Not trying, but not being as careful...

elleC14 · January 2015

Have any of you marrieds relaxed a bit on your birth control situation? I stopped taking the pill about a month before the wedding due to some very unpleasant side effects and we decided together that I'm not going to seek out another method. We're just using the Family Planning Method and pulling out, which we know is not the most effective combination. If we got pregnant we would be happy and we are ready financially, it's just not something we're ready to actively pursue yet since we haven't been married very long.

Only problem is now I freak out every single month before my period. It's not really fear, it's just the anxiety of not being as sure anymore what's going to happen. Anyone else dealing with this? I cannot find a good forum ANYWHERE for women in this position - everyone is either trying or preventing.

amelisha · January 2015

If you're not preventing (reliably), then you're trying, in my opinion, no matter what you're calling it.

STARMOON44 · January 2015

Genuinely baffled by this. No. There should be no forum when women chat about deliberately being sloppy with birth control but being really anxious every month about whether or not they're pregnant.
That's dumb.

If you're having unprotected heterosexual penis in vagina sexy, you're trying to get pregnant. That's how it works.

(Natural family planning is def a real way of avoiding pregnancy but nothing about your post suggests you're actually doing it properly).

Be a grown up and make a decision, or your uterus will do that for you.

teddygirl9 · January 2015

Um nope. 2 girls at work got pregnant, I got an IUD the week after.

Gustafson28 · January 2015

I get what you're trying to say, I think. H and I are not trying in ways of temping, other tracking, pre seed, any of that stuff. But we are still protecting ourselves until I get my practice strongly set up. After that we would be "trying" but not doing anything other than sex to get pregnant.

Is that what you guys are up to? I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt here

KatieinBkln · January 2015

I've definitely heard this philosophy before, the "well we're not NOT trying." I don't personally get it. Especially after this many years actively trying to avoid pregnancy, I'm pretty sure the "unprotected sex will give you a baby faster than you can say 'dirty diapers'" mentality is stuck in me.

I will say that if it's making you anxious, you should change something about your approach. If certainty is something you crave, then you might be happier doing some kind of birth control or wholeheartedly embracing the "we're trying" status.

hellosweetie1015 · January 2015

I mean, I understand the "limbo" position in a way. FI has been there (with his ex-FI, not with me). I dunno that there's enough people really in that position to justify it having its own little forum though.

I'd say that anyone who isn't preventing is, in a way, trying - even if it's not actually a conscious decision to try GETTING pregnant, it's a conscious decision to stop whatever avoidance strategy you have and let what happen, happen.

Shit, just thinking about being in that situation gives me heart palpitations. I am not ready for Mini-Me cooking.

elleC14 · January 2015

Some people call it "not trying but not preventing."

I think it's similar to what you're doing Gustafson. We are using protection or not having sex on high fertility days but other days we are pretty relaxed about it. It's a step in between trying and not trying. It's a weird place to be in and I get that. I think the reason I was looking for a place to vent or talk about it is because so many people have negative opinions about it because they think we should just "make a decision." I see it as easing into the process of actually trying (which we will probably do in another year or two), because we are practicing being more aware of my cycle, etc. And if a surprise comes up as a result, we'll be ready and happy.

ashley8918 · January 2015

amelisha said:
If you're not preventing (reliably), then you're trying, in my opinion, no matter what you're calling it.

Ditto.

theartistformerlyknownas · January 2015

elleC14 said:
Some people call it "not trying but not preventing."

I think it's similar to what you're doing Gustafson. We are using protection or not having sex on high fertility days but other days we are pretty relaxed about it. It's a step in between trying and not trying. It's a weird place to be in and I get that. I think the reason I was looking for a place to vent or talk about it is because so many people have negative opinions about it because they think we should just "make a decision." I see it as easing into the process of actually trying (which we will probably do in another year or two), because we are practicing being more aware of my cycle, etc. And if a surprise comes up as a result, we'll be ready and happy.

If you're not tracking, you can't know for sure when you're fertile days are though. "Trying to whatever" is just another word for irresponsible. Just do NFP the right way.

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

I know what you are trying to say. I think some woman do it after getting of BC, but want to have a baby soon. @lolo883 was in a similar position a couple months ago I think, but it's usually for people who are planning to conceive soon. It's neither TTC or TTA.

I think lolo and @holyguacamole79 understand the terminology better than I do.

However, if you are not comfortable getting pregnant right away, than you should use birth control.

ohannabelle · January 2015

If you don't want to get pregnant, you use a reliable birth control method. Crossing your fingers doesn't count.

Stopping a reliable birth control method and continuing to have sex = actively pursuing pregnancy.

That's how it works.

hellosweetie1015 · January 2015

See, I don't have any negative or positive opinions about it. I think this falls pretty firmly into the "not my business" category. I mean, I dunno that it would work with me because I know I'd react the same way to it as you seem to be - oh, shit, am I or am I not? - and it would stress me out. But if it works for someone else, what does my opinion matter?

STARMOON44 · January 2015

elleC14 said:
Some people call it "not trying but not preventing."

I think it's similar to what you're doing Gustafson. We are using protection or not having sex on high fertility days but other days we are pretty relaxed about it. It's a step in between trying and not trying. It's a weird place to be in and I get that. I think the reason I was looking for a place to vent or talk about it is because so many people have negative opinions about it because they think we should just "make a decision." I see it as easing into the process of actually trying (which we will probably do in another year or two), because we are practicing being more aware of my cycle, etc. And if a surprise comes up as a result, we'll be ready and happy.

Except if you're really anxious every month, obviously you're not pretty relaxed about it. That's why people have negative opinions about it. Because having a baby is a serious decision and messing around with birth control while pretending like you're not really trying trying isn't a serious way of making if.

ashley8918 · January 2015

If you don't want to have a baby RIGHT NOW, then you use birth control. That's how it works. Super aimple stuff. NFP (if done properly) is a perfectly fine method of birth control. "Pulling out" is not.

"Trying to whatever", is really not a thing. You're either trying (by having unprotected sex), or you're not trying (by using some method of birth control). There really isn't an in-between.

larrygaga · January 2015

elleC14 said:

Some people call it "not trying but not preventing."

I think it's similar to what you're doing Gustafson. We are using protection or not having sex on high fertility days but other days we are pretty relaxed about it. It's a step in between trying and not trying. It's a weird place to be in and I get that. I think the reason I was looking for a place to vent or talk about it is because so many people have negative opinions about it because they think we should just "make a decision." I see it as easing into the process of actually trying (which we will probably do in another year or two), because we are practicing being more aware of my cycle, etc. And if a surprise comes up as a result, we'll be ready and happy.

People probably think you should make a decision because you aren't sure. Why would you purposely have a kid if you weren't sure? They are most likely concerned and I agree with them. It's okay to be one the fence but use protection until you are fully on the baby side of the fence.

At least that's how I think other people think about you. But your post is pretty confusing.

emmaaa · January 2015

Not really. H and I use condoms and always have. We don't want to try to get pregnant for about a year but we also know that no form of birth control (other than abstinence) is 100% effective. If we were to get pregnant right now, we would still be surprised but more ready than we would've been before we got married.

KatieinBkln · January 2015

STARMOON44 said:

Some people call it "not trying but not preventing."

I think it's similar to what you're doing Gustafson. We are using protection or not having sex on high fertility days but other days we are pretty relaxed about it. It's a step in between trying and not trying. It's a weird place to be in and I get that. I think the reason I was looking for a place to vent or talk about it is because so many people have negative opinions about it because they think we should just "make a decision." I see it as easing into the process of actually trying (which we will probably do in another year or two), because we are practicing being more aware of my cycle, etc. And if a surprise comes up as a result, we'll be ready and happy.
Except if you're really anxious every month, obviously you're not pretty relaxed about it. That's why people have negative opinions about it. Because having a baby is a serious decision and messing around with birth control while pretending like you're not really trying trying isn't a serious way of making if.

This right here is The Thing. In general, I'm with @hellosweetie1015--I give zero fucks what anyone wants to do in their bedroom and how they want to see themselves in terms of trying/not trying/etc. I simply could not give any fewer shits. (I have some opinions on the whole notion of TTC and the ways in which a totally normal, natural thing has been co-opted by people who stand to make money from it, but that is a story for another day, or never).

But if you're worried, it's not because you need a forum that doesn't exist yet. It's because you're not okay with the way you're doing things now. Happily, you have completely accidentally landed on the Real Talk (TM) Figure Out Yer Feelings board. Welcome. Don't be scurred.

hellosweetie1015 · January 2015

larrygaga said:

elleC14 said:

Some people call it "not trying but not preventing."

I think it's similar to what you're doing Gustafson. We are using protection or not having sex on high fertility days but other days we are pretty relaxed about it. It's a step in between trying and not trying. It's a weird place to be in and I get that. I think the reason I was looking for a place to vent or talk about it is because so many people have negative opinions about it because they think we should just "make a decision." I see it as easing into the process of actually trying (which we will probably do in another year or two), because we are practicing being more aware of my cycle, etc. And if a surprise comes up as a result, we'll be ready and happy.

People probably think you should make a decision because you aren't sure. Why would you purposely have a kid if you weren't sure? They are most likely concerned and I agree with them. It's okay to be one the fence but use protection until you are fully on the baby side of the fence.

At least that's how I think other people think about you. But your post is pretty confusing.

I don't get the vibe that they're on the fence about the babies though. They're on the fence about the baby RIGHT THIS SECOND. And honestly I don't see why that's not a viable choice to make, really...? It's totally, 100% viable to choose to have kids and be actively trying to conceive, it's totally, 100% viable to choose not to have kids and be actively preventing. Why is it an issue for them to know they want kids, and feel prepared for kids, but not really ready to be trying actively? If they get pregnant, they'll be thrilled. If they don't, then there's no pressure.

That's just my two cents. Someone else's reproductive decisions aren't my business, and this falls into that.

hellosweetie1015 · January 2015

KatieinBkln said:

STARMOON44 said:

Some people call it "not trying but not preventing."

I think it's similar to what you're doing Gustafson. We are using protection or not having sex on high fertility days but other days we are pretty relaxed about it. It's a step in between trying and not trying. It's a weird place to be in and I get that. I think the reason I was looking for a place to vent or talk about it is because so many people have negative opinions about it because they think we should just "make a decision." I see it as easing into the process of actually trying (which we will probably do in another year or two), because we are practicing being more aware of my cycle, etc. And if a surprise comes up as a result, we'll be ready and happy.
Except if you're really anxious every month, obviously you're not pretty relaxed about it. That's why people have negative opinions about it. Because having a baby is a serious decision and messing around with birth control while pretending like you're not really trying trying isn't a serious way of making if.

This right here is The Thing. In general, I'm with @hellosweetie1015--I give zero fucks what anyone wants to do in their bedroom and how they want to see themselves in terms of trying/not trying/etc. I simply could not give any fewer shits. (I have some opinions on the whole notion of TTC and the ways in which a totally normal, natural thing has been co-opted by people who stand to make money from it, but that is a story for another day, or never).

But if you're worried, it's not because you need a forum that doesn't exist yet. It's because you're not okay with the way you're doing things now. Happily, you have completely accidentally landed on the Real Talk (TM) Figure Out Yer Feelings board. Welcome. Don't be scurred.

I love 97%~ of your post, but I don't know that I agree with the bolded. I imagine that even if FI and I were ACTIVELY TRYING, there would still be that moment of "Oh, shit, I'm fucking pregnant, what the fuck am I going to do?", at least for a second or two. I've spent 26 (well... 16) years being told that pregnancy is a negative consequence of unprotected sex. I expect that it's going to take a hella long time to break this thought process, even when I'm wanting this 100% right that second.

fwtx5815 · January 2015

My fi and I have used the withdrawal method for the majority of the time that we've been together. I was on the pill for about the first year we were together and the last 4 and a half-ish years he's been pulling out. I didn't even start getting into temping and charting until September of 2014.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here other than I can sort of relate to OP- except he is ALWAYS careful to pull out in time and doesn't ever ejaculate inside me. Ever. I would say that we are solidly TTA.

However, my cousin got pregnant 2 or so years ago while she was living in her parents' home, trying to get through cosmetology school and her boyfriend was living with his parents as well. I went to visit her and see how she was doing after getting her first salon job. She was about 4 months along and while we were chatting she said that they weren't actively trying to make a baby but they weren't avoiding it either. It was SO hard not to roll my eyes. 5 seconds later she was talking about how she was excited to move in with her bf even though she didn't know how they'd pay for their own place and how her mom suggested government housing. Like, what!? THAT is sloppy IMO. I don't fault any couple for wanting a family and not having a lot of money, but they knew that they'd be kinda fucked if she became pregnant and they didn't make the effort to avoid pregnancy.

So yeah, if you're not in a position to be caring for a newborn in 9 months, please do something to remove doubt from the situation.

mrscaty · January 2015

IMO, like others have said, you can do whatever you want in your relationship if that's what you want. I've heard of people not trying but not preventing but PLEASE, if there is a chance you could get pregnant, take some prenatal vitamins and don't drink (excessively). Sure, there's a good chance you'd be fine without, but if you're kinda going for it, why have something to worry about if you do end up pregnant.

JennyColada · January 2015

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.

fwtx5815 · January 2015

JennyColada said:
I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.

LOLing at 'vaginal temperature.' I used to think that's what temping was, too. You just take your temperature however you normally would if you were sick.

JennyColada · January 2015

dallasbetch said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.
LOLing at 'vaginal temperature.' I used to think that's what temping was, too. You just take your temperature however you normally would if you were sick.

Oh really?

Oh, well...I clearly have NO interest in charting of any sort. Haha.

jenna8984 · January 2015

JennyColada said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.

I would still call that trying. You don't have to be charting and temping to be trying. I honestly don't know anyone in real life who did those things, they just had sex willy nilly and it happened.

And it's your normal mouth/ forehead temp- no thermometer in vag necessary hahah

ashley8918 · January 2015

dallasbetch said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.
LOLing at 'vaginal temperature.' I used to think that's what temping was, too. You just take your temperature however you normally would if you were sick.

Wait... for real? Y'all arent sticking thermometers in your lady gardens? I have never had a baby on purpose, so I have no clue about this. I totally thought that you were supposed to temp your vag, hahahaha

emmaaa · January 2015

ashley8918 said:

dallasbetch said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.
LOLing at 'vaginal temperature.' I used to think that's what temping was, too. You just take your temperature however you normally would if you were sick.

Wait... for real? Y'all arent sticking thermometers in your lady gardens? I have never had a baby on purpose, so I have no clue about this. I totally thought that you were supposed to temp your vag, hahahaha

I did too! Now I feel dumb.

VulgarGirl · January 2015

I have one friend who is basically in this realm...but not really.

She and her husband tried actively for 5 years. Temping, charting, eventually medication and IVF. No babies. So now she doesn't bother with temping or charting. Of course they'd be thrilled to "accidentally" get pregnant and usually it's a let down when ms. Period shows up a little later then usual. Currently they're pursuing adoption.

Wifey and I have never used birth control to prevent pregnancy. And now we're trying to make it happen on purpose.

hellosweetie1015 · January 2015

I am so glad I am not the only one who was ... incorrect about temping.

huskypuppy14 · January 2015

JennyColada said:

I imagine that when DH and I are ready to TTC that I will stop my BC (take out my IUD) and then just continue life on as normal. I'm not really into taking a vaginal temperature or anything like that. So I guess our version of actively TTC is to make the conscious choice to not take BC and call it a day. I guess in a few years if we still don't get pregnant that then I'd make more of an effort, but we'll figure that out if it gets to it.

So I guess that would be "not trying and not preventing", but somehow it just feels...different.

I agree with this. I think I'm going to go off BC in June, and then we may start actively trying at the end of August. If I get pregnant between June and August, that will be fine, though my sister is getting married in July, so I'd prefer not to be pregnant then, but whatever.

I think there is different views on what is considered "TTC". I read a thread on the bump and a bunch of posters on there were saying if you aren't charting and temping and you're just having unprotected sex you're not TTC. Which I disagree with.

I don't think what the OP is doing is wrong. She said her and her husband are financially able to support a child, so whatever happens happens. To each their own.

Not trying, but not being as careful...

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