Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bar related question

168101112

Re: Bar related question



  • Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz.  Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement.   Then why are you posting on an internet message board?  You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others?  I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice?  If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me.  I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs.  And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong.  But you can think otherwise.


    In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
    Ok good, you admit it!

    Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground?  And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?

    What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
    This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something. 

    ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
    Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
    So do you need to invite these people at all?  Who are they in relation to you?  How many?  What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?

    As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner.  Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!

    Just think about it.  Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly?  If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.


    The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
  • @notdoingitbythebook, I think we have a little better idea of where you're at with this. But why come on the these boards with that chip on your shoulder trying to argue the etiquette of open vs. cash bar?

    Most weddings are not going to be populated with people like your FILs. And to top it off, your FI's family won't be deterred by a cash bar if doing shots and getting drunk is their goal. I feel like you're taking your frustrations with them out here by advocating for something that's just bad hosting and then taking offense with the posters here who are trying to keep brides from being assholes to their guests.
    onefootinthebayouPrettyGirlLostmrsdee15newvalley
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers



    There are more than receiving lines to personally thank people for coming. I am avoiding a potentially volatile issue by choosing a different method.

    Such as? Other than this supposed shots tradition.

    And it's only potentially volatile because you have some clear unresolved issues, and are judgy as fuck.



    This.

    Many brides, even if it wasn't their culture and wouldn't do it themselves, would not flip the fuck out over a family tradition of shots in the receiving line, mainly because it is not a thing to flip the fuck out over. You don't have to do it. You should have no problem with your FI or others doing it.

    It's fine if you want to do table visits for other reasons, but the "volatile situation" comes down to you. There is nothing inherently wrong with the tradition itself. Granted, if I were one of these family members and you said "We're not doing that," I would graciously say "Okay" but also wonder why you were concerned. Because there is no actual reason to be. You just keep extrapolating crazy scenarios about drinking in your mind that could begin with this tradition, and are trying to police everything in order to control these unlikely hypotheticals (or likely, but unconcerning to people with a healthy relationship with alcohol).

    esstee33PrettyGirlLostflbride2015
  • I'm just sad that you are planning on spending your wedding counting other people's drinks and not enjoying your wedding.


    Yeah. That's exactly what I'm going to be doing. Not. Nice try though.
  • MagicInk said:



    Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz.  Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement.   Then why are you posting on an internet message board?  You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others?  I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice?  If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me.  I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs.  And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong.  But you can think otherwise.


    In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
    Ok good, you admit it!

    Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground?  And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?

    What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
    This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something. 

    ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
    Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
    So do you need to invite these people at all?  Who are they in relation to you?  How many?  What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?

    As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner.  Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!

    Just think about it.  Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly?  If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
    The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
    These are shitty people. Shitty people should not be in your life. Regardless of genetics.


    Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.


  • There are more than receiving lines to personally thank people for coming. I am avoiding a potentially volatile issue by choosing a different method.

    Such as? Other than this supposed shots tradition.

    And it's only potentially volatile because you have some clear unresolved issues, and are judgy as fuck.



    This.

    Many brides, even if it wasn't their culture and wouldn't do it themselves, would not flip the fuck out over a family tradition of shots in the receiving line, mainly because it is not a thing to flip the fuck out over. You don't have to do it. You should have no problem with your FI or others doing it.

    It's fine if you want to do table visits for other reasons, but the "volatile situation" comes down to you. There is nothing inherently wrong with the tradition itself. Granted, if I were one of these family members and you said "We're not doing that," I would graciously say "Okay" but also wonder why you were concerned. Because there is no actual reason to be. You just keep extrapolating crazy scenarios about drinking in your mind that could begin with this tradition, and are trying to police everything in order to control these unlikely hypotheticals (or likely, but unconcerning to people with a healthy relationship with alcohol).

    Considering the stories from this family include one family member doing so many shots in teh receiving line that he got alcohol poisoning and was at the hospital for the remainder of the wedding, yeah not taking the risk. They talk about these receiving lines as if the behaviour is something to be proud of. By not doing the receiving line at all, we've completely mitigated the situation. They don't get to have their celebratory shots and we don't have to stand through a receiving line. We plan to visit with each person during dinner and whenever else we can. We feel it is more personal than the receiving line itself. So it solves two issues. There is a lot inherently wrong with the tradition. One celebratory shot? Fine. Do it. I'll just stand there but fine. One with each guest/couple? Ridiculous. Just not happening. If they want to do that at their daughters' weddings... go for it. Not happening at mine. Why does their culture trump mine?
  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz.  Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement.   Then why are you posting on an internet message board?  You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others?  I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice?  If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me.  I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs.  And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong.  But you can think otherwise.


    In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
    Ok good, you admit it!

    Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground?  And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?

    What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
    This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something. 

    ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
    Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.


    Then I think you need to focus on the IL interference, rather than the alcohol, in regards to your wedding and how it may or may not play out. If they are paying for it, they have a say. However, they do not get to run the whole entire show. 

    I stand by my thought that you seem to have a very damaged relationship with alcohol, and are perhaps not working on that relationship in the most effective way.

    FTR, doing a shot right after the ceremony sounds like a blast, and having your receiving line as you leave the church will probably prevent shots from happening as I've never been in a church that allows alcohol. Doesn't mean ALL of them don't, but I've never seen one that does.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • MagicInk said:

    MagicInk said:



    Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz.  Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement.   Then why are you posting on an internet message board?  You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others?  I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice?  If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me.  I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs.  And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong.  But you can think otherwise.


    In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
    Ok good, you admit it!

    Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground?  And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?

    What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
    This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something. 

    ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
    Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
    So do you need to invite these people at all?  Who are they in relation to you?  How many?  What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?

    As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner.  Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!

    Just think about it.  Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly?  If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
    The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
    These are shitty people. Shitty people should not be in your life. Regardless of genetics.

    Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.
    Does he know that after you officially marry him you plan on cutting off (or at least limiting) your interaction with his family?

    Cause...that's something that needs to be talked about way prior to marriage. We've cut off members of both of our families but, we talked about it before it happened.


    I don't plan to cut myself out of his family's lives...  I just plan to deal with it differently than I do now. And that doesn't mean being obnoxious. It just means being a bit more direct when it comes to their shenanigans (not necessarily alcohol related).
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2015



    There are more than receiving lines to personally thank people for coming. I am avoiding a potentially volatile issue by choosing a different method.

    Such as? Other than this supposed shots tradition.

    And it's only potentially volatile because you have some clear unresolved issues, and are judgy as fuck.



    This.

    Many brides, even if it wasn't their culture and wouldn't do it themselves, would not flip the fuck out over a family tradition of shots in the receiving line, mainly because it is not a thing to flip the fuck out over. You don't have to do it. You should have no problem with your FI or others doing it.

    It's fine if you want to do table visits for other reasons, but the "volatile situation" comes down to you. There is nothing inherently wrong with the tradition itself. Granted, if I were one of these family members and you said "We're not doing that," I would graciously say "Okay" but also wonder why you were concerned. Because there is no actual reason to be. You just keep extrapolating crazy scenarios about drinking in your mind that could begin with this tradition, and are trying to police everything in order to control these unlikely hypotheticals (or likely, but unconcerning to people with a healthy relationship with alcohol).

    Considering the stories from this family include one family member doing so many shots in teh receiving line that he got alcohol poisoning and was at the hospital for the remainder of the wedding, yeah not taking the risk. They talk about these receiving lines as if the behaviour is something to be proud of. By not doing the receiving line at all, we've completely mitigated the situation. They don't get to have their celebratory shots and we don't have to stand through a receiving line. We plan to visit with each person during dinner and whenever else we can. We feel it is more personal than the receiving line itself. So it solves two issues. There is a lot inherently wrong with the tradition. One celebratory shot? Fine. Do it. I'll just stand there but fine. One with each guest/couple? Ridiculous. Just not happening. If they want to do that at their daughters' weddings... go for it. Not happening at mine. Why does their culture trump mine?



    Like I said, you don't have to do it. If the tradition itself inherently means you're involved, and you don't want to participate, that's a legit reason to say no. But if it can happen without you, judging other people's choice to do shots is not "trumping your culture."

    ditto what MagicInk said about the "rocking the boat." You absolutely should not plan on making your relationship worse with his family without discussing it with him.

    ETA: You need to know now that your FI would support you in joint "directness." I still let him deal with his own family and I deal with mine if we're going to tell them about a decision that we jointly made. He needs to also be willing to say to his family whatever you would be "direct" about - if he thinks you're making too big a deal out of something his family does, you need to convince him first that something should be said.

    redoryxPrettyGirlLost


  • There are more than receiving lines to personally thank people for coming. I am avoiding a potentially volatile issue by choosing a different method.

    Such as? Other than this supposed shots tradition.

    And it's only potentially volatile because you have some clear unresolved issues, and are judgy as fuck.



    This.

    Many brides, even if it wasn't their culture and wouldn't do it themselves, would not flip the fuck out over a family tradition of shots in the receiving line, mainly because it is not a thing to flip the fuck out over. You don't have to do it. You should have no problem with your FI or others doing it.

    It's fine if you want to do table visits for other reasons, but the "volatile situation" comes down to you. There is nothing inherently wrong with the tradition itself. Granted, if I were one of these family members and you said "We're not doing that," I would graciously say "Okay" but also wonder why you were concerned. Because there is no actual reason to be. You just keep extrapolating crazy scenarios about drinking in your mind that could begin with this tradition, and are trying to police everything in order to control these unlikely hypotheticals (or likely, but unconcerning to people with a healthy relationship with alcohol).

    Considering the stories from this family include one family member doing so many shots in teh receiving line that he got alcohol poisoning and was at the hospital for the remainder of the wedding, yeah not taking the risk. They talk about these receiving lines as if the behaviour is something to be proud of. By not doing the receiving line at all, we've completely mitigated the situation. They don't get to have their celebratory shots and we don't have to stand through a receiving line. We plan to visit with each person during dinner and whenever else we can. We feel it is more personal than the receiving line itself. So it solves two issues. There is a lot inherently wrong with the tradition. One celebratory shot? Fine. Do it. I'll just stand there but fine. One with each guest/couple? Ridiculous. Just not happening. If they want to do that at their daughters' weddings... go for it. Not happening at mine. Why does their culture trump mine?



    Like I said, you don't have to do it. If the tradition itself inherently means you're involved, and you don't want to participate, that's a legit reason to say no. But if it can happen without you, judging other people's choice to do shots is not "trumping your culture."

    ditto what MagicInk said about the "rocking the boat." You absolutely should not plan on making your relationship worse with his family without discussing it with him.

    ETA: You need to know now that your FI would support you in joint "directness." I still let him deal with his own family and I deal with mine if we're going to tell them about a decision that we jointly made. He needs to also be willing to say to his family whatever you would be "direct" about - if he thinks you're making too big a deal out of something his family does, you need to convince him first that something should be said.

    My relationship with his family is fine, if not distant because that's how they seem to want it. We see them at family gatherings but that's about it because FH is a black sheep because he doesn't fall lock step with them. I'm a bit of a free spirit hippy to them. So it's bizarre. I've bitten my tongue about most stuff (he deals with his family, I deal with mine) but he knows that I plan to be a bit more direct when they pull the asshole card.
  • Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz.  Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement.   Then why are you posting on an internet message board?  You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others?  I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice?  If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me.  I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs.  And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong.  But you can think otherwise.


    In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
    Ok good, you admit it!

    Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground?  And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?

    What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
    This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something. 

    ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
    Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
    Then I think you need to focus on the IL interference, rather than the alcohol, in regards to your wedding and how it may or may not play out. If they are paying for it, they have a say. However, they do not get to run the whole entire show. 

    I stand by my thought that you seem to have a very damaged relationship with alcohol, and are perhaps not working on that relationship in the most effective way.

    FTR, doing a shot right after the ceremony sounds like a blast, and having your receiving line as you leave the church will probably prevent shots from happening as I've never been in a church that allows alcohol. Doesn't mean ALL of them don't, but I've never seen one that does.


    We have no church (much to the dismay of the ILs... we're doing it wrong not marrying in the church) and our ceremony and reception are in different parts of the same venue. Right after the ceremony we are gathering everyone for a group photo then it is cocktail hour while we do a quick round of photos. Then dinner. Thankfully there is no real logical place for a receiving line to fit in.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    esstee33 said:

    banana468 said:



    Where do you draw the line?   I had a few glasses of wine so I'm drunk or I'm dancing on tables?   I feel like you are purposely not clarifying what makes someone intoxicated and whtere or not someone is becomes strictly your judgement call.  You haven't proven that how you arrive at such a conclusion makes sense. 


    Your statement about not needing alcohol to have a good time is fine.   But again, it smacks of being completely defensive.   I think the average person doesn't think it's required but it makes the party a hell of a lot better.    Similarly you don't need an ass ton of food or great cake but you know what - a good cake can help.



    Why does alcohol make a party a hell of a lot better? I have never understood this sentiment.  Do you like to drink?  Honest question.  If you do not, no one will be able to explain this statement to you.  It would be akin to a person who always wanted to and chose to have children explaining to a person who has never wanted and chose to be child free why kids are the best thing ever.

    Where do I draw the line? It depends on the person and how much I trust them. My FH or my best friend can probably get away with a couple more than the average person. I just think multiple drinks at any time is just excessive... just like I think eating an entire cake is excessive. Actually, I think one person eating an entire cake in one sitting is pretty stupid too.

    I believe in this thing called moderation, which few people seem to adhere to in social settings. Not to mention a lot of people consider weddings with open bars a time to completely lose their shit because they aren't paying for it (directly quoting quite a few conversations over the years).   And those are shitty or juvenile- as in young- people who are not actually representative of the majority of social drinkers.  So you are extrapolating the behavior of a few gross people out onto the wider population of people who like to drink socially- which is called a sweeping generalization.

    Do your FILs have a drinking problem?  Are they actually alcoholics?  Or do they just drink too much in your opinion?  How about your FI?  I'm only asking because your FIL's and your FI are the ones that really wanted the open bar, right?

    image



    I drink very rarely and if I do it's one and then I'm done. I get wicked migraines from alcohol so most of the time it's just not worth the bother. I am usually the DD, which is fine because I know people get home safe but also a drag when it comes to dealing with some people.

    Are there drinking issues in my ILs families? Yes. Do I think they drink too much? Yes. It's a focus point of all celebrations. They do celebratory shots (which is why we are not doing a receiving line or having them available in the cocktail hour) at all occasions. I just think this is ridiculous to have that much alcohol be that much of a focus. My family has alcohol but it is not a focal point. I think having a normal drink and then having shots on top of that is excessive. This is a normal cultural thing for them. For me, it is an uncomfortable awkward thing to sit through. I generally "take the air" when this shit starts.


     

    What the fuck does a receiving line have to do with taking shots?



    Also, so shots are what you consider the crossover into alcoholism? Because that's ridiculous. There is generally a shot or more in every mixed drink. It's the same thing as having a rum and coke.




    I am just as shocked as you that they do celebratory shots in the receiving line. When I was told stories of other weddings (before we were engaged) I had a look of horror on my face (they laughed at it). I knew then that there was no way in hell we were doing a receiving line to encourage that. So far so good. I'm sure someone will freak out, but I don't care. No receiving line, no celebratory shots in the cocktail hour.

    I have always found shots to be stupid. I really don't see the point of them. They are just a gateway to drunkenness. Mixing makes the drink last somewhat longer and doesn't have the person ingesting it in one solitary go.

    Or you could, just, know you, have a receiving line and not have shots. 

    I mentioned that idea... so did not fly well. "That's not how it's done in our culture" was the defense so I don't trust them not to pull a fast one. Thus, just avoiding the issue all together and killing the receiving line. Which is fine, since receiving lines are boring and tedious. I'd much rather walk around and greet everyone face to face during dinner instead of greeting them in a factory line manner.
    Out of curiosity, what culture are they?
    Eastern European. I have limited experience with the culture in general, so I am not sure how much is family culture or not.
    I'd argue that's a large geographical region, not a culture.

    My mom's family is Eastern European, Croatian to be exact. Doing shots during a receiving line is NOT a cultural thing. I also know many people of Polish and German descent and doing shots during receiving lines is not a cultural thing for them either.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    ashley8918levioosaKahlyla


  • There are more than receiving lines to personally thank people for coming. I am avoiding a potentially volatile issue by choosing a different method.

    Such as? Other than this supposed shots tradition.

    And it's only potentially volatile because you have some clear unresolved issues, and are judgy as fuck.



    This.

    Many brides, even if it wasn't their culture and wouldn't do it themselves, would not flip the fuck out over a family tradition of shots in the receiving line, mainly because it is not a thing to flip the fuck out over. You don't have to do it. You should have no problem with your FI or others doing it.

    It's fine if you want to do table visits for other reasons, but the "volatile situation" comes down to you. There is nothing inherently wrong with the tradition itself. Granted, if I were one of these family members and you said "We're not doing that," I would graciously say "Okay" but also wonder why you were concerned. Because there is no actual reason to be. You just keep extrapolating crazy scenarios about drinking in your mind that could begin with this tradition, and are trying to police everything in order to control these unlikely hypotheticals (or likely, but unconcerning to people with a healthy relationship with alcohol).

    Considering the stories from this family include one family member doing so many shots in teh receiving line that he got alcohol poisoning and was at the hospital for the remainder of the wedding, yeah not taking the risk. They talk about these receiving lines as if the behaviour is something to be proud of. By not doing the receiving line at all, we've completely mitigated the situation. They don't get to have their celebratory shots and we don't have to stand through a receiving line. We plan to visit with each person during dinner and whenever else we can. We feel it is more personal than the receiving line itself. So it solves two issues. There is a lot inherently wrong with the tradition. One celebratory shot? Fine. Do it. I'll just stand there but fine. One with each guest/couple? Ridiculous. Just not happening. If they want to do that at their daughters' weddings... go for it. Not happening at mine. Why does their culture trump mine?



    Like I said, you don't have to do it. If the tradition itself inherently means you're involved, and you don't want to participate, that's a legit reason to say no. But if it can happen without you, judging other people's choice to do shots is not "trumping your culture."

    ditto what MagicInk said about the "rocking the boat." You absolutely should not plan on making your relationship worse with his family without discussing it with him.

    ETA: You need to know now that your FI would support you in joint "directness." I still let him deal with his own family and I deal with mine if we're going to tell them about a decision that we jointly made. He needs to also be willing to say to his family whatever you would be "direct" about - if he thinks you're making too big a deal out of something his family does, you need to convince him first that something should be said.

    No I don't have to do it, but nor do I have to be complicit in others doing it. We're not doing it and that's final. I don't really care if it's important to them. There is no reason to have a receiving line so we mitigate both the loathing of the receiving line and the fact that they'd do shots during it.
  • esstee33 said:

    banana468 said:



    Where do you draw the line?   I had a few glasses of wine so I'm drunk or I'm dancing on tables?   I feel like you are purposely not clarifying what makes someone intoxicated and whtere or not someone is becomes strictly your judgement call.  You haven't proven that how you arrive at such a conclusion makes sense. 


    Your statement about not needing alcohol to have a good time is fine.   But again, it smacks of being completely defensive.   I think the average person doesn't think it's required but it makes the party a hell of a lot better.    Similarly you don't need an ass ton of food or great cake but you know what - a good cake can help.



    Why does alcohol make a party a hell of a lot better? I have never understood this sentiment.  Do you like to drink?  Honest question.  If you do not, no one will be able to explain this statement to you.  It would be akin to a person who always wanted to and chose to have children explaining to a person who has never wanted and chose to be child free why kids are the best thing ever.

    Where do I draw the line? It depends on the person and how much I trust them. My FH or my best friend can probably get away with a couple more than the average person. I just think multiple drinks at any time is just excessive... just like I think eating an entire cake is excessive. Actually, I think one person eating an entire cake in one sitting is pretty stupid too.

    I believe in this thing called moderation, which few people seem to adhere to in social settings. Not to mention a lot of people consider weddings with open bars a time to completely lose their shit because they aren't paying for it (directly quoting quite a few conversations over the years).   And those are shitty or juvenile- as in young- people who are not actually representative of the majority of social drinkers.  So you are extrapolating the behavior of a few gross people out onto the wider population of people who like to drink socially- which is called a sweeping generalization.

    Do your FILs have a drinking problem?  Are they actually alcoholics?  Or do they just drink too much in your opinion?  How about your FI?  I'm only asking because your FIL's and your FI are the ones that really wanted the open bar, right?

    image



    I drink very rarely and if I do it's one and then I'm done. I get wicked migraines from alcohol so most of the time it's just not worth the bother. I am usually the DD, which is fine because I know people get home safe but also a drag when it comes to dealing with some people.

    Are there drinking issues in my ILs families? Yes. Do I think they drink too much? Yes. It's a focus point of all celebrations. They do celebratory shots (which is why we are not doing a receiving line or having them available in the cocktail hour) at all occasions. I just think this is ridiculous to have that much alcohol be that much of a focus. My family has alcohol but it is not a focal point. I think having a normal drink and then having shots on top of that is excessive. This is a normal cultural thing for them. For me, it is an uncomfortable awkward thing to sit through. I generally "take the air" when this shit starts.


     

    What the fuck does a receiving line have to do with taking shots?



    Also, so shots are what you consider the crossover into alcoholism? Because that's ridiculous. There is generally a shot or more in every mixed drink. It's the same thing as having a rum and coke.




    I am just as shocked as you that they do celebratory shots in the receiving line. When I was told stories of other weddings (before we were engaged) I had a look of horror on my face (they laughed at it). I knew then that there was no way in hell we were doing a receiving line to encourage that. So far so good. I'm sure someone will freak out, but I don't care. No receiving line, no celebratory shots in the cocktail hour.

    I have always found shots to be stupid. I really don't see the point of them. They are just a gateway to drunkenness. Mixing makes the drink last somewhat longer and doesn't have the person ingesting it in one solitary go.

    Or you could, just, know you, have a receiving line and not have shots. 

    I mentioned that idea... so did not fly well. "That's not how it's done in our culture" was the defense so I don't trust them not to pull a fast one. Thus, just avoiding the issue all together and killing the receiving line. Which is fine, since receiving lines are boring and tedious. I'd much rather walk around and greet everyone face to face during dinner instead of greeting them in a factory line manner.
    Out of curiosity, what culture are they?
    Eastern European. I have limited experience with the culture in general, so I am not sure how much is family culture or not.
    I'd argue that's a large geographical region, not a culture.

    My mom's family is Eastern European, Croatian to be exact. Doing shots during a receiving line is NOT a cultural thing. I also know many people of Polish and German descent and doing shots during receiving lines is not a cultural thing for them either.


    I know Eastern European is a large geographical region. I am not comfortable getting more specific than that. I figure it is more of a family thing since I do know some others from that region and it's never happened but I don't know for sure. It's just... bizarre.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer



    Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz.  Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement.   Then why are you posting on an internet message board?  You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others?  I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice?  If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me.  I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs.  And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong.  But you can think otherwise.


    In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
    Ok good, you admit it!

    Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground?  And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?

    What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
    This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something. 

    ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
    Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
    So do you need to invite these people at all?  Who are they in relation to you?  How many?  What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?

    As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner.  Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!

    Just think about it.  Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly?  If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
    The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.


    Look, you cannot control the actions of adults.

    All you can do is control your OWN actions and reactions.

    So you can choose not to respond to shitty, drunk comments. You can choose to avoid these ppl when they are drunk. . . You're an adult, you don't need anyone else to run interference for you. Just avoid these ppl and walk away from them if they engage you.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • esstee33 said:

    banana468 said:



    Where do you draw the line?   I had a few glasses of wine so I'm drunk or I'm dancing on tables?   I feel like you are purposely not clarifying what makes someone intoxicated and whtere or not someone is becomes strictly your judgement call.  You haven't proven that how you arrive at such a conclusion makes sense. 


    Your statement about not needing alcohol to have a good time is fine.   But again, it smacks of being completely defensive.   I think the average person doesn't think it's required but it makes the party a hell of a lot better.    Similarly you don't need an ass ton of food or great cake but you know what - a good cake can help.



    Why does alcohol make a party a hell of a lot better? I have never understood this sentiment.  Do you like to drink?  Honest question.  If you do not, no one will be able to explain this statement to you.  It would be akin to a person who always wanted to and chose to have children explaining to a person who has never wanted and chose to be child free why kids are the best thing ever.

    Where do I draw the line? It depends on the person and how much I trust them. My FH or my best friend can probably get away with a couple more than the average person. I just think multiple drinks at any time is just excessive... just like I think eating an entire cake is excessive. Actually, I think one person eating an entire cake in one sitting is pretty stupid too.

    I believe in this thing called moderation, which few people seem to adhere to in social settings. Not to mention a lot of people consider weddings with open bars a time to completely lose their shit because they aren't paying for it (directly quoting quite a few conversations over the years).   And those are shitty or juvenile- as in young- people who are not actually representative of the majority of social drinkers.  So you are extrapolating the behavior of a few gross people out onto the wider population of people who like to drink socially- which is called a sweeping generalization.

    Do your FILs have a drinking problem?  Are they actually alcoholics?  Or do they just drink too much in your opinion?  How about your FI?  I'm only asking because your FIL's and your FI are the ones that really wanted the open bar, right?

    image



    I drink very rarely and if I do it's one and then I'm done. I get wicked migraines from alcohol so most of the time it's just not worth the bother. I am usually the DD, which is fine because I know people get home safe but also a drag when it comes to dealing with some people.

    Are there drinking issues in my ILs families? Yes. Do I think they drink too much? Yes. It's a focus point of all celebrations. They do celebratory shots (which is why we are not doing a receiving line or having them available in the cocktail hour) at all occasions. I just think this is ridiculous to have that much alcohol be that much of a focus. My family has alcohol but it is not a focal point. I think having a normal drink and then having shots on top of that is excessive. This is a normal cultural thing for them. For me, it is an uncomfortable awkward thing to sit through. I generally "take the air" when this shit starts.


     

    What the fuck does a receiving line have to do with taking shots?



    Also, so shots are what you consider the crossover into alcoholism? Because that's ridiculous. There is generally a shot or more in every mixed drink. It's the same thing as having a rum and coke.




    I am just as shocked as you that they do celebratory shots in the receiving line. When I was told stories of other weddings (before we were engaged) I had a look of horror on my face (they laughed at it). I knew then that there was no way in hell we were doing a receiving line to encourage that. So far so good. I'm sure someone will freak out, but I don't care. No receiving line, no celebratory shots in the cocktail hour.

    I have always found shots to be stupid. I really don't see the point of them. They are just a gateway to drunkenness. Mixing makes the drink last somewhat longer and doesn't have the person ingesting it in one solitary go.

    Or you could, just, know you, have a receiving line and not have shots. 

    I mentioned that idea... so did not fly well. "That's not how it's done in our culture" was the defense so I don't trust them not to pull a fast one. Thus, just avoiding the issue all together and killing the receiving line. Which is fine, since receiving lines are boring and tedious. I'd much rather walk around and greet everyone face to face during dinner instead of greeting them in a factory line manner.
    Out of curiosity, what culture are they?
    Eastern European. I have limited experience with the culture in general, so I am not sure how much is family culture or not.
    I'd argue that's a large geographical region, not a culture.

    My mom's family is Eastern European, Croatian to be exact. Doing shots during a receiving line is NOT a cultural thing. I also know many people of Polish and German descent and doing shots during receiving lines is not a cultural thing for them either.


    I know Eastern European is a large geographical region. I am not comfortable getting more specific than that. I figure it is more of a family thing since I do know some others from that region and it's never happened but I don't know for sure. It's just... bizarre.
    I don't get what is bizarre. I've heard of plenty of families that like to do family shots at family events. Just because your family does not do it does not make it bizarre.
    ashley8918
  • MagicInk said:



    Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz.  Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement.   Then why are you posting on an internet message board?  You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others?  I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice?  If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me.  I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs.  And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong.  But you can think otherwise.


    In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
    Ok good, you admit it!

    Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground?  And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?

    What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
    This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something. 

    ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
    Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
    So do you need to invite these people at all?  Who are they in relation to you?  How many?  What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?

    As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner.  Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!

    Just think about it.  Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly?  If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
    The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
    These are shitty people. Shitty people should not be in your life. Regardless of genetics.

    Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.
    WHAT. 

    No. This is not okay. If FI married me, never indicating that he wasn't okay with my (rather crazy, definitely dysfunctional, twice-the-size-of-his) family, and then started cutting back contact after the wedding, that would be a HUGE dealbreaker. Like, grounds for divorce dealbreaker.

    This may be one of the very worst things I have ever read on these boards ever in my whole Knottie life.



    Oh for FFS cut the dramatics. I'm not cutting him off. I'm not even going to cut myself off. But after the wedding I will feel more comfortable being more direct when they start with their assholian behaviour. That's all. Unclench the pearls. FH knows the behaviour I don't like and he agrees with me. Again, unclench.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2015
    image


    Our impromptu receiving doubled as the bar line.  




    My SIL's family is from Croatia also.    As in her father had to defect during the Cold War or be murdered.     They didn't do shots during the receiving line either.   Although there was a shot toast that MY Irish family does and her Croatian family joined in. 

    - ETA - I'm saying MY does the shot, not every Irish family.

    Eastern European. I have limited experience with the culture in general, so I am not sure how much is family culture or not.
    I'd argue that's a large geographical region, not a culture.

    My mom's family is Eastern European, Croatian to be exact. Doing shots during a receiving line is NOT a cultural thing. I also know many people of Polish and German descent and doing shots during receiving lines is not a cultural thing for them either.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    PrettyGirlLost

  • Eastern European. I have limited experience with the culture in general, so I am not sure how much is family culture or not.

    Eastern European bride here. Shot glasses and a handle of vodka go on all of the tables in addition to the open bar. FWIW the only people I've seen get out of hand are the rogue American dates who (I assume) have never been to a wedding like this before.
    flbride2015lightningsnow
  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl Desert Oasis member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper

    MagicInk said:



    Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz.  Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement.   Then why are you posting on an internet message board?  You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others?  I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice?  If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me.  I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs.  And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong.  But you can think otherwise.


    In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
    Ok good, you admit it!

    Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground?  And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?

    What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
    This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something. 

    ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
    Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
    So do you need to invite these people at all?  Who are they in relation to you?  How many?  What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?

    As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner.  Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!

    Just think about it.  Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly?  If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
    The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
    These are shitty people. Shitty people should not be in your life. Regardless of genetics.

    Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.
    WHAT. 

    No. This is not okay. If FI married me, never indicating that he wasn't okay with my (rather crazy, definitely dysfunctional, twice-the-size-of-his) family, and then started cutting back contact after the wedding, that would be a HUGE dealbreaker. Like, grounds for divorce dealbreaker.

    This may be one of the very worst things I have ever read on these boards ever in my whole Knottie life.

    Oh for FFS cut the dramatics. I'm not cutting him off. I'm not even going to cut myself off. But after the wedding I will feel more comfortable being more direct when they start with their assholian behaviour. That's all. Unclench the pearls. FH knows the behaviour I don't like and he agrees with me. Again, unclench.

    Yeah...he might know their behavior, and what you don't like...but he's not going to know your shiny new reactions is he? That's what you're keeping from him now. So you're going to show your true colors post wedding? Yeah...that'll make for a happy marriage.

    Good luck and god speed.
    ashley8918PrettyGirlLostflbride2015bride2b71614
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards