. She said her and her husband are financially able to support a child, so whatever happens happens. To each their own.

I disagree with this, too. For heaven's sake, in my day when we were trying to conceive, we just screwed. 

It was a conception method that worked pretty well for a couple hundred thousand years. 

So in my opinion, having unprotected sex which could result in pregnancy is trying to conceive. All the charts and temps (wherever) and the rest is just trying harder. 

But since NFP exists, you can also have unprotected sex and be avoiding too. It's all in the details of knowing what you're doing.

holyguacamole79

ashley8918 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

elleC14 for most of our marriage.  We've never used any form of BC, and have always been open to kids.  Up until my surgery last March, I had no signs that I was even ovulating, so if we did conceive at that point, we would have been shocked.

We are technically TTC, but we are not as hard-core as other couples.  I'm temping and using the Creighton method of NFP (under the guidance of my obgyn).  But we are not obsessing over it ... partly because we know that we have some fertility issues and I honestly don't want to go crazy taking stuff like Clomid.  We will probably look into adoption later this year.

Okay - So, you were trying (if only halfheartedly, I guess) to get pregnant. You weren't actively preventing. 

I have an IUD and a plan that does not end in me having a baby if I were to get miracle pregnant anyway. I am super actively preventing.

-------------------
As someone who is currently trying to get pregnant, I can honestly tell you that we weren't truly trying before. We knew that it was a possibility, and we were open to it. I'm now taking my Temps every morning, being more diligent in my charting, and taking supplements. I follow up with my NFP instructor and my obgyn regularly. I have bloodwork done monthly to see if I ovulated. If I see signs of fertility, we have sex (even if I'm totally not up for it).

I wasn't doing any of those things before.

Also, too @banana468 's point .... as Catholics, my husband and I will never use any form of artificial birth control. If we find that we are not ready for a pregnancy, we will abstain from sex during my fertile times.

ashley8918

holyguacamole79 said:

ashley8918 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

elleC14 for most of our marriage.  We've never used any form of BC, and have always been open to kids.  Up until my surgery last March, I had no signs that I was even ovulating, so if we did conceive at that point, we would have been shocked.

We are technically TTC, but we are not as hard-core as other couples.  I'm temping and using the Creighton method of NFP (under the guidance of my obgyn).  But we are not obsessing over it ... partly because we know that we have some fertility issues and I honestly don't want to go crazy taking stuff like Clomid.  We will probably look into adoption later this year.

Okay - So, you were trying (if only halfheartedly, I guess) to get pregnant. You weren't actively preventing. 

I have an IUD and a plan that does not end in me having a baby if I were to get miracle pregnant anyway. I am super actively preventing.

-------------------
As someone who is currently trying to get pregnant, I can honestly tell you that we weren't truly trying before. We knew that it was a possibility, and we were open to it. I'm now taking my Temps every morning, being more diligent in my charting, and taking supplements. I follow up with my NFP instructor and my obgyn regularly. I have bloodwork done monthly to see if I ovulated. If I see signs of fertility, we have sex (even if I'm totally not up for it).

I wasn't doing any of those things before.

Also, too @banana468 's point .... as Catholics, my husband and I will never use any form of artificial birth control. If we find that we are not ready for a pregnancy, we will abstain from sex during my fertile times.

__________________________________






Meh. Call it what you want, but in my opinion if you are having totally unprotected sex, you are TTC. Just because you're not super gung ho about it, doesn't mean that you're not doing something that you KNOW is likely to result in pregnancy. I know you mentioned fertility issues, though, so I get that the likelihood might not have been so high in your case, but I'm speaking in general here.

Also, I never said anything about "artificial" birth control. NFP is a method of BC, just not the one for me. If you are practicing NFP to avoid a pregnancy, you are practicing birth control and not TTC.

Bubblegum5586

JennyColada said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.

This was what I was thinking. H and I have talked about a time frame of when I will go off BC. For some reason I am scared I wont be able to have kids or it will be really challenging to get pregnant. There is no reason for me feeling like this.. I just tend to over think things. So I think the "not trying / not preventing" method would be a way to take some stress off of me. That if I don't' get pregnant right away its ok, we weren't actively trying (temping, charting etc).

KatieinBkln

bubblegum1309 said:

JennyColada said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.

This was what I was thinking. H and I have talked about a time frame of when I will go off BC. For some reason I am scared I wont be able to have kids or it will be really challenging to get pregnant. There is no reason for me feeling like this.. I just tend to over think things. So I think the "not trying / not preventing" method would be a way to take some stress off of me. That if I don't' get pregnant right away its ok, we weren't actively trying (temping, charting etc).

Okay, this is not specifically aimed only at you, but the bolded made me curious.

Am I missing something? When people want to get pregnant, do they not just...go off birth control, start taking prenatal vitamins, quit drinking, and start fucking? Is that not a thing anymore? Is temping and charting the norm now? I totally get it for people with fertility issues, of course. But for the average woman who is just starting to TTC for the first time (and maybe this is just my inherent laziness talking) isn't that a lot of unnecessary work and stress?

holyguacamole79

KatieinBkln said:

bubblegum1309 said:

JennyColada said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.

This was what I was thinking. H and I have talked about a time frame of when I will go off BC. For some reason I am scared I wont be able to have kids or it will be really challenging to get pregnant. There is no reason for me feeling like this.. I just tend to over think things. So I think the "not trying / not preventing" method would be a way to take some stress off of me. That if I don't' get pregnant right away its ok, we weren't actively trying (temping, charting etc).

Okay, this is not specifically aimed only at you, but the bolded made me curious.

Am I missing something? When people want to get pregnant, do they not just...go off birth control, start taking prenatal vitamins, quit drinking, and start fucking? Is that not a thing anymore? Is temping and charting the norm now? I totally get it for people with fertility issues, of course. But for the average woman who is just starting to TTC for the first time (and maybe this is just my inherent laziness talking) isn't that a lot of unnecessary work and stress?

I can only speak for myself (and yes, I know this is coming from someone with fertility issues).  I know quite a few people who temp and chart when they are TTC (even if they don't have issues).  It's helpful to know when you ovulate so you can be sure to have sex at thath point.  It can also help you idenitfy other issues you may have when TTC.  For example, my last luteal phase was a bit short, so that's something I want to keep an eye on and discuss with my doctor.

Maybe I've gotten used to it, but it really isn't that stressful.  I update my chart with my temps and any other signs I see and I add the stickers to it to show when I was (or wasn't) fertile.    

theartistformerlyknownas

KatieinBkln said:

Okay, this is not specifically aimed only at you, but the bolded made me curious.

Am I missing something? When people want to get pregnant, do they not just...go off birth control, start taking prenatal vitamins, quit drinking, and start fucking? Is that not a thing anymore? Is temping and charting the norm now? I totally get it for people with fertility issues, of course. But for the average woman who is just starting to TTC for the first time (and maybe this is just my inherent laziness talking) isn't that a lot of unnecessary work and stress?

Yeah, I would consider all of that "trying." If you're not partaking in ANY type of birth control, but you are having sex, that falls into "trying" in my book. That's what we did the first month, and even though it wasn't as hardcore of "trying" as the second, I'd still consider it TTC because we were not TTA. 

Personally, I wanted to try out charting because I intend to use it for birth control after we have kids, and I figured it was better to learn it now while I DO want to get pregnant than risk messing it up then. My cycles had always been really irregular before I went on the pill, so I knew for either scenario I couldn't count on the typical 28 day cycle AT ALL. It was really more, for me, a matter of knowing when to expect my period (31 is way too old to be surprised by that shit; I have nicer underwear than I used to!) than it was pinpointing when I ovulated, although that was a nice bonus. It's just a matter of taking precisely 1 minute to stick a thermometer in my mouth (yes, my mouth) before I get out of bed in the morning. 

If you are not paying attention to whatever signs necessary to determine when you ovulate, you are trying to get pregnant - like a "lie of omission" sort of thing. The fact that OP doesn't know when her period is going to come and gets anxious when she's late tells me she doesn't understand her cycles, and cannot accurately time sex to not get pregnant. In that case, you should act as if trying and take prenatals.

banana468

ashley8918 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

elleC14 for most of our marriage.  We've never used any form of BC, and have always been open to kids.  Up until my surgery last March, I had no signs that I was even ovulating, so if we did conceive at that point, we would have been shocked.

We are technically TTC, but we are not as hard-core as other couples.  I'm temping and using the Creighton method of NFP (under the guidance of my obgyn).  But we are not obsessing over it ... partly because we know that we have some fertility issues and I honestly don't want to go crazy taking stuff like Clomid.  We will probably look into adoption later this year.

Okay - So, you were trying (if only halfheartedly, I guess) to get pregnant. You weren't actively preventing. 

I have an IUD and a plan that does not end in me having a baby if I were to get miracle pregnant anyway. I am super actively preventing.

------------------- As someone who is currently trying to get pregnant, I can honestly tell you that we weren't truly trying before. We knew that it was a possibility, and we were open to it. I'm now taking my Temps every morning, being more diligent in my charting, and taking supplements. I follow up with my NFP instructor and my obgyn regularly. I have bloodwork done monthly to see if I ovulated. If I see signs of fertility, we have sex (even if I'm totally not up for it). I wasn't doing any of those things before. Also, too @banana468 's point .... as Catholics, my husband and I will never use any form of artificial birth control. If we find that we are not ready for a pregnancy, we will abstain from sex during my fertile times.

__________________________________ Meh. Call it what you want, but in my opinion if you are having totally unprotected sex, you are TTC. Just because you're not super gung ho about it, doesn't mean that you're not doing something that you KNOW is likely to result in pregnancy. I know you mentioned fertility issues, though, so I get that the likelihood might not have been so high in your case, but I'm speaking in general here. Also, I never said anything about "artificial" birth control. NFP is a method of BC, just not the one for me. If you are practicing NFP to avoid a pregnancy, you are practicing birth control and not TTC.

You're contradicting yourself.   NFP *is* totally unprotected sex.   There's no sprinkling of Catholic pixie dust on the sheets or some kind of prayer said over an erection to avoid.   The concept with NFP is that you avoid during fertile times when you don't want to conceive.   There are very conservative methods (like not having sex until after you ovulated) and others  that aren't as conservative (having sex before ovulation when you shouldn't be fertile).   Then there's TTC when you *KNOW* that you are in your fertile time and you DTD until you can't walk.   And then there's TTW - when you pay attention to your fertility but you aren't actively trying to do anything.   TTW is probably the most carefree time because you're not making a plan to have sex.   You're basically saying that if the mood is right you'll go for it but if it's not, you're also OK with staying up late to watch football.  

That's much different than being upset that you're going to be on a week long business trip when you know it's the week that you have the green light after ovulation and you will have to wait for up to another month to be intimate again.   It's also much different from being upset that your DH spent all evening talking to a window salesman so your energy for TTC is completely well....out the window.

You can have an opinion on what to call it but well, you know what opinions are like.   :-) 

KatieinBkln

lolo883 said:

KatieinBkln said:

Okay, this is not specifically aimed only at you, but the bolded made me curious.

Am I missing something? When people want to get pregnant, do they not just...go off birth control, start taking prenatal vitamins, quit drinking, and start fucking? Is that not a thing anymore? Is temping and charting the norm now? I totally get it for people with fertility issues, of course. But for the average woman who is just starting to TTC for the first time (and maybe this is just my inherent laziness talking) isn't that a lot of unnecessary work and stress?

Yeah, I would consider all of that "trying." If you're not partaking in ANY type of birth control, but you are having sex, that falls into "trying" in my book. That's what we did the first month, and even though it wasn't as hardcore of "trying" as the second, I'd still consider it TTC because we were not TTA. 

Personally, I wanted to try out charting because I intend to use it for birth control after we have kids, 

The bolded makes a ton of sense to me. I'm in love with my birth control pills so it's probably not something I'll do, but I understand the notion of practicing when you DO want to get pregnant so you're good at it when you don't. 

holyguacamole79 said:

KatieinBkln said:

now this is coming from someone with fertility issues).  I know quite a few people who temp and chart when they are TTC (even if they don't have issues).  It's helpful to know when you ovulate so you can be sure to have sex at thath point.  It can also help you idenitfy other issues you may have when TTC.  For example, my last luteal phase was a bit short, so that's something I want to keep an eye on and discuss with my doctor.

Maybe I've gotten used to it, but it really isn't that stressful.  I update my chart with my temps and any other signs I see and I add the stickers to it to show when I was (or wasn't) fertile.    

Re: this bolded--I think this could be solved by havin' sex all the time, haha. (Of course one is not always in the mood, I get it. I just can't see that a person without known fertility problems really needs to know, if that makes sense).

banana468

KatieinBkln said:

bubblegum1309 said:

JennyColada said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.

This was what I was thinking. H and I have talked about a time frame of when I will go off BC. For some reason I am scared I wont be able to have kids or it will be really challenging to get pregnant. There is no reason for me feeling like this.. I just tend to over think things. So I think the "not trying / not preventing" method would be a way to take some stress off of me. That if I don't' get pregnant right away its ok, we weren't actively trying (temping, charting etc).

Okay, this is not specifically aimed only at you, but the bolded made me curious.

Am I missing something? When people want to get pregnant, do they not just...go off birth control, start taking prenatal vitamins, quit drinking, and start fucking? Is that not a thing anymore? Is temping and charting the norm now? I totally get it for people with fertility issues, of course. But for the average woman who is just starting to TTC for the first time (and maybe this is just my inherent laziness talking) isn't that a lot of unnecessary work and stress?

If you're using NFP then charting is what you do.   I started doing it before TTC Chiquita to know my body and see when I knew it was ovulating.   Now I'm not charting because trying to keep an eye on an actual cycle when I'm up 1-2 times a night with no real pattern is a pain so I'm going to switch NFP methods to one that has a PP BF protocol.

Before BIL and SIL conceived, they were in the TTA window and she took her temp and used NFP to successfully avoid for a year.   Then they conceived successfully on her 2nd cycle.

BTW, I don't believe in not drinking alcohol when having unprotected sex.   I drank until I saw the 2nd line.   I just wasn't doing keg stands.

pinkcow13

wrigleyville said:

"Pulling out" is not reliable.

If a guy has ejaculated once already, like during foreplay or even during an earlier masturbatory session, the pre-cum can contain sperm.

Even if he hasn't, some men do have pre-cum that contains a small amount of sperm. According to a recent study, it's around 30%.

I don't like those odds. Men can't feel pre-cum coming out the same way they can feel that they're about to have an orgasm. I don't trust pulling out and never have.

My cousin wasn't "trying" to get pregnant, and she and her now husband always swore by the  "pull out" method. They just had their 3rd baby last week. He got a vasectomy a few weeks prior.

Condoms would have been so much easier.

jenna8984

KatieinBkln said:

 

Okay, this is not specifically aimed only at you, but the bolded made me curious.

Am I missing something? When people want to get pregnant, do they not just...go off birth control, start taking prenatal vitamins, quit drinking, and start fucking? Is that not a thing anymore? Is temping and charting the norm now? I totally get it for people with fertility issues, of course. But for the average woman who is just starting to TTC for the first time (and maybe this is just my inherent laziness talking) isn't that a lot of unnecessary work and stress?

@katieinbkln Since we are looking to get off my pill in a few months, I asked several friends with children if they did any of the charting/ temp stuff. Every one of them said "no, what are you talking about?" So I don't think it's some new thing that we must do or the new norm.

Maggie0829

banana468 said:

You're contradicting yourself.   NFP *is* totally unprotected sex.   There's no sprinkling of Catholic pixie dust on the sheets or some kind of prayer said over an erection to avoid.   The concept with NFP is that you avoid during fertile times when you don't want to conceive.   There are very conservative methods (like not having sex until after you ovulated) and others  that aren't as conservative (having sex before ovulation when you shouldn't be fertile).   Then there's TTC when you *KNOW* that you are in your fertile time and you DTD until you can't walk.   And then there's TTW - when you pay attention to your fertility but you aren't actively trying to do anything.   TTW is probably the most carefree time because you're not making a plan to have sex.   You're basically saying that if the mood is right you'll go for it but if it's not, you're also OK with staying up late to watch football.  

That's much different than being upset that you're going to be on a week long business trip when you know it's the week that you have the green light after ovulation and you will have to wait for up to another month to be intimate again.   It's also much different from being upset that your DH spent all evening talking to a window salesman so your energy for TTC is completely well....out the window.

You can have an opinion on what to call it but well, you know what opinions are like.   :-) 

The bolded made me almost spit water out all over my screen.

My opinion is that  if you are having unprotected sex then you are TTC period.  Unprotected sex, at any point of your cycle, could result in a pregnancy.  Yes you are more fertile at certain times of the month, but basic sex ed will tell you that if you have unprotected sex at any point then you open yourself up to possibly getting pregnant.

But this whole, well we aren't really TTC we are only doing whatever is silliness to me.  Either you are being very vigilant with temping and charting and doing a fertility dance to the gods or you are going the old fashion route of just having sex when you feel like it with no preventative measures and you see what happens.  One way is not more TTC then another.

And if you aren't ready for a baby NOW then you should use birth control.

banana468

@maggie0829, the difference is that with the Catholic stance you're right.   The mere act of sex can result in pregnancy so sex is supposed to be open to life.   I know that this is a secular board so I'm not trying to make this a conversion thread - just saying the stance.    Basically you shouldn't have sex if you're not ready to be a parent.    That's the Catholic stance but to a certain degree, I believe it even before I was more devout.   Because at no time was I ever going to consider ending a pregnancy and even with protection, sex can equal a baby.   

And there is a HUGE difference between TTW and TTC.   Trust me.   That's not Catholic. That's when you go from, "Oh OK, I have my period.   NBD.   I'll go to the drug store and get tampons," to "OH DEAR GOD WHY DO I HAVE MY PERIOD AGAIN!!  THIS JUST SUCKS AND I EVEN STOOD ON MY HEAD FOR 30 MINUTES AFTER SEX JUST AND I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS HORRIBLE MESS REMINDING ME THAT I'M NOT PREGNANT?!?!?!"   

Maggie0829

banana468 said:

@maggie0829, the difference is that with the Catholic stance you're right.   The mere act of sex can result in pregnancy so sex is supposed to be open to life.   I know that this is a secular board so I'm not trying to make this a conversion thread - just saying the stance.    Basically you shouldn't have sex if you're not ready to be a parent.    That's the Catholic stance but to a certain degree, I believe it even before I was more devout.   Because at no time was I ever going to consider ending a pregnancy and even with protection, sex can equal a baby.   

And there is a HUGE difference between TTW and TTC.   Trust me.   That's not Catholic. That's when you go from, "Oh OK, I have my period.   NBD.   I'll go to the drug store and get tampons," to "OH DEAR GOD WHY DO I HAVE MY PERIOD AGAIN!!  THIS JUST SUCKS AND I EVEN STOOD ON MY HEAD FOR 30 MINUTES AFTER SEX JUST AND I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS HORRIBLE MESS REMINDING ME THAT I'M NOT PREGNANT?!?!?!"   

I just don't agree with that.  There are different levels of obsession (not the best word but it is all I could come up with) when it comes to TTC but all unprotected sex is TTC.  Some people want a baby more then they want water or air, while others want a baby but aren't going to be disappointed if it doesn't happen.  That does not mean that the former person is TTC any harder the the latter. Both are TTC and both want a baby it is just their reactions on not getting pregnant that month that is different.

ETA: I would like to add that if someone said to me that because I didn't freak out because I got my period that I wasn't really TTC then I would be just a little peeved.